SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

have you asked him what it is he needs from you? You both had 10 years to work on this and nothing happened. You're both at fault for rugsweeping.

They also give him assignments and recommend books that he ignores

interesting...I suspect he's not ever really dealt with his feelings from your A and now it's all coming to the surface, with a vengeance. Ultimately, there's nothing you can do if he has no desire to work on himself. I don't think he needs reassurance. I think he needs to stop stuffing his feelings and actually face them, otherwise you're both going to suffer for as long as you allow it.

I think that was a hypothetical question---one designed as a barometer of your remorse, not one that demonstrates the intention of actually having you grovel on your hands and knees for three years. (Out of curiosity: did your affair last three years)?

It's a way of figuring out whether you value your spouse as much as/more than you value your affair partner.

I asked my husband if he'd make some sort of grand gesture---something that required the vast amount of money his infidelities cost us--for me. Even as I asked, I knew it was impossible---we couldn't ever afford that.

I just wanted to know whether he cared enough to do so.

(I got my answer when nearly every discussion after that question elicited a scornful response that included reference to my question; please don't do this to your husband. You needn't grovel on hands and knees---but it would be really, really nice to let him know that you would be willing to do anything you could to regain his trust---even grovel, if it were very, very important to him. It would also be quite reasonable to say that you would vastly prefer to find a way that would degrade neither of you---but instead work to make your relationship a healthy one between equals. (Right now, he likely feels well below your equal; that's what infidelity does to the BS---and it's quite natural to try to gain equal footing.)

Really, "making" you grovel on hands and knees would, ultimately, make him feel even worse about himself than he already does. He is not himself right now; he is injured, and is mind is traumatized. He needs gentle handling, including gentle responses to what may seem like outrageous requests.

Really,the groveling is just something that popped into his very, very injured mind. It wouldn't make him feel better. What positive alternatives can you suggest instead? What are you willing to do to show him you value him more than your OM?

He wants to stop hurting, and he doesn't know how. Being quick to label him as eager to punish isn't quite fair, IMO. He's a mess, and doesn't know what will ease his pain.

As a bs I only want my ww to be willing to face some outside consequences. She want to do nothing but make sure there are none. She does face pain butter main goal as far as I see is to make sure there are no repercussions. That hurts. I can see your bs point. It is the willingness to face some consequence. What would you be willing to do? Wi am sure he wants to hear ANYTHING YOU WANT.

As a bs I only want my ww to be willing to face some outside consequences. She want to do nothing but make sure there are none. She does face pain butter main goal as far as I see is to make sure there are no repercussions. That hurts. I can see your bs point. It is the willingness to face some consequence. What would you be willing to do? Wi am sure he wants to hear ANYTHING YOU WANT.

YoungMistakes, I have a question.

You say:

My affair was 10 years ago.

But according to your profile:

I started a friendship on a computer game with a man and I opened up to him about my life. It lasted three weeks and in the last week it escalated to me sending a photo of myself in a bikini and having cybersex.

And this happened 10 years after the first A?

Does your husband know about this?

Do you consider this an A?

Are you sure he's triggering over the past? Maybe it's both As.

The online EA was 8 years ago. He confronted me with a keyboard logger and asked me to stop and I did. (at the time I did not see this as an affair, I was 20 at the time) He says he did not know that it had went as far as it did and wishes he had said more. My big A...a 6month affair with his co worker while he was deployed was 10 years ago. I confessed when he got home and he begged for me to stay with him. It was nasty and ugly. We went through MC and when the c asked my BH what questions he had, he responded that he didn't want to know anymore then he already did and wanted to move on. My BH says that after that, instead of confronting the emotions, he just stuffed it all down. I also had a ONS at age 16 that he didn't know about at all until two months ago.

I never felt like we didn't deal with it. (Our MC told us we were good to go after 6 months) I remember the year and a half that followed. I made sure he knew where I was at all times and threw myself into making him happy and satisfied. After getting pregnant with our son at 2 years post dday, he completely withdrew from me and that's when the online thing happened. After that, I've been extra careful to make sure nothing else EVER happens again. Our son is Autistic, so the past 8 years have really been all about him, but I was totally sure that we were rock solid. If you told me 6 months ago that I'd be this close to a divorce, I would have laughed my butt off. This has all kind of came out of nowhere. I did TT/minimize at first. It wasn't until he told me about SI that saw the damage I was doing. I'm trying my best to help him, but I don't know what to do. He doesn't like any of our IC/MC's, but doesn't want to get another one. He also been doing some things (asking to date other women, talking about wanting to fall in love again) that have really hurt me as well, so we have that to deal with, plus, I'm hurt because this was all "stuffed" and not processed. I feel like our whole marriage is lies and a fake. We have so many problems that we are just seeing now, communication, intimacy, expectations. It's just all FU*KED UP.

[This message edited by YoungMistakes83 at 8:40 AM, August 17th (Friday)]

I also had a ONS at age 16 that he didn't know about at all until two months ago.

It seems like the discovery of your ONS may have triggered him and that is why he is bringing his feelings up now. That discovery was another Dday. There have been three A's you have mentioned and he is most likely feeling overwhelmed with hurt and betrayal. I hear that every new dday starts a BS right back at square one. And since he did not fully process the past A's it is all coming up now.

Thanks for clarifying. I'm just a little today.

Wrong account

[This message edited by StillWhy at 6:39 AM, August 17th (Friday)]

He triggered 5+ months ago after watching two coworkers start an affair. He came home and said he wanted to talk about it and it's spiraled out of control. Our marriage is in shambles.

Idk..id kind of like to see my wh knees bleeding..while begging me for forgiveness! Hes done everything right for R. However his A was 8yrs so i can have 8 yrs! I could never have RA but i can remind him every single day for 8 yrs what he did..how horrible it was..and how many lives he ruined. I am the owner of his life insurance now. No one else is getting that after what i went thru. All properties paid off are in my name only. And if post nups were legal in my state id have ALOT more.

stucknunhappy,

Please remember what forum you are in. This is not the place for BS venting.

[This message edited by wifehad5 at 5:52 AM, August 19th (Sunday)]