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The OBS will be absolutely no help. She says trying to enforce NC with the OM is pointless because he will do it out of spite. OM has had FOUR affairs on OBS and she is still with him. I guess you can't fix stupid...

GFunk

So your wife has no idea you talked to ObS???

Is she out with OM now or home???

I think you should tell her what you did, and that your next stop is her job H R Department.

To her if he is on this business trip she will not be allowed back in house when she returns . You threw her out once. Do it again.

Get the lawyer to have the papers ready before that trip

And put the VAR in her car.

Force confrontation to let her know that you are done accepting what she is doing.

Tell her if she wants to continue fucking another man she will not do it living on your home

and mean it

Did OBS know about business trip

[This message edited by Badhurt at 9:55 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]

I usually agree with BH but I will differ in that I would go to HR and NOT tell her it will be a double whammy for the both of them.

Now I am not against telling her work but check with a lawyer if you will have to pay more if she loses the job.

Don't get me started it's bs but make sure.

I'm sorry. It's a shame she got to that point. That was what my mother did. The number one thing I think about regarding my mother (she has passed) is I wish she had loved herself more.

Ok so certainly an obstacle but not a road block. I was watching here because I figured you and your ws were having it out.

Did you tell her yet? Are you prepared to ask her to leave the house?

Tom 67 is right. Make it a surprise to both of them .

And check with lawyer first.

I still can't believe OBS is not even saying anything to OM.

OM has had FOUR affairs on OBS and she is still with him. I guess you can't fix stupid...

Please reconsider this. There are too many unknowns. What if she has been abused? Has nowhere else to go? Has been *trained* to accept this behavior. Look around at some of the sig lines. There are many here who have suffered multiple D-days, yet are still with their WS. Guess I'm saying have some sympathy.

That said, good job telling her. Next step, hand her the D papers. Ask your lawyer as to the benefits to notifying HR. There may be some unforeseen consequences.

Strength

Gfunk

If your wife does not respect herself then you must realize she will not respect you nor your marriage or family.

Cheaters are selfish.

Keep showing her consequences "tough love".

You exposed. That looks like a dead end.

Now work with an attorney and have her served.

Then expose to her family what is going on.

Last effort is exposing to their employer. This step takes careful consideration because it could change the alimony/child support payments if she lost her job.

Stay tough. STay firm.

HM

There's been an absolutely shocking turn of events. My WW called yesterday to inform me that not only had the OM gotten fired from the job where they both worked but that she discovered one of her friends/coworkers was also participating in an A with the OM. My WW said she is stopping the EMA with the OM and with him no longer working there it will be very difficult for them to even attempt to continue the A as OM lives 45 minutes away and as far as I can tell my wife no longer wants anything to do with him and finally sees he was only trying to get into her pants. What do I do now? I want to be supportive and compassionate, not vindictive or tell her "I told you so". She still does not currently have any deep emotional feelings for me so I'm beginning the long road of communicating with her effectively and courting her again but any advice you may have that could help lead me to R with my WW would be greatly appreciated.

Gfunk it's your life but I suggest you find someone who isn't broken.

I'm trying to remember did she move out?

gfunk for any chance you have to be strong.

Go dark on her for a while let HER wonder what the eff you are up to be a man of mystery.

New clothes hair cut and lift weights.

gfunk.

Stop thinking about your WW's needs or wants.

Think about what you need or want. Take care of yourself.

Your wife has checked out of your marriage. You do not deserve this disrespect. Don't be her plan B, since the OM got outted.

I'm going to assume you found love and lost it once before already, only to find it again.

You can do it again.

Stay strong brother. Get some new shoes. New outfits. New haircut. Grow a nicely trimmed beard. If you have facial hair, shave.

Have a fresh outlook at life, without a cheating, lying slut wife.

[This message edited by UneasyFeelings at 10:46 PM, September 11th (Thursday)]

ok let me get this straight:

My WW said she is stopping the EMA with the OM and with him no longer working there it will be very difficult for them to even attempt to continue the A as OM lives 45 minutes away and as far as I can tell my wife no longer wants anything to do with him and finally sees he was only trying to get into her pants.

So because it is too hard to drive 45 mins or that he only wanted sex... she can now go back to plan B... you. (scratching my head)

Really? "hunny great news, my fuck buddy got fired and now it will be much more difficult to be with him and he only really wanted sex. so you want me back hunny?"

What do I do now? I want to be supportive and compassionate, not vindictive or tell her "I told you so"

You wont be telling her anything.. you are plan B... until you change that... it wont matter.

It is your life... all the best.

