SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I asked every question you can imagine.

My wife was clearly in a state of shock, as was I, after she told me. She'd been deeply troubled for months, and it wasn't clear why, and the confession (9 years after the affair) brought that to a head.

I got a story initially, none of it was true, and my wife was willing to answer questions, but the answers were all false, as the story of the affair was a complete fiction. I still can't get that story out of my head, even though I know it wasn't true.

But, after the real confession, I asked terrible questions, and more terrible questions, particularly as the confession itself was even more terrible. I used the questions in the books as well, but the truth was that she didn't know the answers to most of them.

I assumed that some of the answers I got earlier must be false, as the story was false, but she (I think honestly) told me that she doesn't even know if they are false or not. Many wayward spouses do this apparently, lie a lot, and she lied so much, for so long, that she no longer remembers what was true and what was not true.

wiki, dissociative amnesia. This is what my FWW has or just a bald faced liar. not sure which.

"wiki, dissociative amnesia. This is what my FWW has or just a bald faced liar. not sure which."

This is real. Try this link.

http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/dissociative_disorders/hic_dissociative_amnesia.aspx

There are other syndromes as well, that are similar. I am a physician and have seen a few people with this type of thing.

I had a patient, many years ago when I was young, who was hospitalized for a drug induced dissociative state, then, several weeks into it, she woke up from nighttime sleep, said "where am I", and had no memory of the hospital stay at all.

Sadly, I tend to be OCD. But...I needed to know all of the following. In hindsight, I do NOT recommend anyone seeking information to this degree:

1. What did you say to her to explain why you were doing this?

2. Has she ever been anywhere we were at the same time that we were there? (plays, concerts, etc.)

3. How long did it actually go on? The 1st time you did it, the last time, and how many times in between. (Don't pretend you don't know because you track my monthly cycle better than I do.)

4. Where did it happen? (Each and every place)

5. Did you use a condom? If not, why the fuck not?

6. Did you give her oral sex?

7. Did she go down on you?

8. Did you discuss our sex life with her?

9. Did you tell her you loved her before, during, or after sex?

10. Did you tell her you loved me?

11. Did you hold her and talk afterward?

12. If so, what did you talk about?

13. Who else knows that we mutually know?

14. Did you take her on dates? (List the places and what you did so I can make sure we never go to those places.)

15. Did you fuck her the same days you made love to me?

16. Did you make love to me and then go fuck her? (There IS a difference in #15 & 16)

17. Did you ever plan to leave me?

18. Have you ever given her money or bought her a gift?

19. Approximate how much you spent on her.

20. What do you think is the reason you did this?

21. Have you hidden any money?

22. Has she ever been in any of our cars?

23. Has she ever been in or near my home?

24. Has she ever accompanied you out of town?

25. Did you really believe we had no future before you resumed your relationship with her?

26. Was she easier to be with-someone who would not "bitch at you"?

27. Did she make you feel needed and was she "uncomplicated and someone you could relax" with?

28. When did the two of you decide you wanted more than someone to talk to?

29. How appealing was she in your eyes; very, a little, or not that much?

30. What was kissing her like compared to me?

31. Did you ever stay all night with her after sex?

32. Did you think of me while fucking her?

33. Why didn't you just man up and ask me for a divorce?

34. Did you consider me to be your safety net in case this did not work for you?

35. Did you truthfully want to get caught so you would have an excuse to end to end our marriage?

36. Do you still claim to be a man of your word?

37. How many chances did you have to fuck her but your conscience stopped you?

38. Did she ever have to help you to get it up manually?

38. If yes, did that embarrass you? (Why or why not)

39. Did you enjoy her body more than you have mine?

40. How intense were your orgasms on a scale of 1-10.

41. Did you ever think of sexual diseases since she was single and probably had many lovers over the years?

42. How was it feeling her breasts compared to mine-she is pretty small and I am not.

43. Was sex better with her than me?

44. Did you long for the way she made you feel before?

45. Why do you think you "clicked sexually like no two people ever had before" (your words, not mine)

46. And if her pussy was "all that" for you, why the hell did you marry me and not her?

47. How could you fuck her then allow me to go down on you knowing your penis had been inside her?

48. Did she encourage you to divorce me?

49. Who paid for the abortion and did you go with her? (I know it happened - so don't lie)

50. Why did you do this when you knew what it do to me - it has destroyed me and changed my view of you forever?

51. Why have you found it necessary to continue to destroy me by resuming contact with her when I am STILL here for you, even after what you have selfishly done?

