SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WOES, what he has to learn to ive with is that maybe, during the A, you didn't love him -- at least not in the way you loved him at your wedding and the way you love him now. And if HT can accept that fact and forgive you and go forward with you -- then you should be content with that.

The real issue is the present and the future. Do you truly love him now; will lyou truly love him in the future. THAT is what matters. And if you do, and if he can see it and feel it and taste it -- then he can stay in the M and he can learn to live with the fact that maybe for a time you had stopped loving him.

A very difficult truth for a remorseful WS is that you simply cannot make the past disappear from memory. You want to. But you can't. And HT can't either. So you need to accept that and focus on showing him every day that regardless of how screwed up your mind was then, you love him now with all of your being and that will not change again.

I am sure that my WW did not love me during the A and for quite sometime after as she was getting her shit together. She could not have and still have done what she did and said the things she said to me. So I get why HT says what he says and I get why you feel you need to try to fix it somehow. But I can tell you from experience that nothing my W could have said or done later was ever going to convince me that "she never stopped loving me". And after a while, I really didn't care. All I cared about is does she love me now and is it real so that I can feel safe that it will conintue. I just wanted to know if my struggle would be in vain or would be worth the effort. And if HT is not quite there yet, I betting he will be.

I'm not saying that he won't continue to feel pain from time to time over the fact that you maybe had stopped loving him during the A. But there is always going to be pain for a BS that pops up occasionally thruout the rest of his/her life. That is just the aftermath of an A.

Again, the important thing is the present and the future. He needs to be convinced that you love him now and always will . Just that simple. If you can focus on that and show him that you do, he can get by the rest.

I have been following posts by both of you. It always sounds like you are now doing things up quite well. And that he is working on healing and moving in the right direction. Just keep up those positive efforts.

The only way I could deal with this is to simply learn to live with it. I had to accept that for a period of time my FWW became someone who I just couldn't understand. I also had to accept that my marraige, my friends, and my own home became parts of a world where I wasn't safe. It's a hard journey. You take it one day at a time. You slowly rebuild the trust and feeling of safety.

This Borderman, feels like the "truth" to me that we BS are struggling to find. Thank you for sharing.

Here is your possible breakthrough....

Can you define what love is to you? Can you define what love is not?

Start there and see where it goes.

I have some more thoughts on this but I will keep those for later, it is best you connect the dots yourself; it would mean more in the long run.

WOES

I think every BH (maybe BW) has to come to terms with the fact that for their wife to have an affair, they have to stop really loving and respecting them. You can't simply give yourself to another man and still have the commitment that embodies true love.

Given HT has offered R, my guess is that like me, we can get past that. What we have a hard time with is this - "What is stopping our fww from discarding that commitment again?"

You may be sure in your heart now that you could never hurt HT again like that or never lose your love for him again. But he is not sure. And for good reason - could you ever imagine on your wedding day what you were going to do to HT??

While you both have to confront your demons from Dday to work through this, the larger question will remain. Having my fww show me every day that she wants to make the marriage a safe desirable place for me helps quiet my doubts.

I hope you two are able to get through this.

BW here - My FWH had a LTA that lasted for 5 years during which time he treated me very poorly. On D-day, he didn't hesitate to choose me. When I asked him if he loved her, he told me "in a different way." I told him that I would not tolerate an H who loved another woman in "a different way" and he backpedaled immediately. However, I will never forget those words. In fact, I remember very little else about my D-day confrontation except those words.

Your BH feels like he was 2nd choice. All your actions on D-day point to the fact that you would have left him and never looked back if the MOM hadn't changed his mind. This is very difficult for a BS to deal with. You may have come to your senses later but that didn't get a chance to happen because the MOM ended things. That is huge for a BS.

When my FWH tried to tell me that he never stopped loving me during those 5 years, I will never believe him. I have forgiven him and we are solidly in R but I do not believe for a minute that could have loved me and treated me like he did. After much soul searching, he told me that he loved me but not like he should have. This makes much more sense and I can live with that, especially since his actions have been consistently loving since we began our immediate R.

I sincerely hope that you and your BS can find your way back to each other. Best of luck to you both.

You may be sure in your heart now that you could never hurt HT again like that or never lose your love for him again. But he is not sure. And for good reason - could you ever imagine on your wedding day what you were going to do to HT??

If an A occurred once, why not have another one? This may be the most difficult issue for a BS to handle. How are you and your M different today than before your affair? Insanity is doing the same thing again and expecting different results.

((wolkinOnEggshelz))

This must be very hard for you now that you are looking at it with a clear head. So please bear with me when I tell you you've still have a long road a head of you. Right now HT is still hurting and is still douting the M. He feels like you came back to not out of choice but out necessity. At the time of Dday when the MOM when back to his BS you found yourself with no where else to go. You are very lucky that HT did decided to take you back, not may BS would do that. If what the saying is true that it takes about 2 to 5 years to fully recover from an A, then you are either half way down the road or just at the begining. But either way it going to take alot of hard work and going up and down that rollercoster ride.

One of the things that alway concern me with some BS after Dday is the fact that they themselves are at the edge of that same slope you were in. I'm not saying that it will happen or that HT will do it after what he went through, but he is more vulerable to now and he is going to need you support and love now more than ever before. Keep going to IC and MC and I hope and prey for you and HT in the coming days ahead.