SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I'm checking in since I seemed to have reached bottom and withdrawn from everything since Monday. I just feel like my heart finally fell of the earth, and since I haven't slept since Monday early AM...

I decided to stay in a hotel tonight (checked in last night, and now it's EARLY AM). I didn't move out of my house, I just needed to get away from WS (made up excuse to kids - spending night w/friend....

My 44th bday is next week.... WS is trying yo be "nice" when he talks.

Took off my wedding ring - not going for the "D", but can't look at or wear it right now. WS wants to cleanse ring and asked if I wanted a new "setting" for my bday. I dont want presents for a bday and have never been like that.....

Have a 7-paragraph e-mail ready to send to OW. It's calm, etc. but it's still in my "draft" box "to be sent". Should I send this to her,or will things get worse if I do that?

[This message edited by kaylee711 at 3:58 AM, August 22nd (Friday)]

{{Kaylee}},

I am so sorry you are alone and sad in a hotel tonight. I have been so close to that many times. Infidelity sux.

I just wanted you to know you have been heard. I am sending you every positive thought I can tonight, hoping you will feel someone cares,

About the letter to OW. Don't send it tonight. Keep it. You can always send it later when you are in a better place mentally.

I made a big mistake last night which led to my insomnia. I drove by the OW's house. I was just hoping to see her car and get a confirmation she was not in my neighborhood while I was at work. (I know it was an irrational fear but sometimes it overwhelms me because I did not see those signs when the affair was ongoing.)

The OW and her BS were out front walking their dogs. BS did not see me but I know SHE did. I saw in my rear view mirror.

I just gave her my power. She knows I am still thinking about her and I am sure that gave her a sick thrill. I was so stupid!

Don't give your OW any of your power.

I think the above posters have given you great advice. The polygraph sounds like a good thing to schedule. Do you have a trusted friend in real life that can help you? Things got so much better when I finally told someone. Do you have a no nonsense friend that will walk you through the things you know you should do but feel powerless to do alone?

Are you willing to post your letter here?

We encourage people to express themselves here first. We just want to help you avoid more pain.

Kaylee,

I know it's tempting to send something to the OW, because you are in so much pain right now. Think long and hard about it, though. Will it help your recovery? Probably not. Could it make things worse when that's the last thing you need? Probably.

Reread the 180. Do what's right for you. Get together with a friend or close relative who will listen and not judge and let them know what is going on. You cannot deal with this alone.

I wish I'd gone on AD meds 2 years ago when this started for me. Now, after 4 weeks, I'm able to cope with the immense strain and pain.

Most of all, relax a bit and take deep breaths. You will get through this.

How re you doing kaylee? Hope it helped. I was going to suggest doing something for yourself like a spa day or something since you have to take care of yourself by yourself. The 'fake it till you make it' worked for me memtally in certain circumstances like when you face a WS. :/

Don't send anything to the OW. She is a liar, a cheater, and a nasty person. There is nothing you can say that will make her feel sorry or feel your pain or that will make her stop whatever role she has in this. She is going to do what she wants to do, cheaters are selfish. In fact, I'm of the opinion that most OW feel a vain sense of glee when they learn how much they've harmed the BS.

Take care of yourself. I'm glad you got away from him and his bullshit for a while. Try to clear your head, without him constantly throwing out his gaslighting and minimizing comments at you at all turns. Take baby steps to make your life your own. Just baby steps.

Some of you have suggested that I post a copy of the letter I was going to send the OW.... I have not sent the letter yet and am glad that you all have encouraged me not to, because who knows what a letter like that will stir up in the OW's mind....

Posting this here, BTW, makes me feel as though I sent it to the intended recipient (OW)... Thank you to all here who have cautioned me not to just send this to her - never know how that could backfire!

So, if you care to read it, here's the LONG e-mail.

_____________________________________________

OW,

I have never met you, but you have completely turned my life (not to mention those of my/our innocent 13-year old son and 9-year old daughter) upside-down since I found out what you and WS were carrying on via your "sexting", e'mail discussions and (unconfirmed but definitely suspected in my brain and heart) hotel room sex, car sex......... Can't stomach any more of stating this in writing, but you KNOW EXACTLY what I'm referring to here - ESPECIALLY since you didn't have the decency to respond to my e-mail to you as to why you were "inappropriately communicating" with WS (sent shortly after 12:30AM on July 12, 2014).

From what I can see and have been told, it's/was an "Emotional Affair". I am an educated individual and do not have difficulty putting "2 and 2" together here to arrive at the logical kindergarten answer of "4". My intuition and sense of logic tells me that there's a 99.9999999999% chance that you had a physical affair with my husband. Your story to your husband on that fateful day (July 12, 2014) says, confirms, etc., etc., etc. that that was truly the case. When I questioned WS about the whole situation, he said that he DID NOT EVER consider you to be any more than just a long-lost high school band acquaintance...... He seemed to be utterly disgusted at the idea of EVER having a "physical" relationship with you. He also said that he was conversing with you (at least initially) because you had an ill parent and that you had an abusive husband.......

In all complete honesty, the first time YOUR husband, and I ever spoke with him was on the morning of July 12, 2014, when I informed him that there were "inappropriate" communications that I had discovered in WS's e-mail account. He -OW's husband- seemed to be as hurt and in shock as I was that morning and throughout the day. I'm by no means qualified to counsel people or judge them from a psychiatric or psychological standpoint, but he (OW's husband) did not AT ALL seem like an abusive husband. I grew up in a physically abusive home, so I DO know what abusive people are like.... If this was an embellished description that you gave WS of your husband or the way he treated you, you should truly feel shame about this, as there are people in the world who are victims of abuse.

