SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I really feel like finding this guy and punching the hell out of him.

I feel the same way for you.

I did it 30 years ago. Except it was 5 of my best friends.

Take the anger and use it to get rid of her and move the divorce forward.

Be the best coparent you can be.

And never be her friend unless she somehow earns it in your own mind.

It is a horrible feeling being discarded Generic.

Read AllatSea's threads. Read up on Abbondads thread. Or Biggers or Strongers.....

We have all been in your shoes and can say that it does get better. Your kids will adjust.

You will get stronger and recover.

And most likely meet someone that blows away your wife in every category.

Just do yourself a favor.

Trade up my man!

HM

Lying awake at 2am. She's not back from his. Shouldn't be a problem, I've know situation, but it is

Shouldn't be a problem, I've know situation, but it is

Knowing doesn't block you from the pain of it though. We hear you. We really know what you're going through. It will get better. Focus on yourself. Detach as much as you can. It will take practice but you can do it.

Generic,

came across your thread and I must say that you have been getting some really really really great advice here from what I would consider an ALL STAR TEAM of supporters!! I highly highly recommend you read and listen brother! These same people have helped me in my situation and I owe them so much in being where I'm at, in this stage of my situation.

As someone who has been going through a nightmare type situation as well, you MUST 180 for your own good. As many put it, you are now on the roller coaster and its gonna be a bumpy ride! Highs and lows, but the sooner you can get control the better. Many have told you to detach, and thats A MUST!! For your own good, you must detach and 180. It helps you get to a place where you can step back and make better decisions brother. YOU MUST GAIN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION, you will notice your WW will do little things, try to be nice as in lets work on this agreement and so on, using the nice to be in control, but do not fall for that!

Detach, 180 and keep strong. Put your foot down, draw the line as you been told and follow the plan!

Make sure you rest, stay hydrated, eat, dont let yourself get hungry, Cry , listen to music, then cry some more!

Focus on you and your kids.

Stay strong and as positive as you can!

I know there has been great advice, I'm not ignoring it. I've found 180 hard and fall off the wagon often.

I suppose I always thought my wife and marriage were perfect so detaching and doing 180 had been very hard. I can of course now see she's not perfect but changing literally everything about my life just takes more than 2 weeks to adjust. Don't think I'm ignoring you guys

You now know your wife isn't perfect. She goes out to see another man over your head. If that isn't motivation then nothing is.

Very gently..stop feeling sorry for yourself and powerless. You aren't powerless, the key is being in control, that is what the 180 is for. Nothing you can do about her, she 180'd you, her world she's in control. As you have seen all the reasoning, guilt tripping in the world won't turn her ship. So you get off it.

Your own ship, your own rules, your own club. She's not allowed in.

Are you sleeping in the same bed? Then move her out. Also document when she leaves and for how long. You have a special needs kid is that right? Think about the impact her actions might have on the welfare of the kids?

Time to step up, gather evidence and prepare to fight, not just for yourself but your kids.

Lying awake at 2am. She's not back from his.

This is as rude and crude as it gets. She is showing you complete and total disrespect. No human should be subject to such disgusting treatment and disrespect.

If anyone else on this planet treated you with such total disrespect, how would you treat them?

Generic,

Believe me we know its hard! The person you were suppose to love and protect is now your enemy! Just like that at an instant! Its unbelievable, I know, I say it all the time! but at this time, that is exactly the case! SHE IS THE ENEMY!

I understand the 180 is hard, especially being under the same roof and due to your special needs child, but for your own sake, its a must! She has had more time than you to detach, so we understand you just cant cut her off in a matter of 2 weeks, but believe me brother, im riding the wave now with you, DETACH!! Do what you can to do this as best as you can. Even when you detach and 180, it will still hurt and the hole will be in your chest brother, but you will be MORE STRONG and IN CONTROL! The goal is to get in control of you and your situation. Its to soon to really think you have to make any major decisions, as you have been told, things can always change. Look how drastic things have changed in a matter of days for you brother!

You will need to give that TIME but in the meantime you need to get yourself mentally straight and strong brother! 180 and DETACH! If you fall off, jump right back on!

We know you are not ignoring man, and we know what you are feeling and going through! I'm there now man!

Its to soon to really think you have to make any major decisions, as you have been told, things can always change. Look how drastic things have changed in a matter of days for you brother!

^^^^Wanted to clarify this part, Keep doing as you have been told and are doing! That's all part of the game you are now playing. Just make sure to put most of your focus on YOU and your kids!!

It sounds like your STBX isn't mature enough to understand what true love and a loving relationship is. It sounds like she is one of those people who equate love with the high of the hormones during the infatuation stage of a relationship.

She doesn't get it. And she is doomed to repeat her actions in the future.

She will never be happy in a relationship until she figures herself out.

k9

She doesn't get it. And she is doomed to repeat her actions in the future.

She will never be happy in a relationship until she figures herself out.

I completely agree with this. The things your wife said about love and feelings shows she doesn't understand a lot about love, life and growing older or becoming mature.

There are some people that are addicted to falling in love and she will get tired of her current relationship and do it all over again. If the OM doesn't do it first.

I agree she has no clue. We had a fantastic relationship which she has discarded and convinced herself was loveless as she thinks these current feelings are love. She might realise in time and suffer.

