SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I concur with everyone that it is indeed a great letter! And that OW does not deserve a reply.

Wish the OW in my case has even a tiny molecule of moral fiber to be worth sending a letter to. *sigh*

Frankly, these women are not hog tying your WH and dragging him off. He is making the choice to cheat on you. Getting his rocks off is more important to him than hurting you.

My WH is 100% responsible for his decision to cheat. That doesn't mean the women who knew he was married and fucked him anyway are innocents!

I have told him several times that the fact that I hate his OW and his "Friend" does not take anything away from his responsibility for the situation.

He's like the bank robber who actually walked in waving a gun around, and they're the getaway driver and the person who hid the bag of money. He may be the only one who ACTUALLY robbed the bank, but they had a role too.

I suspect you'll find out about a lot more and you have a sex addict on your hands.

No I won't. Because it was made EXTREMELY clear during out 5hr+ Skype talk that THAT NIGHT was last chance to come clean about ANYTHING. Further revelations (regarding other women, affairs, etc.) will be an immediate dealbreaker (not further revelations about the details of the 3 OW in Rio....I can live with the fact that we're still going over the details of what happened and that we can't discuss everything in one night). Further cheating will be an immediate dealbreaker. Further contact with OW will be an immediate dealbreaker (this includes him receiving attempted contact and not telling me about it and forwarding it to me). For me, an immediate dealbreaker is something that would result in me immediately making an appointment with a divorce attorney - no apologies, no negotiating, no begging, no discussion, no telling me that he "didn't understand" the dealbreaker. I am the final arbiter, and if it is MY opinion that he crossed the boundary, that is it. Any questions, concerns, explanations or objections that he had to my small list of dealbreakers needed to be brought up during that Skype call.

So if he does turn out to be a sex addict, he won't be "on my hands" anymore because I will be GONE.

(making *wiping hands* motion)

And really he didn't have to tell me about the other 2 women; I didn't suspect a thing (was too busy obsessing over OW#1!), OW didn't know and so couldn't have outed him to me, and they were not women who were interested in keeping in touch after their brief flings (one actually stood him up the last time they were supposed to meet, and the other is married with an "open marriage" - yes, the open marriage is definitely true, her H participates sometimes).

I pray that the tests come back negative.

I'm hopeful about this. I was tested end of January and WH was tested in February. Everything negative. So it appears she didn't pass anything on to him in 2011, because the tests should have picked up anything contracted then.

Since he continued to sleep with her all through January, I'm insisting on another round of testing for him and me. But am hoping that she didn't pick up anything new within January that could have been passed on. We had a ton of unprotected sex after January, so what's done is done, now. Just have to wait for test results.

We'll be continuing with the repeat HIV testing at 6 mos out, but that was already planned.

However I will definitely be curious to see if she actually follows through with providing me with her own results. That action might be one that would help me believe she's actually sorry.

[This message edited by MFC2011 at 4:19 PM, March 29th (Thursday)]

Wow, great email. You had my heart pumping. When I grow up I want to be as strong, graceful and as articulate as you.

Bravo!!!!!!!

ETA -- all those charges you leveled at OW, you should level at WH too. He broke up the family, he lied, he risked your health. If you give him a pass as "broken" -- you have to give the pass to the OW too as broken and self destructive. IMO, don't give either of them a pass -- they're both selfish POS.

Oh trust me, he's had an earful plus more. He's the one that initiated all this shit. He took off his ring and went looking, he chose to sleep with her, he chose to tell her he was married and talk her into still sleeping with him, he chose to talk her into it AGAIN after the NC email. He gets a pass for NOTHING. And while her actions are despicable, HE is the one who has a personal responsibility to ME to be faithful.

She may be a soulless whore, but HE is the one who hurt me.

Awesome email you wrote! Truely awesome. Funny thing is the OW in my situation texted me the same response. She says "I know you and FWW can overcome this because the love you two had is rare. He loves you."

I don't need her to give me any encouragement. Her husband cheated on her and she saiid she could never be a homewrecker!

