SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good for you! If you start to waiver, just think of being in This Exact Same Place a year and a-half from now, three years from now, five years from now. Dont be that person.

It really is a simple statement. There is no place in our marriage for three people. Are you in or are you out? You are either married to me and we are exclusive in our relationship, or you are divorced and free to screw anyone you want. Choose now and live with the consequences. And then you make sure that you don't back down. You are not a second-choice woman. (((hugs)))

Someone said "feel the fear and do it anyway" and that is exactly where I am. I really don't want to do this and face the truth, I am scared to death. It's not going to get any easier though. You are so right about continuing to live like this another 1 1/2, 3 years, whatever. Not happening! I have my "Bitch boots" strapped on and I am going to do it whether I want to or not. I know it will hurt if he leaves but it will eventually scab over and heal. This back and forth just digs in deeper wounds. Thanks for the words, I really appreciate the honesty after being lied to so much.

(((Gotta2know)))

Welcome to SI. Your going to be OK. Strap those there boots on and stand your ground. Do not relinquish. If you fall we are here to help you up. You need a shoulder to cry on, you will find it here. You have an army behind you and some incredibly knowledgeable advisors. (A little blunt sometimes but caring) Keep strong and keep posting.

Strength to you.

This is the best choice for you and you will realize that one day.

He is not respecting you obviously, he does NOT feel remorse.

You know he will do his best to gaslight and get nasty. You have seen the truth with your own eyes.

I am in tears already thinking about this weekend. I have to do it! I want this misery to end. I feel like I have been robbed of enjoying my children, my life, everything. My energy goes to him, he sucks it all out of me and then gives it to her. I am mad as hell that he has treated me so badly. I can't believe the sappy love things he has said to me and then waits for me to get out of sight so he can contact her. I hope he finds himself all alone and depressed, he deserves to feel the sadness and hurt I've felt and will continue to suffer effects from. She is married and I think she intends to stay that way if her husband puts up with it. Not sure if my cheater has big future plans with her or not. I hope I am strong enough not to crumble when he attacks me during this conversation. He has a way of turning the tables on me and makes me the bad guy for stalking him, not trusting him and not going forward. I've told him repeatedly that he can look through anything of mine anytime he wants. I have nothing to hide. I've told him only the guilty feel like they are stalked.

If he attacks you for not trusting him..tell him he is untrustworthy.

Trust is earned,not given freely. You did that..gave your trust freely..and he destroyed that. And continuing to call,text,facebook,email,and meet up with his OW is NOT earning your trust back.

If he is mad because you wont move forward,tell him you refuse to move forward with a husband who has a girlfriend.

You are not stalking him. You are his wife. If he has a girlfriend,which he does,you have every right to know. This concerns YOUR life,and YOUR marriage.

Stay strong. I like those bitch boots on you...they look fabulous!

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:33 PM, October 12th (Friday)]

Those boots are made for walking, and that's just what you'll do, one of these days the boots will walk all over them. Sounded better in the song. Keep those boots on honey and if he gives you any trouble kick his ass with them.

I feel myself slipping not really wanting to have this confrontation. I reread all of your posts for strength, it helps. I have to tell myself over and over to "feel the fear and do it anyway". I dread the fighting. He always turns it on me and escalates it to where there is lots of yelling and then I am suddenly wanting to stay in the marriage. Don't ask me why. I want so much for him to just admit the truth of what's going and let me go. Why does he insist on dragging me along? I guess he's a "cake eater". I'm already trying to find ways to avoid the meltdown. I know the best way would be to throw him out. Why is it so hard?

Hmm... I used to post in the 'R' forum too, even though deep down I KNEW my WH wasn't remotely remorseful, that he thought 'staying' was doing me a great big favour because he had sacrificed 'the woman I love' (oh yes, that's what he called her to me). Nonetheless, I would have licked the road to keep him. Here's the biggie, though. He ran out eventually, and when he did I was 48. My brother said 'how can he leave you high and dry at your time of life'??? And I DID feel 'high and dry'... about as attractive as the scumline round a bathtub. That's how he'd left me. He told me that the weight I'd gained was 'very unappealing'. Where am I now 3 years on? No thinner (working on that). But in my own home, and in a fantastically passionate (2 years in) relationship with a man I love more than anyone I've ever met. Don't settle for this sort of crap. You don't know what's out there.

