SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have never been diagnosed with any sort of emotional or mental problems however the more I read the more I think I am suffering from depression. I always thought depression was one particular thing and there were no variables, now that I am older I realize I was wrong. I went through chemo 2.5 years ago and realize I don't think I have been truly happy since then. I have a great wife but I feel gray and drab inside. There are times when I am happy but then it seems to revert back to the same drab feeling. Over the past 2 plus years my behavior has changed in that I get angry and lash out, risky behavior (affair) and inappropriate anger. I was absolutely wrong to have an affair and lie about it. I have continued to lie to my wife about things since. SAhe was digging in my past and would find different things and I would lie about them. Why did I lie about them? I guess I was scared and lieing was what I learned. My father had at least one affair, probably multiplle. He lied about everything and still does. He is not in his 70's and has nothing. I did not have a good role model growing up and I am turning into a train wreck. I need to stop this cycle so my son has a good role model to look up to. My wife keeps asking me what else is she going to find, I told her everything is out but I said that many times. I am positive everything is out and hopefully she will believe me but I do not blame her for not believing me. I very much want my marriage to work out but sometimes I think she would be better off without me because she would not have to wonder all the time what am I doing. I want to be a better person, someone my son can look up to and one my wife can look at without disappointment and disgust. I am going to explore depression because if I don't fix me then I can't fix us.

I also had the need for external validation, maybe some of you can relate.

My W and I have been M for 14 yrs, and are in the process of R. Our M was not at all as bad is I had installed it in my mind leading up to the A with a co-worker.

All the signes said my W sould have been the one to have the A, a less than desirable childhood, drugs and alchohol in the household, a split family at age 14, and forced to grow up way too early in ordeer to support drug and alchohol addicted father.

Myself, I grew up in a loving family with no conflict. Never tried drugs, involved in school and sports and was always confident. since I can remember, I always strived to be the best at everything I did or i would move on to something I could be better at. I have followed this pattern with success at work, moving my way into a management position with a large corporation. Like I said, I was always confident I was the best.

My W is also very BEAUTIFUL, smart and successful, but has some self esteem issues of her own. Always needing to be perfect for everyone, needing to be attractive, never leaving the house without the proper time spent primpingand of corse, the surgeries for a better body. (I did not feel she needed)

Why did she need to be so great for everyone else? Why was I not enough? My confidence in myselfstarted to fall rapidly.

I have always been a flirt, wich i know now was more than just being nice. (like i always told myself). When my self esteem eventually hit rock bottom, I took the flirting to a whole other level. When a co-worker in the same job title as my W started making flirtatious comments to me, I took the bait, hook, line and sinker. I made myself believe that "surely my W didn't love me anymore (not true). I became infactuated with the feeling of being great again, praised for the great job, told how handsome I was, wich eventually led to lunches, holding hands and kissing. I was addicted to that feeling of greatness wich I felt I had lost in my M. My selfish need to look outside my greatest accomplishment, my M and family, has torn my self esteem to a new low (rock bottom is just the beginning).

I am in IC, and working very hard to find more answers concerning what led me to believe it was OK to go against my values, to take my vows and stomp them into the mud, to take my W's self esteem (already low) and rip it to shreds and turn her whole world inside out and upside down.

I love my wife!

I love you babe.

I want nothing more than to show you, I am the man you married. I am no longer clouded. I desire R with you, no matter how long it takes.

I am trying.

My reasons are very shallow.

1. OM is handsome and was nice to me. My husband is mean to me

2. I have not had fun in a long time

3. Why can't I?

Bumping in hopes that every WS in this forum will read Frank2010's incredibly brave and insightful thread in General.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=420961

I am so pleased to see how long this thread has survived on SI! I haven't been on in a while. But I feel it's time for an update.

3 years ago, when I started this thread, I pondered why I did this to my husband and to myself. I threw out some theories. I knew I was broken. I knew I had issues, but I didn't really know why will power and self-control weren't enough to make me stop. I toyed with the idea that maybe I was a sex addict, but I quickly dismissed it because I didn't take the time to investigate what being a sex addict actually means. I measured myself against what I believed a sex addict is and decided that wasn't me. Maybe I didn't want the label.

