SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That's another reason I've questioned the statement that's on this site so often. I wish they just left. In some situations the results would have been close to the same.

Damn, girlfriend! You've hit the bullseye again!

I have seen this situation on this site. One partner leaves (confirmed that there was no infidelity) and the other partner feels every bit as "betrayed".

Affairs ARE NEVER about the BS

Worth repeating over and over.

UO - Have you read the book "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing"?

I fully understand your pointand I've come to believe that the rejection issue is at the core of many of those feelings we ascribe to love. What I came to personally understand was that the rejection/love was actually about old abandonment issues that I had...that I think *many* people have in some form or another.

I get this post, I totally do. From Dday, it was the rejection that I could not take. You go all those yrs together and then you are pushed to the curb left at home to do what we do, cook, clean, take care of kids, sit up til 5am watching you get dropped off by OW, then that happens week after week. It was him leaving me in tears to spend quality time with OW right in front of my face, it was the rejection that made me a mad woman, it was the rejection that made me want to scream and beat someone. Its all about being rejected and knowing they (WH) did not care until he wanted to do damage control. Then repeat it again and again. How can someone reject their spouse knowing what it feels like? Why would you do that to the mother of your children, why would you do that to the woman who always supported you, why would you do that for some cheap ass when you could have gotton it at home, why did you disregard me like I was nothing, just trash that you put out on the curb? That is rejection and that is how it feels.

So I understand this whole post because I always told my therapist that, it was the rejection and still is that killed me.

And to who ever said that they feel sorry for the single OW... OMG.. whatever, the single OW are the ones that come to your home and fight with the WH in front of your kids and you have to call the cops, they are ones that feel they own your WH and text you all the time that you have to share your WH, they are one that text your WH just because they know he is suppose to be with his family, they are the one that call BW out of their names, and tell the WH not he better not be sleeping with BW or else. They buys gift and then text you that they want them back because they are fighting... Sorry, the single's one are the fatal attraction one that have NO SELF WORTH OR RESPECT. They are looney.

Think about those statements and what it represents. Love? Not at all. When you love someone you want them to be happy. You don't stalk them, harass them, attack them, hurt them. Even if they hurt you.

This is a huge thing. I do think it so very sad when people who onced loved each other are set on destroying each other, no matter whose 'fault' it is. I have aquaintances (an OW and a now divorced man) who I just watch in dismay at all the anger and bitterness they have towards xBW and the fighting and court battles they have had over children and finances. Both blame the other and the children have suffered so much over their immature, self-centered behavior. And that goes for both of them.

Bump for a friend.

(sorry it took a while, it showed read, for some reason but I didn't. Just saw it)

This touches on something for me, but I'm not sure how to articulate it. Only recently have I become aware of our ability to "put" people in our lives in a certain place within our reality.

I saw it more clearly in another poster when replies indicated a question of 'moving' the person in your mind.

I was aware in my previous marriage (in which I was the WW at the exit) that I was relegated to a "place" in the life of my ex (not an ex at this time I'm speaking of). That this place of former mutual respect, had, over time, been replaced with resentment.

I had spent years trying to steer him back to the respect, but during these years I had 1 child that died at 10 days (he did, too), 1 miscarriage, and 2 children to add to my workload, a new home, our company merging with another, 2 inlaws passing, my father having heart bypass.

We both were beset on all sides with pressure, and I turned to him for comfort which he was unable or unwilling to give. He had become more selfish and spending money like no tomorrow, yet he balked when I suggested him getting a 2nd job or helping me more in the house (he did a little more finally).

I tried to do this feeling alone, no one to talk to, to understand, and he did not want to go to counseling. I think now his resentment grew to such a point that by the time D-Day for him struck (it was the same day I asked for a divorce) - that I felt he and our M was beyond repair.

I did not want to stay and work on things, because I was exhausted from working on them for years to no avail. I was in a place of calm and peace in asking for D. I would rather him not have been in such pain, but I felt anyone in my place would have given up before now. There was no way to tell him he needed to detach without him going through pain...although I suspect a lot of his pain wasn't about me -- it was about losing his home, his wife (face for society's sake), his children (he wasn't a terribly good caregiver later), his whole life was crumbling.

Hindsight might tell me that maybe before the A, we should have tried separation, but I wasn't really under any delusions of marrying the AP - I just backed off everything to get my head on straight.

It felt it was taking everything I had to keep the calm I had to work hard to keep, support our children, hold down our home (after he broke door facings and such) -- I had nothing left to give him, and even if I could have helped him, he saw every. single. crack. as a way back in, and that was NOT what I wanted at this time -- we both were too broken and I just made it pure hell for him.

I genuinely wanted him to reject me, because I truly felt it would be much less painful than living with him. I didn't want to be responsible for ANYONE else's happiness at this point. I just wanted to get through this ocean of crap I created, and I couldn't rely on him. He'd already proved that on numerous occasions that I had asked for help.

I don't want this kind of drama.

The kind of heart/gut-wrenching sadness I experienced as a result of WH calling his old girlfriend, at first, I could not cope with the feeling of rejection. I completely shut down until he explained 'what happened.' I am 15 months out, and still vacillate, although I think I will eventually offer R.

I guess still being here is a sort of R. If I allow it, there is this pool of pure pain that I occasionally stick my toe in, that causes me to rethink my vacillation on staying/going.

Crave rejection? Not me. Life is too short for me now. I'd rather move on than experience any more pain than I already have.

The OW in our situation was a predatory home wrecker. She went into this fully intending to destroy his marriage and distance him from his children. She knew me, she knew I was pregnant, she didn't care. She only wanted what she wanted and was perfectly content to help him destroy everything in his life to get it.

There is no way she could have truly ever loved him, not if she was willing to destroy his life.

