SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Imagrownup,

I know I’m out on the preverbal limb and it will most likely be sawed off behind me, but I thought I would try and answer your question as best I could from my perspective.

I was very much entangled with MOM (3.5yr A). I had plans to leave BH, move and be with MOM. (MOM had plans to leave his wife). I had a job offer I accepted and was going to move. Then Dday.

After Dday I went NC, BH and I agreed to work on R (no promises about being able to work it out – just that we would try), I made the decision to stay and revoked my acceptance of the job offer.

I did not stay because of financial reasons (we make about the same $). I didn’t stay for security reasons (BH worked out of town or was gone for various reasons 2/3 to ¾ of the year and I worked full time, took care of the kids and the house). I didn’t stay because of what friends and family might think (BH called my friends looking for info about the A and had called my family for various reasons – all knew about A within a few days of Dday). I did not talk myself into staying because it was the right thing to do. BH was not second choice nor was he a back up plan. (MOM was patiently waiting for me and to report for work long after I had already decided to stay).

I stayed because ultimately I love my H, kids and I wanted to stay. During the A, I thought I loved OM and no longer loved H. I allowed myself to become so wrapped up in my selfish thoughts and actions that I rarely thought of the consequences. I convinced myself H didn’t love me (after all, with H having to work out of town all week long, who would voluntarily choose to go pursue hobbies that took most of each weekend and meant we rarely spent time together?).

I know it doesn’t sound possible, but I loved H all along; even when I didn’t think I did. I will admit - I lost sight of that love. I was too self-absorbed to realize I was nurturing the wrong love. Back at the time, my thoughts were too involved with OM and not at home where they should have been – there was an element of escape that while I now know was not real, felt exciting at the time.

The reasons a WS chooses to stay are as varied as there are different fact patterns of an A. I can’t speak for other WSs, just myself. Having the A discovered was the first step to me pulling my head out of my a**.

great post, whatnow.

WN2011,

Wow.

HrsLover:

just keep building up OUR retirement fucker! got over 25years invested and I have earned every fn penny!

Brilliantly Hilarious!---I cracked up to no end, as I feel the same as you....(then I feel bad for thinking it )

[This message edited by ForkedRoad at 2:14 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)]

The pining for her is what is breaking my heart. I have no idea what to do with it.

He can't answer why he was pining-I can't get past it.

Dear Imagrownup,

I asked FWS that question several times in several different ways and pretty much always got the same answer.

Because he was too much of a coward to leave.

Therapy helped uncover the reasons for his actions.

1. trying to "recapture" his first real love. Not literally as finding the girl and approaching her, but all his FB's had several of her physical attributes.

2. proving to himself that he was just as important/popular as other guys. He was only 5'6" and grew up with an inferiority complex and he compensated by having sex with other women.

Weirdly enough....his vision of himself if he had left was a middle aged man living with his mother having meaningless sex with whoever said yes. Pretty pathetic.

But his vision of himself before I busted him was a successful married man, two kids, nice house, nice wife, well respected but having a secret sex life to prove to himself that he was still a player and just as good as any of the other guys because he could have sex with anyone he wanted.

In my case, FWS did the hard and ugly work to fix and change himself. He had told me that the last few years had been the best of his life. He was well respected, had friends, and his life had purpose.

And I can verify all this because so many people attended his funeral that the Church was full and people couldn't get in. The Processional took nearly 30 minutes and the funeral itself made our local paper with a picture.

He touched many people and credited me with literally turning his life around.

He told me he was grateful that I didn't leave HIM. That I woke him up to what he had.

So you see, Iam...sometimes maybe they stay because they realize they need us to save them from themselves.

I've also asked myself why I stayed in the relationship. Maybe you can ask yourself and search for that answer. It might give you some perspective.

k9

I have just gotten home from work and I have been reading these posts. I am trying not to cry in front of my children. WN2011 wow that was a wonderful post- I can only hope he feels the same for me. I can see you don't see you BH as a consolation prize. It fills my heart with hope.

K94 you have brought me to tears and have made me thnk. Maybe I do need to look inside myself. I don't know.

I greatly appreciate all the wonder ful posts from every one.

I need points of view- my Wh has trouble explaining himself.

One of the other things taht makes his A different- is that they really didn't do this thing in private- they went out with all their work buds- hung out all the time- went to lunch together. It was not all hidden-I guess thye just didnt do the deed in front of every one.

He works with her so she sat in his office all day and laughed and joked and made plans for drinks and whatever that night. So they were never hidden.

He even gave her the ability to over see others jobs and tell them what they did wrong. None of this was closed up and secretive.

So when I think about our courtship- the one he had with her seems even better.

It is heartbreaking.