Well, fast forward 3 years, and I have a whole new belief system that I'm going to share in the hopes that I may help someone else who is struggling.

When I was found out by my husband in January of 2008, we worked hard to stay together. We went to counseling, both couples and individual. I took a polygraph. And I managed to stay faithful for 2 whole years.

But in May of 2010, I slipped and when I slipped, I slipped hard. Within days of the first encounter, I was exactly back to where I had been, if not further. And I behaved just as I had before for 7 months, until I was found out again.

This time around, since my husband had already been through the trenches with me, arrived at a decision very quickly. And it was my friend who suggested that maybe I was, in fact, a sex addict.

An addict is someone whose life has become unmanageable, who is powerless over their addiction, who has repeatedly tried to quit on their own and failed every time. That was me, to a T. Attention, and flirting, and the chase was my "drug." Whenever I felt lonely, depressed, out of control, trapped, I turned to my drug for comfort. It didn't matter that would it hurt my family if they knew. It didn't matter that I was putting myself in severely dangerous situations. All that mattered was getting my "fix." And eventually, the normal amount of flirting and attention wasn't enough anymore. I was constantly on the lookout for the bigger, better high. And until I was discovered, I was going through that hell totally alone. Not a soul knew. I figured if no one knew, not even my closest girlfriends, there was less chance I'd ever get caught.

But of course, keeping that secret festering without any way to bring it out into the light was like a fungus growing in my soul. I am thoroughly convinced that if my husband hadn't discovered my activities, I would be dead now.

Since our most recent D-Day in January, I am proud to say I have been sober almost 9 months. My husband and I completed a faith-based 3-day intensive sex addict and spouse therapy that I highly recommend (for more information about this program, feel free to private message me. This invitation is open to both BS's and WS's.) I took another polygraph which I passed. I am seeing an individual counselor who specializes in sex addiction. AND I go to 3 to 4 12-step meetings a week, without which I would be lost.

I am by no means cured. I never will be. I will always be a sex addict and I will have to go to meetings for the rest of my life. But this is an eventuality I happily accept. Going to meetings, hearing other people's struggles, reading from the inspirational literature, talking things over with my sponsor, all these things help keep my head straight, which keeps me sober.

My husband and I are about to celebrate our 12th anniversary later this month. We are still struggling to stay together, some days are wonderful, others not so much. Some days are still so hard for him, what with triggers and memories. But we definitely have a clearer idea of what we both want out of our marriage and how to make that happen. And I have faith that we will see this through to the end. Thanks for reading!

[This message edited by ScarletA at 2:46 PM, October 13th (Thursday)]

*No BS's answering by proxy please. This thread is intended for WS answers*

[This message edited by metamorphisis at 2:03 PM, October 17th (Monday)]

I'm still trying to figure out why I did it. My BS was no longer interested in me romantically. And I was desperate to feel needed by someone.

I've come to realize the biggest issue was my expecting our marriage to go smoothly without much effort on my behalf. I'm striving to improve and win back her trust.

I'm very lucky to still have her.

bump

Thanks for this post....I know my why (or 90% of it I would guess) but am not willing to share it 'publicly'.

Damaged2010

I am a BS and although I have not read all pages yet, I am appreciating this thread and would like to add. Yes my H craved the attention, sure was great being told how hot, cute, funny he is all day every day. But he has also expressed the whole fantasy vs. reality concept. When she called him during the work day it was laughter, flirting, ego boosting as they had nothing else. When I called during the work day there was kids screaming in the background, there was talk of financial struggles, requests to stop at the store on your way home and when you get here I need you to mow the lawn....etc. You lose sight that if the AP was your H or W they would be the same because that is the reality of married life....real life....responsibilities. With her he had no stress, no responsibilities, not a care in the world. So yea I suppose those calls were much more welcomed than mine. Not sure if this point has been raised, just throwing it out there!

I know you and I have chatted privately, but I just want to say that what you describe is how I was with my husband for the year before I started my affair when I was staying home and he was traveling for work.....yet my BH didn't cheat, I did. I would still suggest your WH dig deeper.

its_me:

I'm still trying to figure out why I did it. My BS was no longer interested in me romantically. And I was desperate to feel needed by someone.

Gently, kind of the same comment to you. You not being wanted romantically is not a reason.

