SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so sorry for your pain. I don't have any words of wisdom. Just know we are all here to help you thru this you NOT alone.

(((hollowman))) jesus, just when i think i have read the worst, i log on another day and read something even more painful. I am so sorry for your pain, for the loss of your daughter and the awful realizations that have followed. I am in awe of your strength and desire to have a civilized divorce. I send you strength and prayers of peace.

Hollowman,

I hate that you are going through this. There is nothing more devastating... first to be dealt the blow that your WW has been unfaithful and then to also have the very foundation of your family rocked. It feels like your life has been a lie. You can't tell which way is up or down anymore. You feel like crying, screaming, sobbing, running and holding on to what you have all at the same time. It feels like all the nerve endings in your body are firing at once with no consensus on what they are trying to communicate to you.

You are going to hear a lot of advice specifically about the child. Cat had it absolutely right concerning legal advice... you need to see a lawyer ASAP. I could go on and on about how paternity laws are layed out but I'd be wasting my breath since I don't know what state you live in. I can recite the MN paternity statutes almost from heart but it doesn't do any good unless you live in MN. Talk to a lawyer... go find the tallest law office in your county and hire a family lawyer from the TOP FLOOR. Trust me... don't waste your time worrying about who has free consults or not. The good ones charge for their time so go hire a lawyer that when you ride the elevator to get to their office your ears pop... twice.

You are going to hear a lot of emotional advice about the child too. Don't let anything pull you in any direction. When the immediate crisis is resolved and you have some knowledge of your options you can take some time to figure out how you feel about the child. Don't let anyone guilt you into staying and don't let anyone convince you that you have to run. You need to do exactly what is best for you and your child (or children depending on your take on the issue) and that may not be what anyone else here would do.

I'm sure that you are angry, hurt and bewildered right now. I know action will help you to not feel all of the horrible emotions that are undoubtedly flooding your head. Moving, investigating, testing, planning... they all keep you from sitting still with the wrath that has been brought to your life. It is totally understandable and I was there too. Some really good advice I got from a preist and counselor right after D-day was that it is okay to NOT make any decisions right now. There may be time limits on paternity issues so you need to research that. Your marriage, however, can be terminated at any time. You should determine if you are in a "no-fault" state for marriage. If you aren't, the infidelity and paternity issues aren't going to have a bearing on the divorce (D)anyways. If I was advising a good friend or relative on this matter I'd advise to commit to waiting at least 6 months to make any decisions unless there are any legal time constraints that would require more immediate action. If possible, I'd say a year... it really does take that long to even get a semblance of a clear head.

My story is fairly similar to yours... you can read mine in my profile if you want. There are a few of us here in your situation and both Losferwords and I keep in very close contact with daily struggles. Feel free to PM me as if you need to talk, ask questions, vent... whatever. All three of our situations are slightly different but I've found the thoughts, emotions and difficulties are all very similar.

I do not envy you. You are in the hardest of all the times on this ride. I know it might feel like nothing will ever get better but it does. It takes a lot of work though. This isn't the kind of betrayal that you can just get divorced, move on and be happy. There's a lot to work through with this and S.I. is a great place to do it. Come back to S.I. and post as often as you need... sometimes just venting frustrations helps. The support you will find on this site is second to none. There are so many people that care and want to help you here. I don't know if I would have survived with my sanity had it not been for the existence of S.I.

I also want to second the sentiment that you should read the healing library. Read it all... then read it again. In a month read it again. I found that there was a lot in there that didn't sink in until the second or third time I read it.

I hope this finds you well Hollowman... take care of yourself tonight.

Alexa

I am so sorry to hear that not only were you betrayed but tricked. I am still in shock of my own situation that they can not only have an affair but find ways to make it part the BS's life. It is so sad that she has used her child as a pawn in this situation. I agree legal advice it called for. Especially in CA - the state laws are very complicated.

I admire your ability to call the BS card and get answers. It must have been very diffcult to have your doubts confirmed.

You are playing this smartly, hollowman. Well done. Get all your ducks lined up before you confront. See an atty. Follow his/her advice.

Even when she gets back from her current trip, do not rush to confront. Take your time so when you do confront you can go for the jugular and assume control over what happens from now on.

(((((((((((((((hollowman))))))))))))

I wish I had words of wisdom, but Catwoman and alexa071 have said it best. I am so, so sorry you are dealing with so much all at once.

Not sure about the laws in your state but here in MO, you can't have it both ways. When my sister married her soon to be x, she was pregnant with another man's child (he knew that at the time). He insisted that they get married before my niece was born in order to get his name on the birth certificate so he would be her "Dad". Fast forward 13 years, and with a divorce looming and a large chunk of child support possible he played the "she not mine" card (my niece did not know this information). He was hoping to get visitation with no child support. So my sister just checked "no child(ren) born of the marriage. So he doesn't have to pay child support but he doesn't get visitation either.

Your situation is different in the fact that you have been lied to and I understand your frusation. But I want you to be aware that you could very likely lose on the visitation front if you push the child support issue. You will need to decide if it is worth the risk.

((((mostlymine)))

((((hollowman))))

so sad to see this club grow so quickly, but glad you aren't alone here.

What do I do now?

I am not sure what to do now. I have proof of her infidelity but I do not know with certainity who the father is. I have read many of the recommended spying methods here, i.e., checking cell phone, email, keystroke logger, etc.

Unfortunately most of those are unavailable to me. We don't have a pc at home to install a keylogger on. She has her cellphone with her at all times and often times leaves her laptop at work.

