SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

G Funk

When PI gets information DONOT give your wife any clue you are outing him. She will warn him. And do it BEFORE the trip .

Get a VAR in her car and and GPSto see if she is where she says she is going to be

And have the D papers ready to hand her she she returns.

You can keep praying but the above will be more effective right now

Very few people here wanted to divorce but they were left with divorcing or living as you are right now. They wanted R but it takes commitment from both spouses. You don't have any control over what she chooses to do. R isn't possible with only 1 spouse (you) working towards it.

We know it's difficult, we know it's painful, we know you never wanted any of this.

When you start taking action, you will begin to feel like you are taking back some control over this. It's the only thing you can do.

I think now is an appropriate time for you to make a list of requirements for staying married to you. These aren't things to make you her boss, they are actions you need to see her doing so you have some assurances that she is actually committed to R and not just saying she is. Because the cheap talk with no actions happens a lot.

This list isn't for right now. Once you start it, keep it in a safe place and away from her until the right moment. The right moment is when the actions you are starting now (informing obs and seeing a lawyer) compel her to ask for your forgiveness and what it will take to allow her to stay with you.

There is no guarantee she will ever do that though. Some spouses say fine, move out, and don't look back. As frightening as that is, remember you can't control what she does. You can only control yourself.

Everyone's list can be different but there are some basics it must include.

A NC letter to her OM (written by her, approved by you) it should be short, blunt, and void of emotion. It should state that he is no longer to speak with her, contact her, etc ever again.

Full transparency. She gives you access to all her devices. She deletes nothing in an attempt to hide it from you. You can at any time ask for her phone, computer so you can look through it. This isn't you being her boss. This is a trust but verify situation. If she agrees to no more contact, then she has to prove it by allowing access.

She needs individual counseling. Someone who deals with behavior issues and family of origin issues. She cheated because something in her isn't right. She has some issues that made cheating acceptable for her. Those need to be addressed and resolved or you will be right back in this spot in the future.

For her I'd make getting a new job a requirement. I would not feel safe as her spouse as long as either one of them has any chance of using business as an excuse for contact. No contract means none, zero.

MC is something you should suggest but not start right now. She'll need several months to start to unravel the issues she's been not facing. She needs to become fully remorseful before MC should start. Too many betrayed spouses want to believe their ws is fully remorseful before they actually are. Crying doesn't make her remorseful. Remorse is not angry or impatient with you. Remorse is not behaving like they are peeved they got caught. There can be more help in determining if she is actually remorseful when you get to thst bridge but that's just a start.

Since religion is so important to you, you might have a requirement that includes your religion. Something that will show her commitment.

There are other requirements but that's a few basics.

Have this list ready in case you need it. Trying to come up with such an important list on the fly isn't a good idea. Hopefully you have a chance to use it.

Good luck at the attorney.

WW said she wouldn't have sex with OM until both were away from their partners.

This means one of two things and I think you are glossing over it. Really think about this.

1. Away from partners means distance. She intends to have sex with him on this trip.

2. Away from partners means marital status. She intends to separate or divorce you.

Or #3, it is all just a lie. Two adult people, both married and she is saying they wont have sex until they are away from their partners. I love how WSs can say such proper words while having an affair.

I wouldn't believe it at all. That doesn't mean it is a lie, I just would not believe it.

R is still very possible. But the thought of that cannot happen until the affair is exposed completely. Then the real world crushes their fantasy world.

The OM will then feel the consequences. Your wife will then feel consequences.

And yes, this has to happen before this so-called business trip.

G Funk

Read that post by BtrayedWife over and over again. You cannot do this by yourself and it is highly unlikely your wife is going to agree to any of that as long as she is telling you she does not love you anymore.

Here is what is going to happen once you expose this to OM wife

(1) Your wife will be furious AND vindictive because right now she feels like she is doing you a favor by staying with you. She feels that way because you have shown her no consequences and have let this continue.

(2) She may even leave the house. Stupid move on her part. Document it and i would have a VAR in your possession when you do this. one thing you can be pretty sure of. Once you expose OM to his wife, she will not be leaving the home to stay with him unless he gets thrown out. most likely, he will be fighting for his life to stay intact.

This will piss your wife off even more at you because you ruined her party.

Once you know how to contact this OM wife, you need to do it in more than one form in case he intercepts it. I would call the house while he is at work if you can get number. PI should be able to do that. i would also send detailed e mail of FB post or i would hand deliver it in day if you can. You MUST make sure the affair exposure gets to her PRIOR to him having ANY knowledge of what you are doing. DO NOT tell her that you did it.

You can count on she will be telling you what happened and will be bonkers.!!!!

Now, all of this means nothing and will accomplish nothing if your wife does not eventually realize what she is walking away from. But that is much more likely to happen when she does not have her OM any more.

Your last ace card, once she knows you know who he is, is to expose it at work. I would flat out tell her it was very suspicious that she found it necessary to drop the trip information on you while all this affair stuff is going on, and that if you find he is out of town at the same time from either his wife or calling the office or having PI track him, that you WILL immediately go to the HR Department. Have a letter prepared and let her know that it is real.

As far as the sex is concerned, she is lying and you ccan bet it has happened. You must decide if you can live with that or not no matter what she does. You CANNOT believe anything she tells you because right now your preaching to her means nothing because she just ignores you and does what she wants.

i know it is not in your nature, but for the next few weeks, try ot get a little nasty and vindictive and give her a dose of her own medicine.

I finally have the OMs address and am going to expose the A to his wife today. Your thoughts and prayers for courage and wisdom are greatly appreciated.

Prayers, gfunk. Thinking of you today!