My current worry is alcohol. I've spoken to her about it but she denies her level of drinking. I challenged her on it last night as there was a half bottle in fridge and she went and bought 2 more bottles. When I came home the half and one full were missing and the last was there but opened. She was drunk and claimed she poured the half away. She then said she opened one of the new ones and had 1 glass then poured it away to stop herself drinking it, but then opened the last bottle out of habit. Now the open bottle in fridge only had half out of it. Not enough to get her that drunk. The pour away story is a lie. But also, she didn't realise I.was paying attention to what she had bought and she has hidden the empty bottles. Can't find them anywhere.

She is adamant she would not drink if just her and boys in house but I've caught her hiding how much she drinks a number of times. If something happened in the night and my boys needed her, she'd be useless.

I'm not sure how to prove someone is hiding their drinking. I will ask lawyer but I dread that its one of these things that require an incident to provoke action

[This message edited by generic at 11:10 PM, December 6th (Saturday)]

She was drunk and claimed she poured the half away. She then said she opened one of the new ones and had 1 glass then poured it away to stop herself drinking it, but then opened the last bottle out of habit. Now the open bottle in fridge only had half out of it. Not enough to get her that drunk. The pour away story is a lie. But also, she didn't realise I.was paying attention to what she had bought and she has hidden the empty bottles. Can't find them anywhere.

Man, I have heard these lies before from my alcoholic husband..and that's what they are lies--big fat lies. She poured those drinks out...down her throat. As for hidden bottles, if you or she have any jackets with elastic cuffs, check the sleeves. My husband had bottles of vodka in the sleeves of his coats. They are hanging in plain sight and you never notice.

If she is passed out drunk while the kids are home I would video tape that. It is hard to prove a person is an alcoholic. The court will not take your word for it. My husband has had two DUIs so there is no question that he has a drinking problem. I went to a divorce lawyer prior to his second DUI not because of infidelity but because I was terrified that he would drink, drive and kill somebody and we would be sued and lose everything. Luckily his second arrest didn't involve any injuries.

[This message edited by DMS88 at 11:24 PM, December 6th (Saturday)]

I've also found bottles in the bin a few days ago wrapped in kitchen roll (paper) to hide them.

So unless she passes out, nothing I can do for evidence? Also we still live in same house, trying to find her a rental. Once she moves she is on path to having my boys 4 nights a week. At that stage I won't be there to see her pass out.

She doesn't always pass out downstairs, often gets to bed first. When confronting her last night she said it's because she's here. Doesn't need to with OM, pretty much saying I'm making her do it which is total bullshit. We had a happy marriage and she's determined to convince me and herself that we didn't

I've been reading alcoholic forums tonight,b sounds like she does have dependence but as far as I know she hasn't hit vodka yet. Apparently only hitting rock bottom can make them get help. It's separating may be a step in that direction but she doesn't realise that yet. We had such a strong relationship before all this, I wonder how big a role alcohol has played. It doesn't change the outcome but may be a possible explanation

[This message edited by generic at 12:09 AM, December 7th (Sunday)]

It's great that you're going to see your lawyer about this.

I strongly recommend you document her drinking, behaviour,..., every single day! Take pictures of the fridge and the bottles every day, and the bottles in the trash. Document, document, document. Together it will add up to show that she's been drinking. After she moves out and things start to get ugly, you can hire a PI to follow her and record her drinking etc. Also ask the court for (ir)regular sobriety tests/blood tests.

Best wishes

Try and establish what time of day she starts drinking. Does she use mints to disguise it on her breath? Does she carry bottles of 'water' in her handbag that could be hiding spirits like vodka?

Etc. etc.

When you are over the legal age to drink and you wrap empty bottles in paper towels to put them in your own trash....you have a huge problem. I am a recovering alcoholic, I did that and hid alcohol everywhere. She needs help and fast! I'm not saying it's your responsibility, I'm just saying she is in a bad way.

You say none of this happened before the OM. I would be willing to bet money the OM drinks and could possibly be an alcoholic.

I saw this firsthand, and my wife never drank except when at home with me. Until she met the alcoholic OM and started coming home smelling of alcohol.

Then the dui, then I finally caught her and found out the OM is an alcoholic.

Many times the WW will practically turn into the OM and mimic their problems. Since alcohol is somewhat addictive, she is stuck drinking her problems away.

I strongly recommend you document her drinking, behaviour,..., every single day! Take pictures of the fridge and the bottles every day, and the bottles in the trash. Document, document, document. Together it will add up to show that she's been drinking. After she moves out and things start to get ugly, you can hire a PI to follow her and record her drinking etc. Also ask the court for (ir)regular sobriety tests/blood tests.

^^^^ Not sure how your laws are there, but what hobbes said is what I did and am currently doing. In order for my WW to have kids at this time, she has to be doing random tests. Also have a PI on her ass. So with all my WW bs about how I was to controlling, now she is happy, she is free, this is what she wanted.....well guess what NOW IM REALLY CONTROLLING SHIT!! IT SUCKS, IT HURTS, BUT ITS REAL. Today is 4 months since DDAy for me brother. Take it step by step, no need to rush! You know your wife better than anyone, so set the gameplan you feel you will need.

You have to Stay 180 and detach detach detach! Easier said then done, but a must! Remember you got TIME on your side, and this is for your own good. Again, its about you regaining control of you and the situation! Focus on you and the kids, document everything. Time and days. Record videos and pictures. I cried when I did this brother, but basically you have to build a case against your wife! IT WILL HURT, but guess what she is already building hers against you!

It sucks man, sucks that we all have to be here, but your in the right place! Im in a good place now, in control of my roller coaster and I owe that to a lot of the people here, and to the same people giving you advice generic.

you got an All star team on your side. Keep posting! Stay strong man.