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He chose to keep my sin against him private. He has a hard enough time facing feelings and emotions. In exposing my sin, we would let in countless opinions, do-gooders, and haters. He didn't want that. He didn't want outside voices giving their opinions when his is the only that matters. It was his life shattered, he'll deal with it how he sees fit.

^^^This is the most important thing. There is no "obligation" (imho) to share anything about the A outside of the M...especially if it isn't what the BS wants/needs for their healing.

No family members or friends were in any way privy to affair behavior or fallout. They didn't aid me during my antics. I didn't use them for a means to further the A. They weren't covering up for me or babysitting my kids. They didn't help Mr. Aubrie find dirt out on me. They didn't watch the kids for hours on end post Dday while we fought (which we didn't do) or go to MC.

This just reinforces my view. If any family members were involved in the A or its fallout, whether they knew it or not, then maybe...maybe...they should be told something. I still hold that those considerations are secondary to the repair and healing of the BS and WS and the M itself.

I don't think you're living an "inauthentic" life because you and Mr Aubrie have chosen to keep your marriage between the two of you.

Especially since that was HIS choice. He calls the shots on healing, right? You owe nothing to no one, other than him.

I'm so glad you two have a plan in place. You and Mr Aubrie really are a team.

Being authentic has nothing to do with outside perceptions. Being authentic is for yourself and by extension your spouse (as is the point of being a couple/union/whathaveyou). I'd actually say that need to be outwardly authentic beyond the relationship and garnering outside positive perception is borderline validation seeking, which is what gets almost all WSs into this mess.

My wife is genuinely willing to tell anyone what she did if it were to help me in healing. I told her it was unnecessary nor desired. She only has to prove to herself and me that she's sincere and authentic now. Although the gesture was endearing. She's willing to wade through scorn and shame for me, whatever it takes for me to heal. Yet in that, I personally just don't give a damn what some people say and it is just none of their business.

You don't have to answer to or be held responsible to anyone else. Nor does Mr. Aubrie. His choice to keep it within your marriage is his, as is his choice to stay married and work through things. This is your battle and journey together and the only need to be authentic is between you two.

No one else has any true stake to what you two are or have. Sure people have opinions, and they're often unnecessary. What matters is you and Mr. Aubrie, and it's great to see you already have a gameplan. This will just be one more obstacle for you two to face together if anything comes of it.

[This message edited by VD2012 at 2:35 AM, October 5th (Friday)]

(((Aubrie and Mr. Aubrie)))

Breathe deeply, hold on to each other and show the world your beautiful faces!

He loves you, you love him, you have choosen to be together and that is what matters. Its your marriage, not anyone elses.

Loving on you my friend!

[This message edited by girlsbird at 3:20 AM, October 5th (Friday)]

How is it anyone else's concern? How would anyone else knowing help/hinder them? How would anyone else knowing change me or my husband's progress or healing?

Is it anyone else's concern? No.

Will it help or hinder them? No. But it of course may alter their relationship with you or Mr.A. And wound anyone else knowing change progress or healing? No I don't think so.

In YOUR situation I don't think keeping your initimate marital matters (Choosing to R after an A and healing together) is something anyone outside the marriage has a right to know. And I certainly don't think it makes you less authentic. I think that's the last thing we'd say about you guys!

In MY situation everyone knows. LH made damn sure of that to stop the A. He didn't want me having anyway to take it underground and wanted to have supprt to. He deserved that. I wasn't someone who ended the A and confessed and was a remorseful person from day 1, I took a lot of time for me to get there and I put LH through a whole load of unnecessary crap and pain to get there.

I think he did the right thing by outing me and my A to our world. I still had support to end the A and R, (not that I wanted or took that kind of support at the time ).

His family were good to me also. I was surprised to be honest.

My mother facilitated the A and played several roles in contacting the OM, receving and potentially passing on a love letter; not telling by BH; not telling me to tell him but worst (in my eyes) was telling my BH he should bury this issue and stop making me feel or guilty. Now THAT's unhealthy.

Yup he outed to to them too. He did it by "accident" actually. Right after Dday he went to my grannie's house to give he a bday present, she asked how he was and he broke down in tears and told everything. She rang me and gave me a telling off and what's what (stop the A and R or leave) but also has not forgiven him for "ratting me out" to my family. Also fucked in the head.

So I got support from his family and he got nothing from mine. I'm embarrased and sad about this and it shows just how unhealthy my FoO really is.

It was important to him to have the A out. I think it also meant I had to face some degree of public humilitation to stay and R - a sort of penance may be from LH's POV? I don't know... To be honest I didn't worry about everyone knowing. Living with my pain at the start was what I cared about; now it's living with his. What public think doesn't really get to me in this sort of situation (which is weird because historically, it's one thing that's really mattered to me - may be that was the first step towards putting aside external validation). I've never felt treated like a leper by anyone who knew with the expection of one person. To be fair, that person was doing while I was still foggy and in the A; and he was also betrayed by me and the OM as friends - he had a pretty good reason to be pissed.

Fortunately, we don't have anyone who would cast us aside due to strong religious belief, that I can see would be another hurdle (and a whole nother topic I'll step awy from).

I think there are times when it helps the BS to out the WS and their A. In my case it helped the WW too. I would say it saved our M.

The only other benefit I see out having the A out in the open is NO MORE LIES. Anywhere. This was important for us, because of the extent of my lying. I don't have to lie to anyone anytime and have zero excuse for doing so. It refreshing and I'm grateful for that. You told the truth Aubrie. You're a different person to me - a more honest one from the outset. My family and my BH's was riddled with lies at times (not to each other) and it's not healthy. I don't want that life and everyone knowing removed another thing to lie about. Honesty the whole way.

But I can see there are times where the A being outed will hurt the BS further, cause humilitation and even result in the couple being excommunicated from communities. I cannot condone the latter I'm afraid, I honestly think people that do this do not recognise the strength of character and fortitude it takes to R, from both parts. Those people are short sighted IMO. Reconciliation should be commended not punished. Overcoming the worst adversity in M? That is something I shall be very proud of if we manage it - the only thing to be proud of from the result of an A.

[This message edited by OktoberMest at 4:04 AM, October 5th (Friday)]