SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m looking for an objective assessment from people who have dealt with emotional infidelity. I’m intentionally leaving feelings and conclusions out and sticking to what I can document.

My husband and I have been together 27 years and live in Arizona. We have a 20 year old son. The other person is a woman he knew in high school who lives in Illinois. To my knowledge, they have not seen each other in person since they were young.

She reconnected with him through LinkedIn in January while our son was in active cancer treatment.

There are really two distinct phases to the communication.

From January until September, their communication was entirely through LinkedIn as far as I can determine. It was intermittent. They might exchange quite a few messages on a particular day and then have little or no communication for a while. I have read those conversations. Most appear platonic and involve their children, travel, hobbies and catching up on their lives.

What I subsequently learned is that she had already been divorced when she first contacted him in January.

She did not tell him that.

For more than six months, she communicated with him as an old high school friend without disclosing that she was divorced. Nothing I have seen indicates that my husband knew she was single.

Then around September 11, she told him she needed to talk to him because she had something she needed to tell him.

That became their first phone conversation.

What she needed to tell him was that she was divorced after a 23 year marriage.

She subsequently wrote that she and her former husband had not "grown together" and that despite being divorced, they were still living in the same home while their son finished high school.

That phone call appears to be the dividing line.

From approximately September 11 through October 4, the communication changed dramatically.

In roughly three weeks there were approximately 30 phone calls, dozens of text messages and continued communication online. The majority of the calls were initiated by her.

Some calls lasted 30 minutes, an hour or longer. There were days with multiple calls. On one afternoon, three calls totaled roughly three hours.

I knew about ONE of these phone calls.

I happened to be outside when my husband pulled into our driveway while talking to her. He casually told me that his old friend had gotten back in touch and that she and her brother were coming to Arizona.

My immediate response was that they could stay with us.

He apparently relayed my offer to her. She asked, "Are you sure your wife won’t mind?" She said she could stay in a hotel because she didn’t want to cause trouble and said she just wanted to "borrow an old friend for a day or 2."

After reviewing all of their written communication, I cannot find anywhere that she says her brother was coming to Arizona with her. It is entirely possible that was discussed verbally, so I cannot say otherwise.

During this same three week period, she repeatedly asked to call him, researched flights to Arizona, told him she wished she could have seen him on a particular weekend and discussed hiking together. My husband invited her to stay in our home.

They exchanged pictures.

She also went through my husband’s brother’s Facebook page, found an old picture of my husband and sent it to him. She then texted, "you look," followed by a separate text containing the starry eyed emoji.

I’m deliberately not assigning a meaning to that. I’m including exactly what occurred.

Then came the first late night call.

My husband and I had been fighting badly throughout that day. He had been drinking and was drunk.

That night he talked to her for 97 minutes.

When I walked into the garage, he ended the call.

The conversation occurred within range of our Ring camera. I later reviewed the footage and heard my husband tell her that his favorite picture she had sent him was the one where she looked "sexy confident."

The following morning he texted her that he "woke up smiling."

He then called her while driving to go fishing and talked to her for approximately another 30 minutes.

Until I discovered all of this, I believed there had essentially been ONE phone conversation between them.

After this came to light, I reviewed his phone, laptop, LinkedIn, texts, emails and the available call history with him present and without giving him an opportunity to delete anything first.

I have not found sexting.

I have not found declarations of love or explicit romantic feelings.

I have not found plans for sex or evidence of a physical relationship.

I have not found another communication platform.

She lives in Illinois and we live in Arizona, and I currently have no evidence that they met in person.

I think those facts are important too.

My husband continues to say that he genuinely believed he was doing nothing wrong. He says he viewed this as reconnecting and catching up with an old friend and was not consciously pursuing a romantic relationship. He acknowledges the amount of communication and the "sexy confident" comment.

After I confronted the woman, she went back to my husband. She said I had the wrong perception of her, asked "Can’t you have female friends?", asked him whether he wanted her to call me and expressed concern about what he was going through.

She also suggested that if I was recording my husband, I had a bigger problem. I was not recording him. I unexpectedly encountered him talking to another woman late at night and subsequently reviewed footage from my own home security camera.

