SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there, I'm brand new here.

I'm about a month out from finding out about my husbands lengthy physical affair with a coworker. We've been married 10 years and have 2 very young children together, which I am a stay at home parent to. To prevent this post from being lengthy, I'm having a really hard time mentally trying to cope with the fact that my H still works in close proximity with his AP.

When I first found out they were having sex while at work and when he had to go on work trips. He displayed general remorse and was profoundly sorry at first. But as the weeks have gone on, I'm still struggling and he is acting like my feelings are a burden. I have been full of ups and downs since D-Day and I honestly feel insane and like I'm bipolar. My emotions are all over the place and I've said some really mean things out of anger, frustration, and heartbreak. One minute I tell him I want to seperate and the next minute I want to try to work it out. He said the back and forth is too much for him to handle and I keep threatening him with divorce.

Anyways, I absolutely cannot handle him working with his AP every single day and me not knowing what he's doing. I have laid out very firm boundaries, like having access to his phone and all bank accounts/credit cards, absolutely no one on one texting conversations between the two of them, no hanging out in each other's offices or one on one meetings, couples therapy, individual therapy, etc. He has been on board with the therapy, but has displayed interesting reactions when I ask him to check his phone (gets defensive or looks over my shoulder the whole time, says I'm pilfering), won't discontinue texting conversations with her, and still hasn't given me access to accounts. Idk what else I need to ask for in order to feel secure but I've mentioned these things to him multiple times and he's just kind of not listening? I don't know. He says he wants to repair the marriage and is all in but I require full transparency from him and he seems like he doesn't want to give it.

We have out forst counseling appointment this week.

He cannot quit his job because we rely on his income and the company is growing-at the end of the year he will be getting a promotion where he will be leaving the building that he and AP works at. We've had the conversation about leaving the job and he absolutely 100% will not and will jeopardize me leaving over quitting.

I guess this post is stupid because deep down I know what I should probably do but I really do want this to work out, if not for the kids but because I still do love him. I've been working on myself in therapy for a while because I clearly do have codependency issues. But I feel like I'm going insane every day.

From experience (and I have a lot of it…) it’s extremely rare that couples can reconcile if the affair partner remains in close proximity.
Is she married? What is their work relationship? Is one or the other superior in hierarchy?

Frankly – this being so early days – maybe the only thing that you should be seeking in your joint therapy sessions is how you two can coexist as a couple until he get’s the promotion and can be better separated from her.

I'm not sure how to reply to others on thread yet so bare with me.

He is her boss. And she is also married but I haven't said anything to her H.
It's funny because her H had reached out to me twice on two seperate occasions when they were on work trips to warn me that they were having an affair but couldn't provide me with definitive evidence of it so I just kind of blew it off but remained suspicious. So today I just feel stupid.

I feel like we will have a lot to unpack at our therapy session. He also is in IC at my request because he obviously has a lot to work on himself.

I am honestly so codependent- I'm worried that if we just coexist in the house then that will cause more damage and he will just run back to her again. We had issues in our marriage before the A that I think contributed, but he's obviously shown that he is weak and I can't trust what he's doing while I can't keep an eye on him.

You have a real problem here. As long as he continues to work with her, you're not going to feel safe.

The up and down yo-yoing is what we call the emotional roller coaster, and it's normal. Well as "normal" as this situation can be. You're not overreacting or being unreasonable. Betrayal trauma is real trauma and PTSD symptoms are common. It can take 2 to 5 years to recover. Not a few weeks or months.

I would question the depth of his "remorse" if dealing with your pain is too much for him to handle. Him acting shady when you check his phone is a red flag, too.

I'm not saying that recovery absolutely can't happen if he continues to work there, but it does make things exponentially harder, and his actions right now aren't overly inspiring. A truly remorseful spouse is willing to do whatever it takes to try and repair the damage that's been done. That includes changing jobs if reasonably possible, answering questions, even if you've asked the same questions a hundred times, and dealing with your pain and confusion without getting impatient or dismissive.

As for couples counseling I recommend a great deal of caution because many couples counselors will try to fix the relationship at any cost, even if it means laying partial blame at the feet of the betrayed spouse. This is not a good thing. We generally recommend individual counseling first. A trauma counselor for you, and a counselor for him to help him get to the bottom of why he thought having an affair was a good idea to begin with. Good marriage counselors are hard to find when it comes to infidelity. Besides that, your marriage didn't cheat. He did. He made the choices. Whatever might be going on in your marriage, no one or nothing made him cheat. That decision os 100% on him and him alone. This is not your fault.

Check out the healing library found in the drop down at the top of the page. There are some good articles there, and read the pinned and bullseye posts. Several of them were recently bumped so they should be on the first page.

Hang in there and keep posting. This is a good group of folks who understand what you're going through. Ask any questions or just vent if you need to. We get it. Most of us have been there. You're being heard.

[This message edited by Pogre at 6:48 PM, Wednesday, September 23rd]