SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think you are doing great. It seems to me that you have weathered the initial storm and for now your wife appears to be a safe partner. You're in for a long haul as I am sure you know and nothing is certain. You might want to start reading and maybe posting on the Reconciliation forum. There is good stuff there.

WS is still in contact with some of the individual members and has let me see their communications.

This would be a massive no-no for me. All these people (presumably) have also had 'first love' affairs or romances or at least romanticise the concept. They also all knew of your wife's affair and did not inform you. This is a very unhealthy group for your wife to still be corresponding with. Given the way they met, I'm surprised that she kept the correspondence up. These women are not friends of your marriage and as such should be jettisoned immediately. I would go so far as to make no contact with any of these people a condition for you contemplating R.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 11:19 AM, February 13th (Tuesday)]

You are taking a very sound and reasoned approach. All you have done together in life does not get negated by her A. But I will say the attack on faithfulness the A had on your M probably has the same weight as all the events you mentioned above.

From one bourbon man to another, the one thing you didn’t mention this time was the work she’s doing to fix herself and help you to heal. As long as that doesn’t stop from exhaustion or boredom or something else I say keep moving forward with it.

I can’t remember if you are both in IC yet. How is that going?

Strength to you...

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:23 AM, February 13th (Tuesday)]

I would go so far as to make no contact with any of these people a condition for you contemplating R.

Good idea here from sinsofthefather. She has nothing in common with these women other than all of them pining for their tragic lost loves. Surely she would be agreeable to dropping all contact with them, blocking them all on FB, blocking emails, phone, etc.?

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:26 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

How about an email/message to these friends where she explains her remorse for the A and how she was wrong to throw so much energy and time into missing the OM and instead she should have spent that energy on you and your marriage? I think it would be tough for me to have my W continue to talk to the people that she bonded with over her sadness for the lost love of the OM. I'd at least want them to know that she doesn't feel that way any longer.

I hope you have read the threads by Walloped and Mrs. Walloped. What I admire about them is the total honesty of their R. Mrs. Walloped said outright that her husband wouldn’t have considered R if they didn’t have kids.

What I want for you is the same. To have your eyes wide open and do what is best for you. This is the way I would look at her affair: It’s like your best friend and business partner of 30 years embezzled.

She brings skills to the table that greatly benefit the business. Are you better off with her or without her? What kind of security should you put in place and is it worth it.

[This message edited by Michigan at 3:39 PM, February 13th (Tuesday)]

We have been best friends in addition to H and W.

MyNameIsNobody

IMO your wife has you in the friend and family file. If you needed a kidney she might give you one but you didn’t turn her on.

Hypothesis One: I am reasonably confident that WS' A with her high school boyfriend was her first and only infidelity.

MyNameIsNobody

I agree.

Hypothesis Two: I accept that WS regrets that the A ever happened and is deeply sorry for the hurt she has caused me.

MyNameIsNobody

I agree but both occurred because she was caught. Before she was caught she had fond memories of the affair (documented) and you weren’t hurt.

Hypothesis Three: If OM popped up tomorrow and tried to restart the A, WS would reject him outright.

MyNameIsNobody

I agree. First the OM rejected her for another women causing hard feelings. Plus now she knows what it’s like to be caught and risk everything. She would 100% lose you if caught again. If that's not enough the OM isn’t very good marriage material. (see below)

He (OM) called her twice. Once when he was fired from his job and once when he was pulled over driving with no insurance and a suspended licence.

MyNameIsNobody

[This message edited by Michigan at 4:05 PM, February 13th (Tuesday)]

Is it possible that she did not end contact with one or both of these parties until after the disturbed woman from the Social Networking group contacted you in September of last year?

I am not sure who you mean by "both of these parties". I believe there was no contact with OM for a couple of years prior to the September email. I know there has been contact with women from the FB group.

MNIM,

Sorry that I was not clear with the above question. By "both parties" I meant the OM and the Social Networking group.

I wish you the best, regardless of your ultimate decision regarding R or D.

I think your view of the friends from the forum is a good one. It really shows that you are in a good state of mind to make sound decisions not based on emotion.

You're doing as well as you possible could be at this point.

Not all of them were married while posting love lorn forum.

That means that some of them were. Did they have affairs too - or were they just pining and posting publicly behind their husbands backs? Whatever they did, do their husbands now know about the activity? Or are the secrets still ongoing for those members of the group?

She has offered to cut off contact with these people if I ask her to.

If you ask her to. Preferably this would not have had to be a request imo. I would have hoped that the association now felt toxic to your wife for her own part, because whatever this has now morphed into, it started out as a 'secret group' that you were kept ignorant of - and if not kept ignorant of the existence of the group, you most certainly were purposefully kept in the dark about it's origin; and everyone in that group was OK with that. That is not a healthy group to be part of.

However as seems it does have to be by request that your wife drops these people, then my honest advice to you is; make the request. Take that as you will, but I mean that most sincerely and with your best interests at heart.

For the best chance of R going forward, your wife needs to distance herself from anything 'around' that affair that may become a trigger for you going forward. These people bonded over their shared experiences of pining for lost loves - if not full blown affairs. This is not a healthy grouping, no matter what they talk about now, your wife's affair is what brought her to bond with these people, and that will never change.

Are these friends going to stay 'separate' from you? Is that wise or healthy to have separate friends when you're (potentially) trying to R a marriage? And how would you feel interacting with them if you do that 'inclusive' route instead?

What if the friendships persist, and an occasion warranted you meeting their husbands, (if the husbands of the wives who either had affairs or publicly pined for other men still don't know of those things) wouldn't that put you in an awkward position?

Please, MNIN for your own sake, I urge you to think carefully about this. R is hard enough as it is - if that is the route you choose to go - without hanging onto potential triggers and unnecessary external baggage.

MNIN,

You are doing great. Please continue to look after your health and healing. It will be a very hard journey regardless of your decision(s) with respect to the marriage.

However, if I may, I think you need to re-examine your third hypothesis. I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I have dealt with a lot of trauma. Rejection, especially the kind your wife experienced with the OM, rewires the mental pathways. And not in a good way.

She may claim she doesn't want him and only wants you, but I can assure you, part of her wants nothing more than OM to come back to her. Some part of her is a rejected little girl looking for this scOM to heal her broken heart.

I understand that is tough to hear, but it is something you need to accept. Unless she has developed healthy boundaries and undergone significant counseling to rewire her thinking processes, she is VERY vulnerable to him should he decide to go fishing for her.

By the way, this type of rejection is what screws up a lot of BSs. When we (BS) should be distancing ourselves from someone (WS) who has done something as traumatic and cruel, we often run to them (the "pick me dance" I believe it is called.) It is a very natural response to rejection. And face it, adultery is about as big a rejection as you can execute.

Good luck and strength to you.