SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey MyName

FYI I rarely read Wayward Side and almost never post. I have not posted on your WWs thread. Probably won’t.

Anyway, I think you are about to start or just started IC, right? That’s a long path and your therapist should be able to help you with these questions.

However, I think along with her proving for the rest of her life that you are the man for her, you will need, as others have said, to know she has had ramifications for her actions.

I do believe she has had a few already. From your description I think the woman she is today Cannot believe how awful a person she was 5 years ago. She will probably beat herself up for the rest of her life. She is furious at the person who was able to hurt the love of her life (you are even if in the fog she didn’t believe it) and what makes it unbearable to her is the fact that the only person she can be mad at, even want to beat up for their actions, is herself.

I’ll say it again, if I had done this to my wife, I couldn’t live with it and I’d truly feel pain about it every day. I believe this to be true of your WW

But if that is not a big enough ramification, or tangible enough, as I believe Michigan said, I would talk to her about the possibility of staying together but divorcing. As she said, she murdered the marriage. Why pretend one exists when it doesn’t. It’s gone. If she’s really ALL IN she would relish the chance to start again with you from scratch.

She will have lost “status” as your wife, but if you can do the hard work and down the road she has made you feel her love and feel safe again you could start over with engagement and a new marriage. If it works out it would be real meaningful.

Lastly I mentioned to you before and you acknowledged this... she can prove her commitment by confessing to all the close family and friends (including the kids) the terrible choice she made and how incredibly remorseful she is. This happened. It shouldn’t be kept a hidden secret of the family. It’s a part of your family now, and if people see you are both ALL IN and you say that while you are terribly hurt you are optimistic then they should feel how you are both trying and support both of you going forward.

I got to say, I wouldn’t do any of this before discussing and working it with your ICs.

However, what she did was so explicit, and you know the truth about it, that taking these types of actions where she is truly giving up something precious, her marriage and her pride, can go a long way to proving her commitment to you.

If I was advising her I’d recommend she offer each of these approaches to you for your consideration. Then maybe you can together work yourselves toward happiness and eventual peace in your hearts.

Those are just my thoughts. “Take what you need, leave the rest....”

Thanks

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:54 PM, February 6th (Tuesday)]

How're things going, MNINB?

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:24 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

MyName,

A positive step that you have found a therapist who may work for you. Forthright (blunt) in my mind would be an attribute that would trump likeable. I needed someone that would challenge me. The key is that you were able to open up initially. That is a basis for developing trust. She is spot on about being in a crisis. That allows a recognition that a triage process is necessary. The Gottman stuff is first rate. I find it very helpful.

I became more depressed after starting therapy. That shook me. But therapy turned out to be the best gift I could give myself.

Hang in there. All the support in the world for you here.

Tell "I do not want to break family" POS's wife /GF about this. There has to be an overlap. At least you make this player POS to worry a little by doing so

The therapist suggested some resources for us to use including videos

MyNameIsNobody

I recommend that you search for a 20 minute TED Talk by Helen Fisher, "Why we love why we cheat." Both you and your wife should look at it.

[This message edited by Michigan at 10:47 AM, February 9th (Friday)]

MNIN:

I am going to say something to you that will not be popular with you, nor many betrayed spouses on this forum.

You are asking your wife to do something of which she (and all waywards for that matter) are incapable...that is to make you feel a certain way.

Think about it... Yes, you are hurt...crushed, and understandably so. In response, you ask her to help assuage your pain, which is a perfectly rational request.

Yet...your method of doing so is to proverbially paint her into a corner with the exception of a 2 inch line which she is expected to use to walk on...which she willingly does...and then you tell her that balancing on the 2 inch line wasn't good enough.

This cycle is leading to you devolving. It shows in the tone of your posts from dday to now. Again, I want to reiterate that this is not abnormal, but actually quite normal. However, if you are not aware of what exactly is happening, you cannot mitigate it.

I want you to read the following article. It will explain why you are devolving in this method. Please tell me how you view yourself in the model it shows. I think you will find it eye opening.

One minute, one hour, one day, one step at a time, brother.

https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

Note to Moderators: this link has been previously vetted by a moderator.

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:25 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

MNIN:

Have you read the article?

I want to answer each of your questions, but will not be able to adequately do so without you understanding the drama triangle.

