SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Talk about what?

She clearly doesn't consider herself to be married, and none of us would recommend working on the divorce settlement in this emotional state.

Definitely time to talk to a lawyer, though. You need to find out how best to handle a situation where a spouse voluntarily leaves the home.

Get the best lawyer possible - the best ones may be more expensive, but they're worth it. Interview more than one.

I guess there are some minimal arrangements you need to make regarding your son, but do you have family that can step in?

Obviously, you know begging and pleading won't work. Do you have someone who can be there with you - a family member or friend? Remember that if someone close to you were going through this, you'd want to know so you could provide support.

Thanks tushnurse, I'm listening.

Thanks Red Sox.

We'll keep telling you the same thing. She's already left your marriage. I'm very sorry to say that she has already chosen the other man. Reread Bigger's post. Everyone here.

Tell her that you want the M, but tell her she's making her choice to leave you and your child. If you are home before she is, pack her stuff for her, put it by the front door, and tell her the only choice she has given your family is to freely let her go since she chooses not to be married to your family. This is all her choice and that your family will not settle. All in or all out. She has chosen. Tell her to have a nice life.

Sending strength and courage brother.

Yearsofpain... Thank you.

I hope I'm not to late with this bit of advice. Make an outline of the issues you need to discuss with the lawyer. These are custody, support, asset division, the potential for spousal,support during and after a possible divorce, how long does the process take if contested and if uncontested, sale of house, role of fault if any in property division and spousal support, and anything other issue you may have with the legal aspects of divorce including pension and medical insurance.

Don't share this visit or it's results with her -- today's issue isn't what happens in a divorce it's doing what Bigger told you to do.

Hang in there, brother.

The one thing all of us can tell you is that it gets better.

One more thing I would like to add.

Sending thoughts and prayers to that little boy of yours. For that is my story and ultimately who I'm thinking of.

Thanks everyone & to yearsofpain25, thank you for the kind thought. He's with me right now. He's the most precious thing in my life.

She says she thought it would clear her head & she could finally end it. Instead, she ended up telling him she'd go to his tonight... as in leaving me. He is getting impatient for an answer from her.

I have not read the others' responses to this, Saveus. I just want to express how outraged I am for you. And once again, lest you delude yourself at ANY time, my X did and said THE EXACT SAME THING: she told me she would end her affair, but needed to go to his place to do it. Desperate fool that I was, I permitted it. And lo and behold... She was gone for seven hours. Needless to say, she just couldn't bring herself to end it, the poor dear. And she told me that he too was "waiting for an answer."

Just think about that! Saveus. I sure as hell did, though it took a few more excruciating episodes like this one for me to stand up and walk away. The audacity! The cruelty! Please, Saveus. Enough is enough. It should have been the last straw for me, but it was not. I hope it is for you.

She clearly has made her decision. Now it's time to make yours. Stand strong.

20 years ago in a *no fault* state I divorced a remorseless WW who looked me in the eyes and declared *I married you for the child support*. My only concern at that point became my son. I fought for and won custody.

Just giving hope.

I agree with the other posts. Your wife already did her talking this morning when she met the OM at a pub. So there is nothing to talk to her about.

Her actions are her words, so DO NOT listen to her words, watch her actions and you will already know her words. By watching her actions, you will already know what she is saying without her even having to say a word.

I’m hoping you are resolved to get the advice you need if your WW chose to stay over with that tosspot. But whatever happened, unless your WW has had a road to Damascus moment, I don’t hold out much hope for your marriage. I know this is not what you want, but as you said, events are overtaking you. Now you must get several steps ahead of the game.

I’m so sorry saveus. Your WW has made the most stupid decision of her whole life. She is running away for the short term relief from her shame and is showing how incredibly weak and selfish she is at her core. I suspect she doesn’t want to face reality (or face up to what she has done) and would rather put forward the appearance of falling out of love with you (she’ll have “reasons”) and in love with this tosser (Mr Wonderful). You will become the focus of her anger at herself – so be ready for all sorts of shitty, unreasonable and unfathomable behaviour. It will start sooner than you think.

Get the best solicitor you can – it’s worth paying out for someone who can get the results you want. Keep track of all your costs. Ask what you should take with you for this first consultation and make sure you have it all together. Get the mortgage/rent and outgoing costs of the home, including gas, electric, water, council tax , phones, broadband, sky, car costs, travel to and from work costs, account fees, groceries, child care. List your savings and your debts. With regard to your son, put together a diary of how much of the care YOU do. Talk to other fathers who have BTDT.

Browse through allatsea’s posts. I hope you can get posts going back that far. He is a year ahead of you and has been in the place you are now. I think you will find it useful.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=492569&HL=38923

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=521799&HL=38923

If your WW goes ahead with this fantasy, if there is no turning back, be ready for the hurricane that is on its way. Protect yourself.

Hi saveus. Thinking about you today. When you feel up to it, let us know how you are doing.

yop

saveus,

Make sure you keep and gather any evidence of the affair and do not get rid of it(no matter what your WW says). I only could imagine what a good divorce attorney could do with it.

Hi everyone, I'm OK, still here, battling on...

There's been so much great advice here over the last 24 hours, you'll forgive me for not addressing all of you one by one, but give you a quick update instead.

We did talk last night, but minimally compared to recent times. I kept my cool, showed no emotion and took Bigger's advice literally - I told her (not for the first time) where the door was but that if she went to be with him she did so NOT AS MY WIFE.

She stayed.

