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Well, speaking as only myself as a BS, there is nothing in my life that has hurt anywhere near this much and that includes my mother dying unexpectedly.

The thing I figured out is that death is terrible but it's a discrete event and then it's over. You can grieve and miss the person but they are gone so you tend to heal.

With an affair, it's like the WS died; the person you knew isn't there anymore. But their body is there, and it keeps moving around, and it keeps talking to you. It's naked in the shower and it feeds your kids breakfast. It's like death over and over and over.

Three weeks ago, I went to the emergency room with what seemed to be apendicitis. after about 6 hours of waiting, the surgeon told me he thought it was appendicitis also, and after a quick 45 minute surgery, I would be fine. 4 hours later, I woke up in the most pain I have ever been in. For two days, I was getting 8 mgs of morphine an hour and still in unbelievable pain. It turns out they had to remove 18" of my large intestine and my appendix was fine. After seven days in the hospital, they let me go home. For another week, I ate nothing but yogurt and jello. Now, three weeks later, I am able to get through the day without taking 6-10 vicoden and walk for more than five minutes at a time.

I was laying on the couch watching tv with my wife the other night, and got really overwhelmed by all the emotions that have been surging through me lately.

As the tears rolled down my cheeks,my wife asked what was wrong. I told her that I would rather go through that surgery once a month for the rest of my life than feel the pain of her infidelity.

That's how much this BS Hurts..

Thank you for posting this!

[This message edited by inabadway at 4:34 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]

Thank you Hufi... I sent this to my FWH. He just called me after reading it and he was in tears.

Satcom66 you have spoken well. Almost 4 years ago I found our 14 year old son strangled to death in his closet. The pain of his death is rivaled only by --- maybe even surpassed-- the pain of my H's infidelities. Infidelity is such a horrific thing.

Thank you, Hufi,

I know from the pain I now feel myself how great the pain my BS has suffered because of me. I can not imagine how the writers of these two letters could find the words or the ability to share such deep personal and painful feelings.

Well, speaking as only myself as a BS, there is nothing in my life that has hurt anywhere near this much and that includes my mother dying unexpectedly.

The thing I figured out is that death is terrible but it's a discrete event and then it's over. You can grieve and miss the person but they are gone so you tend to heal.

With an affair, it's like the WS died; the person you knew isn't there anymore. But their body is there, and it keeps moving around, and it keeps talking to you. It's naked in the shower and it feeds your kids breakfast. It's like death over and over and over.

The interaction with the OM has modified your wifes mentality.

This post should be fed with every letter/post/vent well written from hurting BSs in SI.

I've read other posts like this on SI, in JFO, General, Reconciliation, Divorce… but I did not saved the link. Thanks HU-FI.

wolfxsol I wish someone would do a WS letter, so I could understand that side better.

I wish I’d be that guy, but I cant. Anyway I’ll never forget.

I needed to read this today to remind myself of his pain. Lately I've been seeing so much more of his anger and it has been making me feel weak. I needed to read this to remember that the anger is because of the pain that "I" have brought down on him

When I sense my FWH cringing under the pressure of my anger/hurt/pain I gently remind him that he booked us on this cruise... When the waters get choppy, I don't need him to pull the covers over his head. I need him to help me thru.

[This message edited by Flatlined at 12:44 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

I posted this to a thread in General. But think may be the same words work here to.

I believe many BS try (in vain) to express what the pain is for a couple of reasons.

We want to some how express the magnitude of what we feel to our WS in hopes of our WS finding some empathy. This rarely works. The WS either sees the pain in the eyes of they BS and knows it. Or they do not. Some. May be most. WS lack the ability to feel empathy. And perhaps from that void in they self came the willingness to choose to have the A. I believe the WS that post here are the exception to the rule. Sadly.

We also want to express our pain as a way to counter the popular image in the media that it is really not all that bad and that it is some how our fault any way. How many times have we seen the media make light of infidelity with jokes. *O - O.. WS is in TROUBLE NOW.... (he he he)* As if the WS was caught stealing cookies. No where in the media is the pain of the BS portrayed in a meaningful and realistic way. Sadly those of us who suffer for years and years are seen as some how lacking in the ability to *put it in the past* and *move beyond it*. The psychological damage is profound and very long lasting. The BS is altered by it beyond the imaginings of most. None of this is ever spoken of in the media. And when we suffer we are blamed for our own suffering.

Razor

..there is simply no pain like this pain..

unless....it's x2..

for 40 years..

smy

I was talking to my FWH about this yesterday.

There are words in every language that carry some sort of universally-shared experience -- happiness, pain, depression, fear, etc. When using them in conversation with someone else, the other person can most likely immediately relate. If I talk about how much it hurt when I had surgery, even though the other person may not have had surgery before, and even though they may not have experienced the kind of pain post-op, they understand. And it helps the conversation flow, because you know they know what you mean.

There is not a word that describes the emotional, physical, burning pain that comes from betrayal. Even though I just used all of those qualifiers, I didn't get it right. I can say this exact sentence to my FWH:

The pain is like I have swallowed a hot, burning softball that is just sitting there -- and the pressure makes my heart pound in my chest like I swear it's going to jump out of my body and spring across the room -- and the pressure moves from my chest to my head, making my vision blur -- and I ultimately feel like vomiting.