I've come to realize the biggest issue was my expecting our marriage to go smoothly without much effort on my behalf. I'm striving to improve and win back her trust.

While this probably has nothing to do with your reasoning for an affair, I think that is something every married person realizes after about.....oh, I'd guess 6-7 years of marriage depending on the timeline. It seems so easy when you are dating, living together, newly married. My husband put me through grad school, we bought a house, I switched careers...and it was all SOOO easy. Fun. Creating that life together was SO much fun.

And then it was like we hit our maximum capacity once we added kids, a bigger mortgage, more stressful career. And we couldn't just sit back and have fun anymore without actively working on the marriage. I used to wonder, for the first 6 years of marriage why everyone said that marriage was 'hard' and then I found out.....

So I understand what you are saying.

(oh, and welcome!)

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 11:04 AM, October 17th (Monday)]

Bump

Bump

*No BS's answering by proxy please. This thread is intended for WS answers*

[This message edited by trying2deal at 9:29 PM, October 20th (Thursday)]

This thread is really the first one I've felt the need to reply to since my affair ended in Jan 2010.

The reason(s) why someone embarks on an affair are some of the most important aspects to understand. In my own experience, when asked by my counsellor during our very first session what I wanted to initially focus on, I felt it important to try to understand why I was able to choose to inflict such terrible pain and torment on my wife in such a way, for many reasons. Being able to answer the big 'why' becomes a preventative measure - to stop something like this happening again. It also highlights issues you have probably always had, helps you explore your life story and to find patterns of behaviour, helps you determine precisely how you feel about your partner and unearths the other questions that require answers.

In my case, I feel comfortable with the feeling that I've broadly answered the 'why did I do this' question. I don't feel I've yet answered all the questions that stemmed away from it, such as why I was so scared to just tell my distraught wife the entire truth in one hit, rather than trickle-feed it to her. These questions I intend to answer in time. However, in direct response to this thread I wanted to add my own experience.

I needed strokes. I was at a particularly low point in my life (which had nothing to do with my wife - she was just then as she has always been... a loving, devoted, concerned, wonderful wife who suffered every bit as much as I did at that time but focused solely on my welfare) and didn't realise just how bad it was. My xAP was staying at our house along with a number of other guests. She was barely more than an acquaintance the day she arrived but there was a degree of attraction to her on my part. By the end of a 5-day period it became apparent to me that this attraction was mutual and after she left, I went to shameful lengths to find out if her and I had a future together. I played to my wife's faith in me (she already suspected something was going on by this point and didn't like the xAP at all) and managed to convince her to let my xAP stay at our house. I'll save all the details for another thread but suffice it to say my behaviour, my choices and my decisions (in some cases, lack thereof) were shameful, destructive and my poor BS bore the brunt of all of it.

My xAP and I continued a mostly online affair after this point, with only two real life meetups. However, I found I was literally petrified at even the thought of meeting up with her. I felt pressured to make the affair truly physical when I didn't really want that. I got all the strokes I needed from the chats online. A small part of me wanted to see her, of course, but the greatest part of me didn't want it to the point where I procrastinated about agreeing to a face-to-face meet-up for a few months. I made excuses, avoided the issue, changed the subject etc and was more than happy to do so. Eventually, we met up although I had said no to this. She surprised me by simply being there waiting for me one morning. Still, I struggled to find things to talk to her about in person, whereas online it was much easier. I made excuses about 'not being ready' to have sex with her, and this meetup consisted of us just walking, talking and kissing. This was enough for me.

We met up one final time just a couple of weeks before she ended the affair. We finally crossed the sexual line after I felt too much pressure to oblige. I just wanted to get it over with - there was no major excitement about it for me. The sex wasn't what I needed or wanted. The sex was lousy - all my previous experiences with my wife had been better than this. My wife, then and now, turned me on more than she did. The relationship with my xAP was already dwindling and this meet-up was the final nail in the coffin I think as she called it off with me very shortly afterwards, to which I felt relief and next to no remorse. I quickly moved on and started to forget so much of it.

