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While Booyah's post had certain truths and merits, I know that for my own self as well as my fWW'S sake that the grieving aspect of this trauma and loss is NOT to be just pushed past en route to a higher, better plane as though it's just a mere obstacle or thorn in one's side.

My own wife entirely bypassed her grieving instincts when our baby girl died in the womb prior to my wife's full labor and delivery of her.

She was raised to always, "be strong" and to basically " never let 'em see you sweat" and while I grieved openly, she internalized her grief and exchanged it for anger and disgust. This internalizing brought her to despising ME and my grief and saw me as weak and unmanly, and when another fellow from her past popped into her world unannounced, she took to him like a fly to a pile of fresh bullshit.

Aside from what that did to me, her lover-picker was INCREDIBLY nuked and that guy was soooooo loser that it has boggled my mind (and even hers a bit) for YEARS as to what she saw in him behind the scales and fangs that were clear enough to her peers and myself as well.

This bypassing of grief, IMO, is also largely what compelled her in part to make other numerous self-destructive choices during our early married years, and I think largely what resulted in her having anxiety/panic attacks and other serious issues that arose later.

The anger aspects will come in due time and in fact ALREADY are making their rounds within her heart and mind--as we can see on her more recent posts. But grief and sorrow have their place. Maybe not logically where the loss of such a monster is concerned, but psychologically where such a trauma, deep betrayal, broken dreams & hopes, and personal connection and a veritable bankruptcy of a very real sort has occurred.

When you are feeling stronger and maybe up for a good cry or deep look at the value of sorrow and grief, I strongly recommend that you watch the 2015 movie "Inside Out". I think it makes this case very well, in fact, and it's a Disney animated family film but of course it's very likely to hurt some since EVERYTHING hurts when you're a serious burn victim.

Still...even burn victims have to go thru some controlled, constructive-intended, pain processing during abrading of compromised-but-still-"living" tissue. You just have to face the pain sometimes to get thru to the better, healthier side, it seems.

I'll send a trailer or clip of the film along, so you get a look before you leap.

(I couldn't find the kind of clip I was looking for initially, but this overly analytical, science-minded " review" and synopsis of the movie did come up in my search, so I guess I'll send it song. The film is much more watchable than this clip I'm sending shots likely suggest, however.)

Inside Out: Emotional Theory Comes Alive--https://youtu.be/xXYhua4IwoE

[This message edited by Cephastion at 9:00 AM, April 28th (Saturday)]

Hellfire thanks I will definitely look that one up :)

Booyah, thats going to be one long list !!!

When I saw son yesterday he told me 'dad said I am not to give you OW's phone number'

The arrogant POS, I am not remotely interested in ringing that cow, nor am I interested in knowing anything about what they are doing. The LAST thing I want/would do is hurt myself more or lower myself to their standards. NC is working just fine for me as everyone here advised. I am not getting new hurt on top of old. I am just angry that he is so far up his own ass that he thinks I would contact his floozy. At least thats a bit more anger to pop in my anger ometer and a little less love and respect in my love ometer.

I may be hurting but I am sure not fighting her for that sad sack. The arrogance of him is off the scale, must be pissing him off that I am not contacting them, kicking his over inflated ego, poor lamb!

Feeling a bit better today and it has been such an enormous help that I was at least prepared for down days, thanks to the wonderful SI family.

Ive applied for a copy of my marriage cert as he ripped original up years ago in a temper. Also got an appt with my solicitor next week. Im keeping moving forward despite the odd step back.

Thank you all

"Stop worrying/focusing on what's disappearing, and start focusing on what's appearing".

Ron Carpenter Jr.

Very wise words.....

Hi Booyah

Great advice, but all that is appearing right now is the reappearance of my last meal.

Been a rough couple of days, but to be expected I suppose. I had a few stronger days but been punched in the gut again, no specific reason.

I think it was probably triggered by ex telling our son that their 'bond has been broken' after the recent heated arguments between them. I suspect that he attempting to alleviate his guilt at moving away into the arms of she with the vice like lady bits.

I feel for him! The other thing I am worried about right now is that we have a very old but much loved familly doggy. she is very small, totally deaf now and with limited sight. My son was brought up with her and she is his world. We call her 'Nanny' as she has always protected him and slept on his bed. She has been pining alot lately and is rapidly deteriorating.

I have a gut feeling that she isnt going to last much longer, I have started checking that she is breathing during the night and every morning expect the worst.

I know it is going to destroy us all when she goes, but not anywhere near how it is going to destroy our son, epecially at this time.

I think the old girl has sensed pain and is pining, I am trying to give her all the love I can and she now sleeps in my room at night. But she seems to have withdrawn and isnt eating, though she will eat a few tiny pieces of chicken if I cuddle her and hand feed her which I am doing.

Not really relevant, but just another indirect casualty of all this shit. I am hoping she will be ok but preparing myself for the worst.

Thanks for listening and for your reply.

Could I please ask some urgent advice. I have managed to track down OW's estranged husband. I was deeply concerned regarding comments my ex was making about their custody battle and about all the money she was receiving off her ex.

My ex also threatened me if I ever contacted him (OW's ex) as she would 'lose her children'

Something has been bothering me about all this and I feel that this man has a right to know what is going on. If someone had information which could assist me in a custody battle, then I would be grateful to them for sharing that with me.

However I am afraid of the backlash from my ex, I am kind of torn. I have left a message for OW's ex at his place of work, asking him to contact me if he wishes too.

I am starting to feel very nervous about this, m I doing the right thing?

Thanks

Please let him know everything you know about the affair. Your WH is still protecting the OW. Just make sure you protect yourself from possible retaliation with your lawyer. Try to lock up your finances and make it impossible for him to deplete your savings, IRA, etc.

Aside from the very real threat issue that genuinely concerns ME where your already violent and "trained" husband is concerned, I'm also concerned about the mental and emotional abuse that is FAR from being healed or even hardly addressed as yet.

One thing you could do is get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and/or a security camera that could at least record any damaging actions and words and threat tactics and harrassment that he might resort to in order to back up his threats to you and prove his "lurve" and manliness to his new found fellow abuse-a-holic whore. He might also want to show her proof of his "loyalty" and fierce willingness to take risks on her "behalf" by adding injury to insult against your person.

I wouldn't normally vilify or assume the worst of most mere threats, but since he's already got a history of violence even WITHOUT that monstrosity digging her spurs into his loins, it seems very likely that he would be ignorant and ugly enough to do something "showy" on her behalf and in (physical) terms that he's quite comfortable in employing, unlike hacking your computer or trying to ruin or hurt you legally--which likely aren't his weapons of choice.

I think a security system or having your son there for a good while might be very much in order.

Even though I typically the OBS SHOULD be made aware of what's going on with his adulterous wife and his finances, to say nothing of his sexual/physical health and well-being, etc...yet...in YOUR particular case, I guess I would outsource this responsibility or at least put it off until your own living conditions and security are somehow well taken care of to address any potential added repercussions or fallout from further"inconveniencing" actions being taken on your part.

Your husband doesn't seem to recognize real boundaries or have any real concern for consequences for his actions other than as they might relate to his relationship with his newfound whore.

I think he's genuinely DANGEROUS and should be avoided at all costs until he's entirely disempowered and/or incarcerated.

You need to get a restraining order issued against him in my honest opinion. He's not only repeatedly beaten & abused you in the past, but he's outright THREATENING to do you some kind of harm in the present, and for merely verbally WARNING another betrayed person, at that!