How can someone actually feel bad for that? I don't understand.

[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 2:05 PM, November 26th (Saturday)]

WYE,

I'm not sure I understand your question.

No matter what OW was (predatory homewrecker) or what she did (fully intending to destroy his marriage) isn't it your WH that did not protect you and your M?

She could have no power unless he gave it to her?

As far as her 'not feeling bad about that' remember 'the fog' allows both of them to put blinders one because it's not reality based, it's fantasy based.

They are able to turn away from so as not to see the pain and destruction.

You're right. Someone that loves another will step aside and let them sort out their life and M, not help them destroy it.

I was just responding to the prior poster who felt bad for OWs.

The OW in my life very much so set out to try and ruin my life. She was jealous of me and wanted what I had, husband, house, kids and all. Even said that on occasion.

It was completely my fWH's job to protect our marriage, and I am not, nor will I ever, exclude him from fault in that department.

And yeah, he gave her that power. Hell, he gave her everything she wanted it seems like. The only thing he didn't do was leave me at the end of the day. (He took her on trips, let her stay at our home when I was gone, even proposed to her with MY ring).

My point was just that OW who go into these affairs knowing the WH is married are not deserving of sympathy in my opinion. I don't care about the "fog" at all, I think it's just an excuse. JMO

[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 10:46 AM, November 27th (Sunday)]

worst-year-ever...

This thread is not for BS's to vent on, please respect the spirit of the thread and this forum.

Thank you.

Bump for a friend. Can't find the other one. I don't save them. Be well.

UO

You always write such thought provoking post. I have not read the whole thread due to time constraints.

I have felt rejected for a lot of my marriage because I did not measure up to my BH's standards, and I married him under false pretenses.

He has rejected me sexually and intellectually.

I have never written that before and it gave me a really strange feeling.

What I am now working on now is trying not to feel rejected while living together for at least part of the time.

Excellent post UO, thank you

I am afraid that my H and I have one of the sickest distancer/pursuer relationships on the planet. I can't think of a time that we were ever really on the same page.

I think we are both starting to see it for what it is. The biggest problem I guess for me at this point is that I still believe in families staying together. I still believe that it is best if we work out our individual problems and find a way to come together in healthly and mutually satisfying ways.

And I love him. I truly do. I desire for him to feel good, to be happy, to grow and be fulfilled whether I am in his life or not.

Sigh!

thanks again for this thought provoking post!

That's another reason I've questioned the statement that's on this site so often. I wish they just left. In some situations the results would have been close to the same.

I totally agree. Breaking off the relationship is the biggest betrayal of all. IMHO. How could it not be?

Breaking off the relationship is the biggest betrayal of all. IMHO. How could it not be?

I think my husband would have been better off had I left him early on, rather than putting him through this. My sorrow and grief would have been great, but he would not have felt the cumulative loss he feels now.

(((threw it away)))

I'm sorry.

I guess I was only speaking from my own experience in recognizing how much I hurt my H when I left.

Don't worry. It's just that there is an additional level of pain for my husband, having found out after many years of what he thought was happiness. It's worse for him because he thinks that those years of his life were only so many falsehoods, and it's worse for me because I so want to prove to him that we did have so much that was real, and cannot. I think this happens with many who find out late.

UO you have a way with words, unique and valuable.

Dopamine, addiction and desperation and rejection; I think these all play a part for all at some level and for some period of time after D-Day. Having been on both sides of this jacked up shit I believe that all of these have played a role for me.

We are very complex and you can point to each of those and assign value to it or use it as an excuse/validation/justification or just point and laugh or cry or my favorite; stare with a “WTF” look on your face. But we can’t stop there, that is scratching the surface. Some will use this site as a validation or social network and when it doesn’t do those things for them they will drop off. That’s ok, this whole honesty and real feelings hard core stuff isn’t for everyone, I have avoided it my whole life and it’s embarrassing to me to have failed miserably.

I believe at the end of the day (Long Term) our success or failure in life and or fidelity or whatever will be more affected by the principle of totality, basically taking all things mental and physical into account. Not a rush of Dopamine or anything else. Will some not take the journey because the dopamine wore off, absolutely but that probably wasn’t the only reason they stopped.

Short term, I am remorseful and want to make it right.

I started this process after being busted by believing that BW would divorce, so the decision I made for me was make it right and be honest and fix my shit so this doesn’t happen again for me or anyone because for the first time it was ALL about me! Not in a good way.

You're right. I read your post a few months ago when you first posted it, and it strikes just as deeply how true what you wrote is, UO. Ever since I read your post, I've seen it everywhere: this desperation to "get someone back", even if this person is totally unhealthy for you. I remember doing this with my abusive ex. He was completely unhealthy for me, and for ten months I kept going back. Hearing the term "abandonment issues" touches on it somewhat, but it seems like a broad sweep, almost dismissive. Yeah, it is a really deep fear of many people (myself included) to be "abandoned" by the people we care about. Maybe it's loneliness, or maybe it's tying too much self-worth to another person - specifically to the constant presence of another person. Like you said: chemicals. Chemical reactions. Like the same ones in an affair.

Thank you for writing this.

Dopamine, addiction and desperation and rejection; I think these all play a part for all at some level and for some period of time after D-Day. Having been on both sides of this jacked up shit I believe that all of these have played a role for me.

I understand that, hardlessons.

Like I posted earlier somewhere on here, I've had a twisted relationship with rejection. It somehow made me feel safer, stronger. I can understand why to an extent. I'm learning more about how much that said about my detachment rather than anything else.

I am finding that as I do open up and experience anger rather than rage and hurt and pain I'm finding it's oddly reassuring. Like, phew...at last. A feeling that somehow feels...normal.