My husband blocked her phone number.

She then contacted him privately through LinkedIn and asked, "Are you ok?"

I currently have no evidence of a physical affair, so I’m not asking anyone to assume one occurred.

What I’m trying to understand is how people who have experienced this would categorize what DID happen.

The part I’m particularly interested in is the progression.

January through early September: more than six months of intermittent, largely platonic LinkedIn communication while she was already divorced but had not disclosed that to him.

Around September 11: she says she needs to talk to him because she has something to tell him. Their first phone conversation occurs and she tells him she is divorced.

September 11 through October 4: approximately 30 phone calls in roughly three weeks, dozens of texts, exchanged pictures, discussion of her traveling from Illinois to Arizona, increasingly personal communication and most of the phone contact initiated by her.

Then the first late night call: 97 minutes after my husband and I had been fighting all day, his "sexy confident" comment about her picture, him ending the call when I entered the garage, followed the next morning by "woke up smiling" and another 30 minute phone call.

Does that constitute an emotional affair even without explicit romantic declarations or physical contact?

Does it look more like a friendship that rapidly crossed boundaries and was progressing toward an emotional affair?

And is it credible that my husband could have participated in this level of communication while genuinely believing he was simply reconnecting with an old friend and doing nothing wrong?

I’m genuinely interested in opinions in either direction. I want people responding to what actually happened, not assuming either that it must have become physical or that it was harmless because it didn’t.

I would say he was travelling a bad path for sure. Crossing lines....yes. Would he have taken it further....that is what he really needs to ask himself and answer honestly.

I think you can overcome this and reconcile. I am very glad you found it at this stage. It is God's hand of protection in my mind. I think he needs to focus his affection on you. You have every right to be hurt. All those hurts should be explored...felt...expressed...and he needs to make amends to gain trust.

Highly recommend getting book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and reading together.

Don't get caught up on whether what he did meets some definition of affair or not. Stick with the actions, injuries and how to heal them at a heart level. And these discussions will invariably get to the level of "intention" eventually. Those need to be explored. You should even explore her intentions for context. What was she really doing?

I am so sorry you are going through this. But I am also thankful it has been intercepted at this stage.

And is it credible that my husband could have participated in this level of communication while genuinely believing he was simply reconnecting with an old friend and doing nothing wrong?

Yes. It is possible.

EA’s can be strange things… In some ways it’s like when you place a frog in warm water and then gently cool it down until the frog freezes in it without seemingly noticing. Yes – there tends to be a certain point in time when the spouse realizes there is a line crossed, but that might be a lot further down the line than we would normally expect or think.

I venture that 2 out of 3 posts you get here will recommend the book Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It gives a good explanation on how these EA’s develop, as well as has some exercises for the two of you to go through.
I strongly recommend you two read this book together and that both of you do the exercises, follow the discussion points and do so with the goal of healing more than the goal of winning some argument.

Slippery slope for sure.

Regardless of the intent, he was giving time to her that he could/should have been giving to you and to your son in cancer treatment. I'm sure you two would have appreciated that level of support during a crisis.

The intent on her end seems pretty clear, imo. Distraction and flattery will get you everywhere when there are no boundaries in place, and he apparently is unclear on that.

Yeah I’d say the beginning of an emotional affair for sure. Way too many txts and phone call frequency and time spent just to shoot the shit.

I sent her this:

I've now seen all of your communication with my husband including LinkedIn, texts and the call history. I have a very clear picture of what happened.

You reconnected with my husband in January while our son was in active cancer treatment and our family was going through one of the most vulnerable periods of our lives. For more than six months, your communication largely looked like two married old friends catching up. You never told him you were divorced.

Then in September, after more than six months of "catching up with an old friend," you needed to connect with him privately by phone to tell him you were divorced, despite already being divorced when you first reconnected with him in January.

What happened after that is difficult to ignore.