Seriously OW or OM are all fucked up and selfish. I can't believe we live in a world with these types. Yah I just read Shania Twain's book and her story reflected mine. The OW was there 24-7 and didn't mind seeing him hug or kiss me!

Just a little note, though. Many members have received letters filled with "I'm sorry" from the OW. Some of those OW have fallen on their swords to the BS, then gone right back out and screwed the WS. Keep your eyes open. She can't be trusted any more than your WS can.

Be aware that contact could go underground.

Contact had already gone underground. D-day was Christmas, NC letter was sent Jan 2. All contact was through his work phone, which I have no control over or access to, since it doesn't belong to him (so can't install GPS, keylogger, etc.) and can't physically look at (because he's overseas with it).

He promptly broke NC after returning to Rio Jan 2, and continued the A through the end of Jan. Then continued emailing her in Feb. All the while listening to me pour out my heart about the pain he had caused.

I believe he got scared in the past couple weeks because he started hearing me drop the word divorce more and more often. Right after D-day, my reaction was more to kiss his ass and beg him not to leave. After so much time on SI, and reading Not Just Friends, and beginning to realize that I don't HAVE to stay with him to be happy....well my approach changed quite a bit.

Our talk Tuesday night was me laying down the law about boundaries. Not telling him I "wasn't comfortable" with something, etc. I told him that I can't control what he does, but I can control what I do, and here's what WILL HAPPEN if he does A, B & C. He knows I have a divorce lawyer in mind (and I used to work for the court so I know who is good and who is not), he sees that I'm still not wearing my rings, he sees that I have started to reach out to people IRL for a support system.

So I believe he started to understand that I am actually preparing to leave him, and it gave him a sudden attack of conscience. Hence the confession of things that even with my crazy internet sleuthing (which also scares him), I would NEVER have found out about if he didn't tell me. I think he finally believed my statement that I promised to try to work through anything he had already done, but that he had to be HONEST, and if AFTER Tuesday night, I found out about any previous affairs or inappropriate contact, we were over. So he 'fessed up. He also admitted that continuing to call/text her after January WAS him continuing the A (at first he tried to say that the A was only in Rio and ended in Jan. I informed him that A) it was inappropriate extra-marital contact which he would NEVER have done if I were next to him, and therefore he could not argue that he "thought" I wouldn't mind or some equally lame excuse for why he'd like to make it less than it is, and B) I do not consider the "A" to be over when the only thing that was stopping him from fucking her was the miles between them....if she'd have flown to the country he was in, he'd have done her 10 different ways without thinking twice.

In any event, if he is still determined to contact her after the talk we had, and if she is still okay with sleeping with him after hearing from me AND after finding out he was whoring around with MORE women down there....well then I guess they are just a match made in heaven and I should step aside in the name of true love.

[This message edited by MFC2011 at 4:49 PM, March 29th (Thursday)]

"Williesmom" I am always looking on this site for a post that will make my day.....yours did just that. I can't stop cracking up.

MFC2011......great letter - showed a lot of class on your part.

My letter would have said...... 'You fucking little bitch of a whore, may you go to hell when all is said and done."

But then again, that is just me and I have always been known to say it as it is.

My WH is 100% responsible for his decision to cheat. That doesn't mean the women who knew he was married and fucked him anyway are innocents!

I couldn't agree more. When an OW knows he is married, she is akin to what you accidently step in, in a cow pasture.

I am the final arbiter, and if it is MY opinion that he crossed the boundary, that is it.

I LOVE this. I am having such a hard time staying strong as my stuff is EA with kissing (that I KNOW of). I am going to repeat this to myself over and over.

MFC2011!!!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Your letter is beyond fantastic. You are one CLASSY, kick-a$$ BW! Bravo.

Very well put!

Do you mind if I "borrow" some passages of your fabulous letter? I am about to divorce WH, but would really like the opportunity to have "my say" at some point.

Yours is perfect.

Oh - and mine will be translated as well, lol!

MFC, Love your letter. Brilliant.