Yea, pretty descriptive. All those words. And they mean absolutely nothing, because they don't accurately describe what it happening.

UNLESS...

I am talking to a fellow BS.

That's why this site is so important. It is the only place where we can say the word "pain," and 100s of other people know exactly what we mean...without all of the analogies and the adjectives.

There isn't a word in any language that defines this kind of pain. All of the existing words fall so, so short of what is truly happening inside.

I posted this on Nov. 24th 2009 which means that LoveFantasy and I have spend 6 months into the journey of Reconciliation from the time of that posting.

As some of you know, I work overseas and since the affair, we have taken to Skyping with each other on a daily basis if possible so we get some long distance face to face time in our R. It has not been easy and it has not been a smooth ride but it’s slowly moving forward, some days ahead, and regretfully some days backwards it seems.

Our D-day is coming up and today, it all came crashing in again. The pain. The hurt. The anger. The disappointment. The anguish of finding your world shattered.

Those are not my words. Those were my wife’s words to me this morning as we Skyped.

One year into the healing process, one year of NC, one year of digging deep and trying to cope and it all fell apart in one hour this morning.

Every fear that she has. Every raw emotion that she had from the past came back again. And all I can do is shake my head in mute agreement and try to reassure her that I will not fail again. I tried to tell her that I am not the same idiot as before. That I have grown. That I can help her grow strong once again. That I will never break her heart.

I tried to be full of “reassuring honesty’ and I tried very hard to not use the word “but” in any of my statements. I really did. But I think I failed.

I think today, my wife is feeling every fear, every hurt, everything as strong as or stronger than she did when she found out that I was having an affair.

And so, today, I’m going to read this and remind myself of what she feels and how deeply I have hurt her and commit myself to making things right again.

HUFI

LoveFantasy – I hope I was successful at reassuring you that I will never break your heart again and that you are the sole and only focus in my life. If I didn’t accomplish that, then I promise to work harder at showing you my commitment to you and our marriage. I love you.

Solid bump, HUFI. I hadn't seen this one.

Your affair hurts us as if you had hit us with a bus and hurts more because we know you saw us and didn't stop. Carrying the affair on, lack of remorse are like reversing and hitting us again and dragging us under because you just don't care enough to stop.

It hurts and it hurts bad because we both know that you are doing it, you can hear us screaming and even then you didn't stop.

This, and the list of "what we need" really hit home, especially this one:

We need to be what you truly want, not just a fall back option

As GeauxTigers quoted HUFI, this really hits the nail on the head:

Your affair hurts us as if you had hit us with a bus and hurts more because we know you saw us and didn't stop. Carrying the affair on, lack of remorse are like reversing and hitting us again and dragging us under because you just don't care enough to stop.

It hurts and it hurts bad because we both know that you are doing it, you can hear us screaming and even then you didn't stop.

edited typo

[This message edited by Missing Person at 1:06 PM, May 19th (Wednesday)]

100X thank you. My WH keeps saying "i understand" and "i know you are hurting." He doesn't know or understand. This is one of the reasons why I visit SI daily. I need someone to know/understand. These letter's could have come from MY heart. Thanks for sharing.

PS I think I will write my own letter for my journal.

[This message edited by gaslit at 5:30 PM, May 20th (Thursday)]

just another thank you for posting these amazingly accurate words (and for all those who replied with more insight) It really helped me over the hump of needing a good cry...now that it's out, I think I might be able to sleep some tonight.

Thank you all for being on this site and a helpful member of this awful journey i am on...

As a BS, there is nothing in my life that has hurt as this has hurt and I that includes loosing a child. I grieved my son's death and I thought i would never survive that, but I did survive.... My H's affairs devastated me in such a way that I couldn't survive unless I made it go away... Make it not happened... make it go away in my mind... the only way I could survive was by living in denial. I suppressed it so deep inside myself and pretended it really didn't happen for years .. The consequences of brushing it under the rug was far more damaging than death... because the naive girl he married died... she was no more!

There really are no words to describe pain like this pain without talking about dying! It's a slow torturous death. It hurts so bad because you know he made the choice to kill a part of you... it was no accidental death, it was an intentional death.... then he continues to torture over and over by trickle truth all the while seeing your pain... The H I knew died, he is gone... but I can still see him.

'Rasor' has put the words in order where I couldn't find the words to describe what I feel:

"We want to some how express the magnitude of what we feel to our WS in hopes of our WS finding some empathy. This rarely works. The WS either sees the pain in the eyes of they BS and knows it. Or they do not. Some. May be most. WS lack the ability to feel empathy. And perhaps from that void in they self came the willingness to choose to have the A. I believe the WS that post here are the exception to the rule. Sadly."

I really think very few WS's get the magnitude of what they have done to even come close to knowing what their BS feels... even when they have R'd... very few.

[This message edited by Bobbie at 4:29 PM, May 21st (Friday)]

Bobbie is so on point.

And why I believe in IC. My WW issues pre date me or the M. Her empathy compass is broken and it is not something we can fix. It is up to her and part of her core.

And that is the main reason why IMHO most people whether they D or stay together do not do R well. It takes a brave person to confront themselves make themsleves better and than really see what it did to their BS.

My WW is not strong enough for the journey.