[This message edited by atreides at 11:02 PM, September 11th (Thursday)]

Eh...

Get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" like yesterday.

[This message edited by Tom67 at 12:50 AM, September 12th (Friday)]

I'm beginning the long road of communicating with her effectively and courting her again

We BS's always fuck this up. We think that if we do the right things, act belevolently towards our WS's, then they'll see the light and come back to us.

Now, I don't really understand why this doesn't work, but the fact is IT DOESN'T WORK. IT NEVER WORKS.

If you want to be sure your M fails and your WS continues to treat you with contempt and you continue to feel the pain and misery, then by all means try to communicate with her and court her.

The fact is, she's in the wilderness. She's broken. She needs to think about what she wants. And you jumping up and down and waving your arms around and trying to be a good guy won't get her to turn towards you. She'll turn away.

The ONLY way she MIGHT come to you is if she sees what her would looks like without you. That means you MUST turn away, 180, until she is ready to work on R harder than anything she's ever worked on before.

The alternative is indefinite misery and you won't save your M anyway.

Look, I know it seems strange, and hard, and strident. But we've all been there. We've seen this movie before and we don't want anyone else to have to live through it.

[This message edited by mhca at 1:01 AM, September 12th (Friday)]

Your wife has checked out of your marriage. You do not deserve this disrespect. Don't be her plan B, since the OM got outted.

^^^^^ Absolutely! Now is NOT the time to "court her." What she is telling you is that the only reason she is not continuing the affair in your face is that there is physical distance between them (and remember, where there's a will there's a way) and other nonsense.

Conspicuously absent is any indication from your wife that she is not cheating on you because she is deeply empathetic and remorseful that she has caused you deep traumatic abusive pain with her selfish actions.

As the others say, you are still last on her list. I'm so sorry. I take a harsh, tough, blunt view, as I also tried to nice my XW back. Thus I recommend you leave her. Period.

Gfunk: While your concern for OMs marriage is touching, but it does nothing to fix your problems.

And that your wife can't be inconvenienced with a 45 min drive when she wants to have sex, and that she refused to share her affair partner with anybody else, is in shape or form a triumph, victory or even solution for you.

How many times did you "firmly but lovingly" but your foot down... Two? Or three?

And yet, the affair didn't stop because she wanted to save your marriage, it stopped because your wife didn't want to share her AP.

Let that sink in for a minute:

Your wife. Didn't. Want to share. Her lover.

It a apparently had nothing to do with you. You "changing into the man she wants" will accomplish nothing. Unless you can change into AP and stay faithful to her, that is. She apparently is not interested in neither you or your love.

I hate to be so blunt, but very little of what others have written have seemed to getting through to you, and you keep acting as if you can somehow file a few edges and flick a couple of switches and presto, you will be your wife's one and only love. Now if only you could figure out what exact combination of niceties and minor changes will make her love you, like you her...

Sorry, the problem lies elsewhere.

I can tell my wife no longer wants anything to do with him and finally sees he was only trying to get into her pants

What do you mean as far as you can tell. You need to stop trying to read her mind.

So, did you ask your wife what she plans on doing now?

I hope you are not even considering picking up the marriage as if nothing has happened.

Does your wife even see what she did as wrong. She called your for sympathy that the OM is either not going to be there every day and or that he was using her. Too bad she can't see that she has been using you.

Your wife does not have a clue that what she did was wrong. Which usually means, the next guy at work that smiles at her, she will be going out for a drink with.

If it were me, I might not even believe any of this. Maybe your wife is telling you this stuff so you can me misled once again.

Call work and ask for the guy.

What is your next step with all of this?

Gfunk, hope all is well and that you WS understands what they did. How long has the EA been going for?

The OM seems to be a habitual cheater and has no respect not just for women, but for themselves and will say anything to stay off the radar to get what they want. It makes me wonder how many other A the OM has had that are unknown.

What happened to the other friend of your WS? This is just a horrible situation for everyone involved.

 I'm beginning the long road of communicating with her effectively and courting her again but any advice you may have that could help lead me to R with my WW would be greatly appreciated.

Yes, my advice is don't court her. I get that you want to own your mistakes in the M. However, the decision to cheat was entirely hers. She is not choosing you. She was rejected by OM and even that did not bring her to her senses. It just left her without OM as an option.

At this point she hasn't really treated you like plan B. Just like a candidate for plan b. You're worth more than that. You always were.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 10:26 PM, September 14th, 2014 (Sunday)]

Do the 180 on her and let her come to you otherwise move on and start dating.

Brandon is right forget plan b.