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After we decided to R I told my H (and mc) that I didn't want any of us to refer to her by name.

I don't call her bad names but I refuse to grant her the dignity of referring to her by name.

To me she is nothing.

I have a number of friends who have the same name as her and that used to make me trigger but not anymore.

She is nothing, she is nameless.

My BH really gave me a hard time for not referring to either xMM by name. He said I was dehumanizing them and that in doing so, I was distancing myself from what I'd done. Honestly, I'd become physically ill saying or typing the names, but he was right. Avoiding the hard truths of my actions didn't help anyone heal or move on.

I don't think my BF has ever called xOM by his name. I used to call him by his name when we were talking about the A, but if he brought him up, he would call him "your friend." Sometimes I wouldn't even know who he was referring to and I would give him a funny look and he would add, "your little friend from work" or "your work buddy" or something.

Now we rarely ever talk about him at all which is a good thing, he is in the past. But i used to wonder if maybe BF didn't know how to talk about it or was hoping it could be swept under the rug... so in my opinion, it seems healthy and good to call the OP by name, at least at a certain point or for a certain amount of time. I agree with your wife that that makes the OP a real person, the A a real event, your actions real and hurtful, and doesn't keep her a dirty "little secret" any more. (At least this is what I took your comments as meaning that your wife meant, and I think all of these reasons may be why you feel uncomfortable hearing OW's name). In my opinion it's good for your wife to call her whatever she wants, and it's good for you to expose the pain/discomfort so you can work on those areas.

Good luck.

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[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:56 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

I refuse to grant her the dignity of referring to her by name.

To me she is nothing.

We refer to them as # 1 or #2 neither deserve better than that.

my BH never refers to xOM by name. he refers to him by his area code, 314, mainly. every once and a while he will call him "your boy" but the majority of the time, it's 314. in the beginning, he would call him Nelly, cuz he's from St. Louis and so is Nelly. we rarely talk about xOM anymore, which is good, at least i think it is. not sure if BH will ever refer to him by name - i doubt it - and fine by me :)

[This message edited by MissesJai at 10:53 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

We do not use her name. When we need to refer to her, we both call her MOW.

We do not use her name because WHO the OW was is irrelvant. We focus on WHAT my H did, not WHO he did it with.

I am not a WS but I can sympathize. I have a friend with same name as MOW. Whenever I say my friend's name, my H looks as if he could vomit.

Just take your wife's cue and do what works best for her. You will eventually get used to it and one day there will be no need to mention her again.

BH very rarely ever mentions the xOP or his name. He will usually say something if we're fighting and then he just calls him "my boyfriend."

We are 14 months out and at this point I cannot utter that name. Just.can't. do.it. I usually say "that person."

Funny, I was just recently thinking of asking H a question actually using her name instead of using "It" or "She" which is how I referred to her for a very long time.

Although I rarely think about her any more.

BS here. Hope it's okay to chime in. My time-frame is similar to yours. We are just a bit a year from d-day. Early on I always referred to her in some negative/derogatory term. However, lately, I've started using her name. As the distance from d-day has grown if I don't use her name, it's almost like he doesn't always immediately get who I'm referring to. Used to be if I'd trigger on something I could just say, "reminds me of her" or whatever, now the name makes things less confusing. Also, I completely get the 'power' thing your wife explained. OW is a 'title'...not a good one, but still a reminder that at some point there was an 'other'...not always a good thing to dwell on. Just my 2 cents.

BS here. I refer to them as their names (two OW). They are real people and I want no doubt that they helped cause the pain. Plus, I won't honor them with my anger.

Funny to see Tex Circe's post. OW #2 (funny, found out recently she was really OW#1 but didn't realize the LTA was sooooooo long). She was H.S. gf NEVER mentioned. And if the kids and I joked about her (before I knew about EA) H would clam up. And to think I never suspected her! Mama always said "Beware of the quiet ones!"

It depends on the day and the discussion. WH started referring to her as Ohio, and I frequently follow suit. Unfortunately, she shares a name with one of my very respected co-workers, as well as one of my granddaughters. Makes avoiding her name a little difficult.

I didn't think about it making him uncomfortable when I talk about co-worker or GDD. Hmm. Well, can't be helped.

Now that I think about it, calling her Ohio, or OW is sort of like giving her a title, even if derogatory.

I'm glad I saw this thread. I think I will now remove her 'title' from my sign-off...

I have always called the OW by name...she is a real person. She never called me by name...I was always "your wife" or the "f***ing b****". When I mentioned that to my WS he was surprised and it opened his eyes as to how I felt like a "thing", not a human being.