Point of all of this: WHY IN THE WORLD did you "play" the victim with WS? He is/was neither: a) YOUR spouse, -nor- b) NOR is/was he a qualified licensed therapist who is TRAINED to help people work through grievance/loss and abuse. You TOTALLY took advantage of his generosity, and I TRULY know him well enough to know that he is the kind of gentleman who would give his last dollar to a person in need and go "borrow" from somewhere else or simply tough-life out, in order to help someone in need. If you are truly in need of counseling because you THINK your spouse is not treating you right, GO SEEK PROFESSIONAL, LICENSED ADVICE. If you cannot afford a place to stay, I HAVE to ask you this - "Why do you think they set up 'battered' women's shelters?" These "shelters take in not only physically battered women, but they also accommodate those who are suffering from "emotional abuse".

Drawing my own conclusion and knowing the horrible environment I grew up in, you should consider yourself DAMN lucky to have someone like your husband who will listen to you (and your confession(s), I suppose, would be the more appropriate term here) and actually give you a "2nd chance" to resolve your marital problems that this infidelity has caused, wrecking any harmony at the time that you and your husband invested for 26 years and WS and I for 20+ years.

In all fairness, I never saw WS's text transcripts to you, so I cannot say for sure what was "initiated" from his side of the picture (phone texts;.gif or .tif greeting cards mutually exchanged or perhaps messages exchanged via "secret" e-mail account(s), if in fact they did exist). However, I DID see all of the many, many, many e-mails communications/e-mails that I was documenting/printing (and YES, absolutely sharing with your husband.....) that you sent to WS, going back to early/mid 2013. You should REALLY reflect on WHY you didn't receive any responses from WS on many of these.... Think also about why you kept referring to him as your "boyfriend", and at one point, you were even BOLD enough to refer to yourself as his "girlfriend"; however, in NONE of what I uncovered did he reciprocate or confirm that he was truly "your boyfriend" or that you were "his girlfriend".

I truly don't know how you can live with what you have done not only to my family but to your husband and your grown children. I am a forgiving person and know that I am not perfect, but I can never forgive you or forget what has transpired.

Please refrain from contacting anyone in our family ever again.

______________________________________________________________

Kaylee:

I haven't read other posts.

Your husband is most likely gas lighting you.

My husband did the same.

He insisted they were just friends

. Begged me not to call the OWs husband because he would hit her.

It was all Bull.

I met the OWs husband, he is a sweetie. He was a nice guy and totally oblivious to his wife's sleazy behavior.

Yes, it's a therapists job to be supportive of a women who is being abused.

It is NOT your husband's job.

My wayward husband did finally admit to the truth.

If yours won't ask him to take a polygraph test.

Google Polygraph testing in your area. It costs between $200 and $400.

Yes. Definitely do not send this letter. If you send anything to her, I was suggest this portion of your letter only.

Please refrain from contacting anyone in our family ever again.

Frankly, I really feel your anger with her is misdirected. The anger needs to be channeled toward your H. He cheated on you. She didn't cheat on you.

When you are strong enough to deal with the full truth, get the polygraph done and you will know, either way, for sure. As long as you believe the chance that he slept with her was

99.9999999999%

, you will be able to dismiss the certainty of it by thinking there is always a chance he didn't.

BTW, I understand the anger and disgust feelings toward the AP, but the truth is that your spouse is the one that betrayed you and that is something that is much harder to internalize and channel feelings toward.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 6:24 AM, August 24th (Sunday)]

You are handing her your power, friend. Do not do this! Please do not send that letter.

I blew it this week and hope you won't do the same. I drove by the OW's house Thursday night on my way home from work (not my usual route but she lives on a fairly busy rural road that works as a commuter route for me) and she saw me. Do you know what she did today? She came by MY house. (A very private farm). I lost it on FWH and almost let it ruin my whole weekend.

Do not engage the OW because it only ends up hurting YOU. I gave away my power this week and it just made her stronger and hurt me in the process.

You are letting her know in this letter everything your WH has told you. She will be able to know what he HASN'T told you by reading this letter. She will see that you are (most likely) getting TT. She will be able to see if there are still secrets that are just between them and that will give her power.

Please rethink the polygraph.

I think nomistake meant to say DON'T send the letter. The rest of the post backs that up.

Thank you for sharing it with us. We know your heart is in those words. We can feel it.

I'm here to say "me too" for please don't send it. You are inadvertently giving her fuel with all that personal information. She doesn't deserve it. She is a tool used by your husband, nothing more, nothing less.

I agree that your anger is misdirected. I'm not saying you have to be fine with her, not at all. I'm saying that letter will not help you. It probably helped to write it all out and express it, but don't send it to her.

We have read it. We agree with you and we know you are justified. We back you up.

Your anger should be directed more at your husband. I feel like he is still not remorseful and since you aren't getting anywhere with him you switched gears and wrote this to her.

I want your pain to stop. You have to help yourself with that. Here's how.

Do you have your list of requirements to stay married to you? Can you post those and we can help with them?

You can do this. We can help.

Sorry for me typo. I will edit it to say what I meant, which is that I would recommend that you NOT send the letter. The list of reasons is very long. If you'd like to see a detailed list of why, beyond what I said in my previous post, let me know.

Sorry you're suffering this way.

Thank you for sharing the letter with us and let me be one more person who says do not send this to her. To be blunt, you do not matter to her and your kids don't matter to her. All she needs to know, is that she should stay away from your family or that there will be consequences. Hugs.

Don't send that letter. The OW won't care. Not one bit. She doesn't care about herself, so she certainly won't care about you or your children. She has zero self respect, so respecting you or your marriage is a completelly foreign concept. Trust me, she is whoring herself out to some married guy...zero self respect there.

I also vote for the polygraph. You need to find out the truth.

[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 4:52 PM, August 24th (Sunday)]