DDay was 3 weeks ago.
I would like to take share what happened but first preface this with how incredible my fiance has been to me since the day I met him. A year after we met, he moved across the country with me to support me through my studies. He gave me a generous amount of money and paid for rent as it was my first time living away from home and starting a new program, he wanted me to have zero stress and to just focus on my studies. He supported me, loved on me, laughed with me, held me while I cried. He has been my very best friend. Throughout being together for 6 years, he has never failed to compromise where necessary for our relationship. I told him I was sad I didn't receive flowers on valentines day and he has since bought me flowers once a month for over a year, never missing a month. He works from home and I would study at home so we are always together, open phone policy and all. I never worried about him, he treats his family and my family with so much love. He has ALWAYS put me first. I made a shirt for him with my name and face on it and he wears it in public for my birthday and valentines day. He is genuinely proud to be my partner. I could go on and on... to paint the picture of the loving man I have been with for 6 years.
We got engaged this year and I would share how he planned it but I worry someone would be able to figure out who I am. In short, he took me on a dream trip and made my wishes come true and proposed to me at the end. I am so grateful..
Fast forward to this summer and we go on a trip and I invite my friend to stay with us for a week because I haven't seen her in a year. She is flirty with everyone, I once even told my fiance I felt she was blurrying the line with him and he said to not worry. I was so insecure but she charmed me and I stayed friends with her. I knew she has a habit of inserting herself in peoples relationships and finds enjoyment out of it. I feel so naive for what happens next..
I have insomnia so in the apartment I decided to have them sleep separately in the living room while I slept in the bedroom because it is darker in there. I instantly regretted this because I started to hear them giggle and laugh to themselves before bed. I assured myself that my fiance would never cross a line. However, over the course of the week they would flirt in front of me but I still reassured myself that my partner, who loves me so much, would never actually cross a line. However, over time I noticed he really started to gravitate towards her and ignore me.
This is when I tried to separate them without stating my true feelings. I asked him to sleep with me in the single bed and he said no, that we'd both be uncomfortable. I asked him if i should switch with her and he said he didn't think that would be a good idea because it's too bright in the living room and i would sleep poorly. I asked him to put the air mattress in my bedroom so he could sleep next to me and he was about to move it but he seemed annoyed and said he doubt it'd fit - so i said nevermind.
She finally leaves and flies back home and I find the texts on his phone. He replied to a photo of hers saying she was the most beautiful girl in the room and sent a second flirty text after that. My suspicions were right. Something was going on each night I went to sleep.
He told me everything. He said the second last night he initiated the conversation before bed that there was clearly a connection between them and they discussed what they had been noticing between each other. Then the next night, the last night, he initiated it again but this time held her hand and caressed her leg. He proceeded to tell her everything about our relationship because he was confused why he was doing this and was trying to "sort through his feelings" by confessing them to her. Awful.
He knew that she destroys relationships, flirts with taken men, has zero boundaries and is a selfish person. She gave him attention and he completely went for it. Despite how much he loves me.
There are so many things to reflect on. The night he crossed into emotional and physical territory, I told him i was proud to have chosen him as my life partner. I said that because I noticed he was distant and I had a feeling it was because of her. I was desperately trying to get him back down to reality. To shake him. And then hours later he does that.
He deeply regrets it, he hate himself, he admitted everything, his story aligned with hers. He's given me a second phone that's synced with his, he's set up cameras in the living room, he's given me all his passwords. He's filled with regret, shame, he's cried and said he's ruined his life over nothing. He sent her a no contact text. He is going to tell his parents what he did. He reads any links I send him and bought a book I asked him to read. He apologizes and listens. He says she didn't mean anything, he liked her attention and he felt insecure from the issues of our relationship and he felt relief. He has been so remorseful, he knows what a horrible person she is and he didn't stop himself. He hates how much pain he's caused me. Every day we talk for hours and hours in depth about everything and he doesn't shy away. We have had the deepest conversations we've ever had in the last 3 weeks than we have in 6 years.
I'm disgusted and horrified that they spent a whole day in front of me pretending. I feel horrified that this person whos loved me so much did that behind my back. Knowing how insecure she made me. I am SO mad at myself for being SO trusting and allowing them to sleep in the same room (wtf was i thinking?!?!?!!?). I am so angry that the same day she left and messaged her that she's beautiful, he also had sex with me. He really compartmentalized everything so well. He was so confident in lying to me. He really, really did all of that to me...
He is paying for my therapy and I have my second session today. He is starting therapy this week himself. He can't understand how he could have allowed himself to destroy a beautiful partnership for a vile person out of his own selfish needs. I am so heartbroken.
I don't know what I am looking for right now, I just want my safety back with him. I miss him so much and he hasn't gone anywhere. He's by my side but my person wouldn't have done this, yet he did.
Clearly the opportunity to cheat presented it itself and he took it. He failed the test and it broke us both. While his actions for 6 years have shown how deeply he loves me, I have a really hard time looking at him with the same love and warmth anymore. I feel ice cold and numb and while I want to believe we have a brighter future, I am afraid that the love and adoration I once felt is gone for good. The contrast between the loving person who was fiercely loyal and proud to be with me then betraying me with the one and only woman i was ever jealous of is brutal. It's clear he didn't care for her and was just high off the adrenaline of secrecy and attention. He has high standards and she's bottom of the barrel... that's what makes this so disappointing. While she is a fun person, she has horrible morals and he stooped to her level. I wish I cut her off years ago.. what does that say about me?
Lastly: This is incredibly difficult for me to write about because I feel a lot of shame, embarrassment and guilt. I put them next to each other, I always knew that she had bad intentions but I chose to ignore them. I fell for her charm thinking she really cared for me as a close friend and that she wouldn't be gross. I ignored my intuition and didn't fully speak up for myself. I feel deep, deep embarrassment for putting too much trust in a woman who showed me who she is and for not speaking my feelings to my fiance. I could have said ANYTHING in those 5 days and it's hard not feeling responsible. I just watched it happen and I should have just said something. I am so angry with myself. A brutal life lesson to learn to speak up and trust your gut.
[This message edited by funnything at 7:55 PM, Monday, September 21st]