For context, I am a BS from my previous marriage. My wife left me for her AP.

Myname, waywards aren't allowed to post in the just found out forum. So all of the responses on this thread are from betrayed spouses.

Hellfire:

In fairness, neither my signature nor my profile indicate my status as a BS.

My post to MNIN is the first time I have disclosed my status as that is the first time it has ever been asked.

It was a legit question.

So sorry for your situation.

But I am glad that you did get to read what she wrote and about her A.

Be sure to watch her actions, not her words. Actions mean so much. She did not think about your or the kids while in her A.

She used her time and efforts for her affair, and thru herself at the OM.

You have stated that you want her to see your pain. You have discussed many things.

Does she love you enough to feel pain if she thought about you having an affair like she did? She needs to really think about you having an A.

She will only feel some of your pain, if she still loves you. The picture she paints from her writing in that other forum about the one that got away is that she loved the OM deeply.

Glad that you have asked her for the timeline to get the entire truth. I had to know everything, I needed the entire puzzle put together without pieces missing.

Hope you find some days of peace.

I do not think that you will ever be able to forget this. Glad that you are doing the poly.

hope you and the kids enjoy some time together.

I do not know how she can tell or show you that you are plan A. Good that you are wondering whether you plan A is better with her or without her.

WS wrote the final post to the love lorn forum and it has helped me to read it and know that it's there.

Hi MyName, this made me wonder about that other forum. It seems that it is still a somewhat active forum, or, at least, is still able to be updated or located by an internet search engine. Does it have an 'edit' capacity for the original poster to alter or add to previous posts like that which we have here on this site? Could these posts have been edited, updated or removed at any time over this three year period?

Sorry to have you here and here are my observations:

Your situation is one of the clearest and easiest to deal with I have seen in a long time.

In my mind there is absolutely no confusion (as I have said before).

She went after OM. They slept together and had an ongoing relationship with no regard for you whatsoever. Absolutely she would have dumped you if he asked her to.

He then got tired of her, found someone else and she tried very hard to get him back (throwing herself and offering sex).

Then she went onto the lovelorn forum and for years poured her heart out about missing him etc - this was to help her heal.

It is very clear that you dont even come close to her relationship with him and that this marriage is toast. She will say ANYTHING to do damage limitation. You are truly trying to breathe life into something that is dead and deep down you know it. The reality will only raise its head again and again if you continue to rugsweep and ignore it.

Get yourself out of this marriage and become healthy again.

Wow you should just like my brother when you tell your story. It also appears you've married my wife's twin sister. Sorry to come out sounding like I'm telling jokes yet I'm not. The things she did and said and used to rationalize her actions are identical to what mine did to me, a classic cheaters logic.

The suggestion to drink water is obvious to you now I'm sure, but it's true. A lot of us quit eating for days on in, and consumed a lot of everything we could het our hands on. My personal choice is whiskey, adding depressants on top of depression.

I'm not going to be able topick apart your story as well as most others but it is a great thing you spent a lot of time reading already. It helped me, somewhat.

I wish you luck, but in my case, I just couldn't see the forest for the tree that was standing right in front of me....

How are you holding up, MNIN?

MyName,

Has your WW provided you with the date of last contact with the OM, prior to the NC letter?

Has she provided an accounting of the current status and history of the Social Networking group she helped form? Has she given you access to the subjects and content discussed within that group? Also, has she given you the date of her last contact with that group?

Is it possible that she did not end contact with one or both of these parties until after the disturbed woman from the Social Networking group contacted you in September of last year?

It is obvious she had plenty of time to delete whatever evidence she could between September and late January.

[This message edited by EarsEyesTongue at 6:45 PM, February 12th (Monday)]

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:26 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

I do not think that you are doing bad at all. You have made some very logical steps, which is HUGE at this point.

Just understanding that you are in no position to make a choice is a great milestone.

You'll continue to heal.

Your path is one that takes you to the center of the drama triangle, or what is frequently called 50,000 feet. This is the approach that I was hoping to see/elicit from you.

The black hole is your seat in the victim chair. From there, the transition to the perpetrator/aggressor chair is incredibly...easy. Keep this is mind moving forward.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 10:36 AM, February 13th (Tuesday)]