She is also a mac user while my computer runs on microsoft. I only recently got an iphone because she gave me her old when she upgraded. She uses tech more in her line of work than I do so she is more adept atcovering her tracks. Also, the cell phone bill is sent to her at work.

Do I even need more proof?

These are the facts:

1. We have not had sex since November 17th, 2008.

2. Since December 2006 we have only had sex 5 times.

3. She is taking birth control pills. (She is 40 and says it is for her hormones)

4. She often travels for business.

5. In her previous job she would spend nights away from home at a hotel near her office. (She claimed it was because she and her team were under the gun on projects).

6. When she is away she is sometimes accompanied by other men.

7. She sometimes spends the night at her studio (claiming it is to try and get caught up).

8. The two girls have made comments about seeing her kiss her business partner.

9. She has let her business partner change diapers and bathe the girls! (I told her the other night I found this disrespectful to me and our marriage and said I wanted it to stop)

10. The most damning evidence are the two DNA tests proving I am incapable of being the father.

I have spoken to one attorney and the accountant and have a consultation with another attorney on Monday.

I spoke with a genetecist and he said I do not have to exhume my daughter's body. There are other methods available to ascertain DNA.

I don't know what to do now. I am keeping up a brave face but when do I confront. My priest told me to confront her now. He said that by not confronting and trying to gather more intel all I am doing is trying to prove what I already know: She was unfaithful.

Can anyone offer a timeline or an outline for when I should confront her? The kids are with the inlaws till Saturday. I would like to do this before they come home but I would also like to speak with the second attorney. Help!

Wow. Just wow.

I am leaning toward the opinion of your priest. What more do you really need to know...?

So sorry about all this! Words just fail me here...and that is rare for me.

(((hugs)))

I'm very sorry for your pain. You are in my prayers.

Well unless the first attorney you consulted told you divorce would be stabbing yourself in the ass the I would do it sooner rather than later. The second attorney will likely say much what the first has said.

Don't know what the legal situation is where you are, but if it were me I would be looking to throw her out of the house, get custody of the kid and divorce her. You know she's cheated on you, you know she's still cheating on you. Unless she is immediately remorseful and willing to fight for the marriage then ditch her

You deserve better

MM, I cant imagine how you must feel Such a 4orrible kick in the gut not to mention an innocent little girl whos life will be affected. Makes me sick to my stomach. So sorry your in such a shitty situation

Hollowman,

What you do is really dependent on a few factors. Are you REALLY sure you are going to divorce? Do you live in a no-fault state? What has your attorney told you about your rights to the non-bio child?

If you are in a no-fault state and you are absolutely sure you want to divorce I don't see any reason to wait for a confrontation. I'm pretty sure that two genetic tests showing that the child isn't yours is PLENTY evidence to confront. Actually... if you are in a FAULT divorce state it's probably still plenty of evidence. You might have to show more recent evidence but you'd have to discuss that with your attorney. Either way... if you really know that this is a dealbreaker there really isn't a reason to continue gathering evidence.

Now... if you think that reconciliation (R) might be a chance in you marriage then that might change things a bit. You might want to open your eyes, ears and start gathering information. Wayward spouses (WS's)have a very solid reputation of denying even in the face of irrefutable proof. Really, what you HAVE is irrefutable but you still might want to tie up all of your loose ends. It would be nice to know with certainty who the OM is but it sounds like you really know already.

Honestly, if this was me or a close friend I'd tell them to blow this shit up IMMEDIATELY. You really already have enough. Check with your lawyer first but here's what I'd do with 20/20 hindsight...

#1. Confront your wife

#2. Require a No Contact (NC) letter to be sent to OM

#3. Inform the Other Male's (OM's) Betrayed Wife (BW)

#4. Require immediate entry for your Wayward wife (WW) into independent counseling (IC)

#5. Get your ducks in a row for any eventuality. Be ready for any legal action from paternity issues to divorce. Have it ALL ready to go... you don't have to make any permanent decisions but the mere act of preparation helps alleviate PTSD symptoms from the trauma. You need to take control of your life and what you actually have control over... and one of those things isn't your WW.

#6. Get yourself into an IC

Alongside of all of this I'd be requiring STD testing for both your WW and you. I'd be laying down very clear boundaries about lies and trickle truthing (TT'ing). You don't have to put up with being lied to but I will tell you this: It's gonna happen. Count on it... you will very likely NOT know the whole story after her first confession. It's just not the way these things come out. It's a process. It hurts to be lied to but EXPECT IT... don't believe a word she say's unless you have irrefutable evidence that it is true. It usually takes a long time to get the truth from a foggy WS.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling. It's tough to relay one year worth of my "shoulda-coulda-woulda" crap in one PM. I guess if I had to say one thing you HAVE to do it is to SEE A LAWYER... a really good one. Then, do what he suggests with regard to legal action. Don't let them convince you that you have to act on anything though. Only use them to make what YOU WANT happen...

ETA: Oh yah... a BIG ONE on my "wish I woulda" list was this: If she doesn't play ball RIGHT AWAY... throw her ass out. Don't listen to any reasoning or feel guilty because of children. Just throw her out and go No Contact (NC) with her. Let her figure out what SHE can do to earn her way back onto YOUR life.

Alexa

[This message edited by alexa071 at 1:50 AM, June 17th (Friday)]

Holy crap.......

I just read this....

Both of you...Hollow & Alexa...

I can't even begin to know what you have gone through or are going through. That is just straight evil imho. I don't even know what to say. You guys have big hearts and a lot of guts that a majority of people do not have. Here is an e-Beer raised in your honor.

[This message edited by Long Gone at 10:25 AM, July 7th (Thursday)]

All I can think after reading this is WOW!