Within weeks there were approximately 20 phone calls (only 4 outbound from his phone) and dozens of texts, with the overwhelming majority of the contact initiated by you. Calls became longer and more frequent, sometimes multiple times a day. You sent pictures, repeatedly asked to call, wanted to come to Arizona, told him you wished you could see him and asked whether I would mind you staying in our home so you could "borrow" my husband for a day or two.

My husband and I have been together for 27 years. We have raised a son, survived things together I wouldn't wish on anyone and have been each other's rocks through all of it. I love him deeply. He is completely responsible for every call he answered, every conversation he continued and every boundary he failed to recognize and protect. I will never blame another woman for my husband's choices.

But I won't erase yours either.

And I especially won't accept your suggestion to me that I have a "bigger problem" because I was supposedly recording him. I wasn't recording my husband. I unexpectedly found him outside our home talking privately with another woman at nearly midnight her time. That understandably got my attention. I went back and listened to footage from my own Ring camera and heard my husband tell that woman that his favorite picture of her was the one where she looked "sexy confident." That's what happened. Trying to make the Ring camera the problem rather than acknowledging what I actually heard is an extraordinary deflection.

You also had my phone number. If you genuinely believed I had completely misunderstood an innocent friendship, you could have called me woman to woman. Instead, you went straight back to my husband. You asked if he wanted you to call me. You asked, "Can't you have female friends?" You focused on convincing him that my perception of you was wrong and expressed concern about what he was going through.

And then today, knowing exactly what this had done, you found another private avenue to contact him through LinkedIn to ask if he was okay.

That pattern speaks for itself.

The saddest part is that this could have been so very different. Had you come back into my husband's life genuinely wanting to reconnect with an old friend and the family he loves, I would have welcomed you. I honestly think you and I might have had a lot in common. Instead, nearly all of your interest and energy went toward private access to my husband.

I don't hate you. At this point I actually feel sorry for you. Coming out of a 23 year marriage is an enormous life change. I sincerely hope you take an honest look at why you sought this much attention and connection from someone else's husband and get whatever help you need to work through that. Your son deserves that from you.

This was never about whether my husband can have female friends. It was about this particular relationship and the boundaries both of you allowed to disappear.

I don't need an explanation, an apology or your agreement. I've seen it for myself.

Do not contact my husband again in any form or look for another avenue around that boundary.

This ends here.

[This message edited by dumbfounded104 at 6:34 PM, Wednesday, October 7th]

My reco is: do not communicate with her. She is not your problem. What she did is not your problem. If you have a relationship problem, it's with your H.

IMO, your H probably feels and likes the ego-boost of being liked, and maybe chased, by someone. I don't know where your H is on the slippery slope, but his blocking her says to me that he hasn't fallen into an A yet, but you know better than I can.

IMO, your best bet is to figure out what you want your H's relationship with this woman to be, and ask for that. If your H complies, great - no A. If he whines about her being just a friend, it's too close to an A for my taste.

For the record, I've had a number of women friends and colleagues since our wedding. I was a road warrior, and I've had a number of dinners and lunches one-on-one with women colleagues, I've been accused of being a sly old dog, playing while away from my W. Never happened - I've always had strong boundaries.

*****

I connected with a HS GF about a year before my d-day and kept communicating afterwards. Folks here warned me. I didn't believe. I didn't share my status with old GF, but she seemed to start complaining about her H. Folks were right - something was going on. Alas, I ghosted her instead of dealing directly with my problem with XGF, but ... I don't see how we could have continued as we were going. My boundaries WERE strong, but it would not have been healthy for me to deal with the old GF while I was also dealing with my W and myself.

I sent her this:

I've now seen all of your communication with my husband including LinkedIn, texts and the call history. I have a very clear picture of what happened. <snip>

I'm normally against contacting an AP, but I'm actually impressed with this message. Good on you.

That said, I'd leave it at that. Don't look for a reply, and if she does send one I don't think I would even read it.

Now is the time to focus on your husband. You've already been recommended that you and your husband could read the book "Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass, and it's a very good read. My wife and I listened to the audio version together and it was a real eye opener. If you can, that's how I would suggest doing it.

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:41 PM, Wednesday, October 7th]