All this is important because, to me, it confirms my firm belief that I just wanted the strokes, the way she made me feel, rather than her herself. My wife was always great at giving me positive words of encouragement but sometimes that isn't enough, especially when you have so very few people around you. My xAP came along at the wrong time, somehow made it to a place where I received strokes, encouragement and validation from her, and I found myself in a place where I just couldn't live without that.

I did it because it filled an emptiness I didn't realise I had and was a welcome change of pace to the stress and fear for the future I had in the immediate weeks before the affair. I am now in a place where I crave that sort of attention from my wife and my wife alone. I miss her so very much despite us living under the same roof. I now understand that the strokes you receive from your spouse during the natural course of marriage CAN be all you ever need so long as you don't take it for granted, and realise that they need to hear those things just as much as you. I so very much regret not giving my wife the strokes she too needed and deserved. I was a terrible husband - selfish at times but I loved her with all my heart yet just didn't know how to show it.

I never knew I needed those strokes so much until I started receiving them from my xAP. I wholeheartedly believe I'm now in a place where I no longer 'need' those strokes. I am so confident that this will not happen again and have experienced the terrible irony that having an affair can bring - that your partner means more to you than you ever thought. I always loved my wife before the affair, it just took having an affair and dealing with it after it ended to realise just how goddamned much I love her. It has made me relive old memories of my wife and I together and discover just how much I cherish those memories and wish to create a thousand more.

As this thread directly concerns the reasons why a person has an affair, I've omitted a lot of details about the affair itself and some of the truly shameful things I did. I've taken my wife to the farthest extremes of pain and depression and I am so truly sorry to her for this. I'd take every ounce of that pain from her if I could. But trying to understand why I embarked on an affair has helped me enormously and I am sure there is still more to learn about it. I wanted to try to encourage those other xWSs to really make sure they tackle the why as much as possible. It's quite possibly the most important question you need to understand.

bump.

I didn't read all the replies but one that struck me was the original poster's statement of basking in male attention. Part of my brokenness was FOO issues (and who doesn't have those???) and the environment I was raised in. I'm the youngest of 7 so I'm 99.9% sure my place in the birth order played a part. (And no, being the youngest of a large family is *not* the cushy place most seem to think it is). The environment I grew up in was not familial. I was a ward of the state from the age of 6 to graduation from high school. Eleven years. From the time I started to get interested in boys, I was given the impression that I wasn't pretty enough to be interesting. It was decided that I was the "good girl" and was never given the opportunity to go against the rules (if that makes any sense). The perception became the reality. And I rebelled.

What I discovered through this mess I landed my H and I in was I was too weak to claim my right to define myself. I'd handed that over to people without a second thought. I'd handed it over and then tried my damnedest to prove people wrong. As a result, I put my H through the hell of infidelity.

I've learned a lot through this but one of the most important things is NO ONE knows me well enough to say who I am except me.

bump

As a BS I want to say thank you to all of you who posted, this helps me to understand.

Can't say exactly why, and I don't think I will ever be able to fully explain it. There is no real excuse. But, I guess I felt like something was missing. So when the OM gave me the few things I *thought* I was missing, I continued to run to him for it instead of communicating my needs to my BH. I became addicted to the OM's personality and soon enough I was living in a double life/fantasy world that I kept all to myself. Nobody knew until DDay-- not my family, not my friends, and certainly not my husband. It was my secret "guilty pleasure" and I didn't want to hear the judgement from anyone. If nobody knew then nobody would find out, right? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

I thought I was missing something, but now I'm missing everything. I wish I wasn't too blind to see that before I made such horrible choices...

ScarletA, wonderful post!! I definitely can relate to you on some of your points.

I definitely have looked for external validation from men. I don't wear makeup, and don't care what I look like - I figure if someone likes me in jeans and a tshirt without make up, then they're ok. Problem is, I'd want to catch a lot of guys' eyes at the same time. Even when I was married, I needed someone to tell me I was beautiful. XBH would tell me daily, but I thought it was because he had to, not because he really believed it. I didn't feel it till years later, when I internalized it. I am not the best looking woman, but I'm not ugly either. I also need to be the center of attention, have to hold someone's attention regardless.

While there have been problems in the marriage, I can't blame the As on that. It was me being selfish, wanting my own thing, and that was that.

Bump

[This message edited by IrishLass518 at 8:40 AM, February 7th (Tuesday)]