That's not to say she didn't tell me she wanted to be with him but wanted to be with me too, that she couldn't walk out on us and our life, that she couldn't give him up. She also said the OM was 'ill' (what about MY health??, I demanded to know) and she couldn't be horrible to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah... WHATEVER.

Of course I calmly but firmly re-iterated that I was not prepared to share her with anybody else, that that was far worse than divorce, and that as far as I was concerned we are not in a marriage as she has evidently checked out. Hence why I have no intention of putting my ring back on any time soon.

As each half hour went, she was clock watching and saying, 'he's waiting for me'... I said very little but kept my message the same, 'then go be with him, but if you do you are no longer my wife'. I in no way stood in her way, or (worse) begged.

Eventually she text him (after one or two from him asking where she was) to say 'obviously I'm not coming'. He replied to say, 'it wasn't obvious'.

If this was a 'victory', it was very much a hollow one.

Today she is in denial mode again, refusing to deal with this at all. I know he's text her again. She says she hasn't replied. I have plans tonight (and tomorrow night, actually - very unlike me but quite deliberate) so she can sit here and stew - or spend the evening on the phone to him, I can't control her and am not going to let it ruin my time with friends.

She knows what I expect of her - nothing short of no contact, started with a brief and to-the-point text message. She wants to call him - I bet she does, after (by my reckoning) three 'attempts' so far to 'call it off' with him. I know by now what this really means.

She's torn, the poor love, between the two men in her life (cough). But I am not prepared to put up with this any longer, nor her excuses for ending the A, nor her compassion for the poor OM's current health/predicament.

I'm glad I'm out tonight.

She also said the OM was 'ill'

Yeah, like ill in the head.

Good job calmly standing your ground and laying out the terms.

She knows what I expect of her - nothing short of no contact, started with a brief and to-the-point text message. She wants to call him - I bet she does, after (by my reckoning) three 'attempts' so far to 'call it off' with him. I know by now what this really means.

You know the only way to enforce this is full transparency. You can't ever believe her when she says she did not reply to his texts. You have to think this way because you have to read actions from her. Don't let her gaslight you again. Expect actions from her and you.

Actions from her to work on the marriage. Actions from you to backup your intent to D if she doesn't.

[This message edited by Jduff at 8:34 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]

the only real difference between before and know (to her) is that YOU KNOW about the affair.

she is going to try to dither in the middle as long as possible, "not choosing" between you and him.

of course "not choosing" IS A CHOICE - its choosing him.

the hardest part is going to be getting her to realize this. you arent going to get her to this realization by being "nice". you will get her there by pushing her off the fence.

in sales its called the "take away". make her feel that her choice HAS cost her you, her lifestyle, her family, and everything else that she has been taking for granted.

affairs thrive on secrets and the thrill of the forbidden. they tend to quickly die under the glare of the light.

if the OM is married or has a girlfriend, tell them.

tell your family, tell her family that she is having an affair. ask for their assistance.

tell mutual friends and ask for their assistance.

normally, in the case of a remorseful wandering spouse id say think carefully about this step (telling people) but ... in the case of a spouse still in the fog ... do what it takes.

keep telling her you are sorry that she has made the choice to be with the other man and that her choice of "her secrets, her affairs, her lies, and her cheating" over you, your family, your child, your marriage, and your relationship has consequences. one of those consequences is losing her family, the marriage, the relationship, and the lifestyle she has become accustomed to.

ask her when she plans on moving out and if she wants help packing her trash. offer to pack it for her.

ask her when she wants to make an appointment to go see a lawyer together to discuss divorce.

each of these questions drives home how her choices have consequences. keep repeating that you it pains you that she choose "her secrets, her affairs, her lies, and her cheating" over you, your family, your child, your marriage, and your relationship".

dont ever paint yourself into a corner. leave room. a trip to the lawyers doesnt mean you sign right then and there to divorce. asking when she plans to move out doesnt force her to move out tonight. dont make timelines ... not yet. just keep pushing the unpleasant consequences in front of her.

be aware the other man "might" come by the house while you are out...

after all, they are in "love" and acceptable behavior or even intelligent behavior isnt to be expected from them.

saveus – she is still sitting on the fence eating her cake. Knock her off.

See a solicitor and get that groundwork done. Tomorrow or sooner.

Take away the secrecy side of the affair and expose it. Not to everyone, but to those who matter.

Since she is STILL in touch with OM, she clearly isn’t favouring the marriage. It’s really very simple. She dumps that tosser (ill?? Oh please…..), changes her phone number and gets a new email address. And she writes that NC letter.

She is waiting for you to soften up or to just leave her to get on with leading her two-man life in her own utterly selfish way. The fact that she (reluctantly) stayed home just means that she doesn’t want to lose her life as she likes it. She was acting out while enjoying the attention of two men who both want her.

She can’t be “horrible” to OM but is prepared to rip your heart out of your chest? There is never a nice way to end an affair, it’s never easy if the AP wants to hang on. Tell her that the KINDEST thing to end it is swiftly and without hesitation. That there is no chance for getting back together in the future – it’s OVER. You cannot let a lover down gently – it just allows for that to-ing and fro-ing and before you know it, it’s started up again but with more intensity than before.

The wanker has history doesn’t he? – he’ll get over it. She probably knows that but is clinging on to some notion that she is “special”. She’s not.

Saveus!

I'm so proud of the way you stood your ground and took Bigger's advice!!! Great job!! I can't imagine how tough it was for you to say it to her and to keep your cool but I'm glad you did! Glad that you are moving on with your life and beginning to force her to see the consequences of her choices!! Great Job!