G Funk

Make sure she believes you and provide her with evidence. he will probably go into denial mode with her and in a lot of cases the wife or husband does not believe it.

Also, you need to make SURE it gets to her in its entirety. Since they have no idea, it is improbably at this point he will be looking to intercept anything.

If she is as pissed as you, she will be another set of eyes and ears and stay in contact with you. But if he rug sweeps it and bull shits her she may not help you.

I would find it unbelievable if his wife gets your communication if your wife does not come home in a rage and tell you she is through. That does not matter because she has already told you that, and has told you she will continue to do what she wants and live in your house with you. this will give her a dose of the real world that that is NOT going to happen.

the important thing is that YOU stay strong and DO NOT waiver, DO NOT compromise, and tell her there is no co-existing with three people in your marriage.

The minute you tell her how much you love her, and want to R, the more you minimize the effect that you are not accepting being Plan B. You must surpress ANY weakness or tears.

it is now time for her to accept that her party is over and it is not returning.

So brace yourself because she is going to be mad as a hornet the next time you see her. If that does not occur, the Om wife did not receive your communication or does not believe you.

sending strength brother.

just a thought, why not have the PI hand the BW your evidence. That way you can assure she got it.

Be strong.

Remember you can only control yourself.

It is not your fault if the obs reacts negatively. You are telling her painful, horrible information. Sometimes their need to deny is strong.

Give her the facts, have some evidence to back it up, stay as collected as possible, try to keep your emotions out of it, and finally provide her a way to contact you if she wants to compare notes later.

Expect the shit to hit the fan with your wife. Don't waver, hold steady. You don't have to respond to out of control questions, threats, or ultimatums from your wife.

This is hard to go through, but exposing is for the best. Hopefully this is what she needs to wake up to what she is doing. I know you want her back. I hope that can happen for you.

We are always here to help and support you.

Stay strong brother you are doing the right thing.

Good luck.

good luck with telling the OBS gfunk. It is the right thing to do!!!!

Was able to get in touch with OBS, apparently OM has had multiple affairs, don't know if this will put a stop to it or not not but not but at least now the OBS Is aware.

Well done. That was the right thing, gfunk.

G Funk

Was she at all pissed or do you think from what you heard she just shrugged it off and may not even say anything to him.

You will know two things by tonight for sure

(1) If he is in any hot water

(2) Since it is Friday night and no work tomorrow, you will know if he is still contacting her at home while you are sitting in the house

If he gets a phone call at work from his wife, i guarantee you will get one from yours

What you just did was the ONLY was you had any chance of stopping this. i hope you gave her your contact information.

G Funk, this may not save your marriage because she has to want to be with you, but you will be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you did whatever you could.

Get ready for the storm of violence from her. If there is nothing said, his wife is just broken and accepting because of the four children. Your next step has to be her job, especially when this trip occurs if he is on it.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 2:16 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]

That's really sad isn't it. What an asshole her husband is. I have to wonder if she will even say anything to him. I hope she hasn't given up on herself.

Glad she didn't wig out on you. Keep hanging in there.

She didn't wig out on me, we exchanged contact information and talked for quite some time. At first she suggested that she may have an open marriage with him to which I replied "that's exactly what he wants and that won't help end the affair in any way, shape, or form" they have been married for 12 years and moved here 5 FL from TX so OBS could be closer to her family because she said she was done with him. I don't know if she's ever going to stand up for herself or if this will even put a dent in the affair but now she knows and I can only hope and pray that she will have the courage to confront the OM about it.

If she says anything to him, your wife will still find out and go bat shit on you. But i will not lie to you and her reaction that she is accepting an open marriage is not good news.

You have got to expose this at work now unless she does more than her reaction indicated.

The real important thing is that she says something at all so that you force the confrontation.

You still need to ask yourself. Are you willing to accept an open marriage like her or aren't you.

If the answer to that question is no then you can't give up and pulling out all stops to stop it.

You need to see your attorney to get all your options in order.

G Funk. Do not back pedal here. You should let the group here know what occurs tonight or whenever you see your wife next.

I already saw an attorney, I am going to tell my wife what I did this evening. I have the courage and faith to do so. At this point I don't care if she likes what she hears, I'll be the open and honest one, even if she continues to go behind my back and lie about her every action. I can only control my actions and how I treat her and will continue to be the better person. I realize more and more than I didn't deserve this and I'm not a terrible man.

That's wonderful to hear. Good for you. When I read your first post compared to this one, you sound like a completely different person. Much stronger and self assured. That was a huge journey in a short time. No matter what happens with you and your wife, you are going to be ok and I think you know that now.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 4:23 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]

G Funk

You have taken a very important step to regaining your dignity and self esteem.

Your wife is going to be totally unrepentant and abusive and threatening, but your next step is to give her the divorce papers (you can stop in any time).

Then she can have a choice of being the mistress of a guy with four kids but not in your house. You must make her leave or tell her she better get an attorney. Then she will not have as much time to concentrate on her affair.

you should also tell her you do not believe this sudden business trip is anything but a reason to get away with other man and that you will be verifying that he is also not out of the office even if you have to walk in and see. And you tell her if you have to do that you will be stopping by HR Department.

Lastly, you contact the OM wife by e mail or however you did it on Monday and tell her your wife came up with a sudden business overnight trip.

that will serve two purposes. it will let you see if you will get any help from her. And second she may tell you she got the same story.

Stay strong. As betryd Wife just told you, the posts now seem like a different person. She has betrayed you and humiliated you in the worst way possible, especially by ignoring you after she was caught.

You are right. You are a better person and do not deserve this.

Don't let it continue. You can do that.