Limbo
Please bear with me because this is probably long-worded… Started this yesterday but put it aside.
You are doing what is a very common problem (IM (not so humble) O).
You are dropping hints to your WW and expecting HER to dig the both of you out of infidelity or to fix the marriage.
This won’t work and there are numerous reasons why. The main ones being that what you see as problems and what she sees are problems are not the same things. When you leave the snow-shovel leaning against the front-door as a hint she should maybe clear the driveway she’s not thinking the snow is a problem – she’s thinking that you leaving stuff around is a problem.
The other problem is that – if I stick to my snow-in-the-driveway comparison – you need to get out NOW. She doesn’t have the same destination. She enjoys the snow. She enjoys staying warm and toasty inside and ignoring the three-foot deep snow outside keeping you both stuck. You are stuck inside – she is happy inside.
If you want out Limbo – and I am NOT saying out of the marriage – If you want out of infidelity Limbo then YOU are going to have to do some shoveling.
It’s not that you need to clear the driveway for her. You need to start shoveling and – if she wants to – she follows. But if she doesn’t then at least YOU get away before the driveway gets snowed in again.
I have been around for a long time… Some say too long. Probably correct on that but still… here I am. I have seen too many BS sink with the ship. BS that think that by sleeping on the couch for a week, sending hints, asking for change but not following it through… BS that don’t act and eventually sink emotionally and physically with the wreck of the marriage they were trying to save.
I have also seen maybe a larger number of BS jump off the boat and start swimming. Maybe without researching how big the hole in the ship is, or without checking if they might be better off on a lifeboat or even without researching the destination to land.
Limbo – If you have reached a stage where you are willing to get the house appraised and info on divorce from an attorney then how come you haven’t reached the stage where you are willing to force the issue?
In military officer training, there is immense emphasis placed on reconnaissance – evaluation – planning and implementing. Followed by reconnaissance – reevaluation – planning and implementing. Basically, they expect a platoon-leader to gather the information he needs to create a reasonable plan. Once the plan is in place the leader implements the plan. That implementation creates a reaction, sometimes the reaction the leader expected and planned for, sometimes not. The leader then takes the information gathered from the reaction, evaluates a new plan (or carries on with the old one) and implements. He does this again and again – always adjusting his plan to reach his goal.
What the instructors are looking for are the guys that either don’t implement or stick to the plan no matter what. They are looking for inability to plan and implement (limbo…) and stupidity (carrying on no matter what).
My suggestion on talking to the OM wife? Still valid irrespective of them being married or some time since or whatever. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I’m also going to suggest a very direct approach to your wife. One that isn’t based on dropping hints or expecting her to initiate the first steps, but rather one where YOU take the steps and evaluate your next step based on HER actions.
Tell your wife the truth: This marriage the way it is NOW is not what you want.
Tell her that her actions in the past years make you strongly suggest she’s having one or more affairs. Mention OM and the forest. Mention all the other things. But don’t dwell there.
Tell her that marriages can survive anything. But only if they work on a basis of truth and honesty.
You would be willing to do a lot of work to save the marriage and create something you would feel good about growing old in. But it can’t be one-sided and if she isn’t willing to come along then maybe the correct thing to do would be to divorce.
Tell her that NOW is the time to decide. NOW is the time for the truth to come out and that what is told NOW and in the next few days is what will determine if you think the marriage can be saved.
BUT…. ALSO tell her you are not waiting for an answer. You have been in limbo too long. Until she commits clearly and unequivocally to working on the marriage you are simply assuming it’s over. You are initiating the steps to end your marriage. It’s a process and takes time, but you want her to know where you stand and that if there is no change you two can finish the D process in 3-6 months.
This is a plan. It might cause a reaction and you then adjust your plan according to the info you get and the reaction. But you keep momentum. The end-goal isn’t divorce, nor is it reconciliation. Either one of those two is fine. But the end goal is simply to break out of what you have been offered so far.
And then you grab that shovel and go to work. How fast and how much is totally up to you. But it’s NOT up to her. You are acting – not reacting.
If she tells you OK – let’s work on the marriage – then YOU get MC lined up.
If she says nothing then YOU keep on towards D.
If she says fine, I want out too then you keep on towards D.
Limbo – whatever the above leads to it’s better than what you have been offered the past few years.
Action Limbo…. Action.