52. And the biggest one: Why shouldn't I divorce you? It's a done deal that I intend to - I'm just curious if you have any plausible reason why you think I shouldn't.

Here is a list of "How" questions I asked that came from an old SI post...

How did you let yourself push your boundaries like that instead of protecting me & our marriage?

How did you let yourself get fooled into thinking this was an OK thing to do?

How did you justify lying to me to yourself?

How did lying to me feel when you first started doing it as compared to after you had been doing it a while?

How did you think you were going to get away with this?

How did you think having an affair was going to make your life better?

How did you plan to keep that type of disconnection with me so you could keep cheating?

How did you make it easier for you to cheat since it went against everything you said mattered to you such as your honor, character, integrity, values?

How did you plan to get out of the affair or did you plan to just keep cheating?

How was it an affair was appealing to you?

How did those reasons change the more you did it?

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:46 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]

Chicky- a LOT of those I asked! We must think alike... Wow, thank you for your time answering. Hardenmyheart, fantastic questions... I wish had found this place on DDay! Sigh

I never thought I was OCD but if those questions make me, then so be it. I have asked a lot of those but have not gotten all the answers yet. ( she Still having major guilt issues) But I do like all of those "how " questions

Chicky, I don't have OCD, but...maybe I do...I asked those same questions.

"I needed to know all of the following."

But, I think that is "the new normal", my MC said that the BS almost always wants the "details".

Thanks for starting this topic.

I spent an entire week, probably week 6 trying to find the right list of questions. Just like the NC letter, i needed some basic formula. We wrote them together but it was difficult to find the correct simplicity.

A good book would be, "10,000 things to ask your wayward spouse"...so i could find some guidance. A list of 500 might be nice. A list to pick and chose from. Oy.

100 should start with 'why'.

Why did you think i would not find out?

Why did you think your behavior did not hint at your lying? it was so obvious.

Why did you think hanging up the phone when i walked in on you was not such an obvious disgusting lie?

Why did you think that text i saw right in front of you was not bull shit evidence of an affair?

Why did you think i was such a dumb ass that i didn't know you were full of shit?

Why did you think i cared when i so obviously hated who you had become?

Why did you think i even loved that creepy person you were, that alien moron?

Why do i still love you?

Prove to me why i should love you.

My FWH and I have very successfully reconciled after his LONG LTA. One of the things that helped us get there was "the question box".

For the first year after we decided to try to Rec I would write down everything I wanted to know ( and it was a lot)and put the questions in the box, whenever one occurred to me. Luckily my H had started counseling and wanted our marriage to work. I was not so sure I wanted to stay after such betrayal. Two or three nights a week we would go up to our room and close the door. He would take a question from the box. The deal was only truth could be spoken. If he was not able to bring himself to answer it truthfully he could put it back and take another.

Eventually, all the questions were answered and a very communicative relationship was formed. I now have the partner I have always dreamed of having. It was hard work both answering and hearing the answers but so worth the outcome.

My biggest question was WHY. Again and again why.

How could you love me, but still do this to me?

How did you think this was okay?

What made you cross the line in between fantasy and sexual desire?

Did you think about me at all?

If you loved and cared for me, how could you sext her while replying to me casually?

How could you bear to be around me while you were lying?

How could you touch me with the same hands that touched her?

Had 99 questions. Got about 10 answers, mostly IDK or ICR. Typical. One ? was, did you remove your wedding ring when you had sex with other men? NO! (she thought this was admirable i guess) Then your wedding ring actually made physical contact with other mens penises...I never want to see it again! She freaked and now it's in a box in her dresser. I told her to sell it or throw it away...she wouldn't.

[This message edited by cuckhold at 3:08 PM, March 5th (Monday)]

Same as cuckold-she don't remember shit.

Here's an example of asking the same question again........and again:

About 6 weeks ago, H "remembered" how the physical part of the A began.

He had to drive OW home after work and she invited him in for a drink.

I asked "didn't you see warning signs?" Answer: "No, it was innocent"

Things began on her couch after a few drinks.

About 2 weeks ago, same question. Answer: "I guess I did have some idea something could happen".

Last night at MC, he was asked, "Would you have gone in for a drink if her husband had been home?" Answer: "Probably not" Response from MC: "Then would it be accurate to say that you expected something more than a drink? That you had other expectations?"

Answer: "YES"

Finally: "So, this wasn't an "innocent" encounter"

Answer: "No"

Gotta keep asking those questions when the answers just don't make sense.