You risked your own daughter's safety by letting someone who was basically a stranger - and one who was openly demonstrating his dishonesty - sleep in your home. I can't even begin to imagine the type of psychological problems that lead someone to act like that, or what must be missing in yourself that you were so desperately trying to fill.

^^^^This boggles my mind. OW did this too with FWH. Her 3 y/o was sleeping upstairs while BH was at work and FWH and OW were whoring on the couch in OW's living room. I would ask wtf was wrong w/ these people, but I really don't ever want to know what kind of thinking makes putting your child's safety at risk an ok thing.

MFC---Didn't have time to reply to this yesterday, but BRAVO!!! Your email was wonderful.

As far as her reply? Meh. I'm sitting on the Cynical Bench. It had me rolling my eyes and actually sitting here saying "Oh, whatever" out loud.

You spoke your piece to her, now leave it alone. If, heaven forbid, contact should resume in the future please follow through on your consequence of boxing his shit up and mailing it to her.....don't let her know it's coming, just have it dropped off on her doorstep. I am loving THAT mind movie!!

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:55 AM, March 30th (Friday)]

I really liked the line about "have your checkbook ready"...

However, and I know you are doing this, just watch really carefully and don't believe what he tells you. We've all learned that cheaters lie, and liars cheat...

Correcting his behavior isn't going to happen overnight. Like my FWH, when caught and confronted he suddenly had an "epiphany". Which is more about being caught than about realizing he's being doing the wrong thing. They panic a bit....

But overall, good for you. Your letter looks a bit like several I wrote to FWH's multiple OWs after D-day. Made me feel more powerful at the time. Looking back on it years later, I think I would have looked for more tangible ways of retaliating, but that's just me..

sn

I absolutely loved your letter to OW! Fan-fuckin-tastic! I never sent a letter or made any form of contact with my H's PA OW, but if I did, I would have wanted to sound like yours!

When I read many OW letters on here, I tend to get lost in the details that BS's tend to write about...over wordy! But yours nailed every point I would have wanted to make without those details. I hope this letter brings you some closure. I swear, I wished I had sent something similar two years ago. I believe some of my resentment and anger today is based on my silence to the OW PA.

On a side note, my MIL actually made what is called an impact statement to the two teenagers that murdered/ car jacked my BIL over twenty years ago. The courts (at that time) felt like the victim of a major crime, such as murder, should be given the right to say what they want to say in a controlled setting. Though her impact message didn't bring back her child, it did give her the forum to state her feelings. In many ways, I believe that a BS may benefit and have closure by doing the same to OW. I never did, but I now feel like it may have helped me heal a little faster. Oh well...I can't change what I did at that time, so I enjoy reading the letters of those BS's that have. And this was one heck of a letter!

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 10:54 AM, March 30th (Friday)]

Loved your letter MFC2011--I sent a similar letter to my OW--although I left her no avenue to reply as I deleted the account after sending the e-mail. I didn't want to give her any avenue to vent back to me and boy do I hope it tortured her that she couldn't answer back--even if it was just a bit comparable to the torture that her actions caused me for the last 3 years--yes, I hold my husband most responsible but as you said it takes two--she gladly and knowingly accepted her role in trying to destroy my life too.

@DANCE4ME--excellent point you made about the impact statement. That's exactly what my letter to the OW felt like. Never looked at it like that before--very insightful!

OMG ((MFC2011)) your letter to her was AMAZING. I have written one similarly but my IC recommends I definitely NOT send it!!! I have written so many in my head, and ultimately decided not to lower myself. I am re-thinking that now reading your email as it feels as though it didn't lower you but rather empower you instead.

Good work!! Hold your head high girl.

Hugs.

First off, you wrote a KILLER letter to the OW. My hat is off to you.

Secondly, you are lucky she replied and with such remorse.

My husband's current girlfried probably wouldn't take the time to read what I'd send her, or wouldn't be smart enough to understand half the words I use.

Your email makes me want to send one too. So, so badly.

Her reply makes me feel a little stab-happy, though.