I hope Sunday goes ok.men just seem to think everything they do is ok and bugger anyone's else's feelings.good luck

Good luck- stay strong.

Checking on you and sending you so much strength today. Please be strong, we're all thinking of you.

Let us know how you are when you can.

You can do this, you must do this.

XXXOOO

Hi--I'm late, late to this but I'm wondering if you haven't had the "talk" yet if it might be better to wait until you have all of your ducks in a row first to protect yourself. I was in the same situation as you 6 years ago; and this was after I had caught him in a previous affair 10 years earlier. I would find stuff and ask him about it and he would deny. When I found out for sure I immediately threw him out and filed for divorce but looking back I wish I would have sat on the information, painful as it was, until I had made some plans that would have benefitted me more in the separation and divorce that followed. I also had not found this site yet. I would have done things differently had I not reacted so prematurely. Things that would have nailed his ass to the wall as well as his OW that would have made it very difficult for him to pretend that he was not the huge asshole that he is.

Sometimes holding your cards close turns out to be better than not, in the long run. But you have to do what's right for you. You're lucky you found this place at this time. There's a wealth of good information and advice from people who have been exactly where you are. As much as I'm glad you found us--I'm terribly, terribly sorry you're here.

Gotta2know:

Sorry I am coming in late to this conversation, but I think maybe I can help.

At the beginning of this thread, you posted about your fears - fears of being alone, never meeting someone else, etc. There are probably a few more mixed in there too.

You have been spinning your wheels trying to make your M work with a man who has two faces, maybe more. All your energy is being poured into, what is he doing, who is he doing it, and why the heck is he doing it all the while telling me he loves me and wants it to work? Crazy-making, mind-zapping, energy-tapping stuff!!!

You will be far better off, GUARANTEED, if you WORK THROUGH YOUR OWN FEARS rather than running in the opposite direction of them (which is right back into a M with a liar and a cheat.)

If you work through your own fears of being alone, with an IC, Life Coach, self help seminars, Divorce Support groups, whatever, then he will no longer have power over you.

I am 45, recently single, with two kids, a shitload of bills, and too many pets. I didn't have to make the tough decision to leave, because my X beat me to it. I know what it is like to hang on in the hopes that he will pull his head out of his ass and change.

Letting go is hard.

My X still hangs a dangling carrot of What if, or if you choose to follow me, suggesting he would be open to restarting a relationship in a year or so.

I have to let go of that thought every day. Because even though being alone isn't easy, it has a LOT of positives!!! Like not being treated like a pile half the time, not being taken for granted, not being left alone at home while he did what he wanted.

You can do this. If not now, then soon. Work with your fears, get your feet under you, then take the leap.

Love

HT

Had the confrontation yesterday! As usual he blames it all on me and pretty much accused me of making it all up. He is angry accusing me of stalking him and saying that I need to put more effort into our children instead of stalking him.

I tried to show him the proof but he changed his password. I printed it at work Friday but he doesn't know!

We got through the evening with our children not knowing what's going on. Friday I had also composed a letter about my feelings (not that he cares) but he never lets me get them out. I always end up cowering and not getting to say how I really feel. I gave him the letter and there was barely a response. He said he would leave after the kids went to bed but he didn't. I slept in the spare room and didn't say a word all night to him. I got ready for work this morning and didn't say a whole lot. He called me and text me on my way to work and since I've been at work, I think trying to draw me in. He is still denying and blaming me. I tried to tell him I would listen to whatever it is that is going on with her and that we can't fix it until he acknowledges it. He is doing the threatening to take me off all accounts and that fun stuff but I don't care there really isn't much there anyway.

His response is right out of The Standard Book of Spells for Cheaters.

Good for you for speaking up for yourself! This is the first step. Go 180 as he is going to intensify his pressure in you.

What is the Standard Book of Spells for Cheaters?

Just my term for the very common and usual excuses waywards use when they are actively cheating. Lies, deflection, gas lighting, blame shifting, etc.

Getting weak. Of course he's turning it on me and telling me that our kids need our attention, blach, blach. Never mind what HE has done to our family, it's all ME. I spend all my time stalking when I should be paying attention to my kids. Well my answer is instead of facebook he should be paying attention to our kids! WHATEVER! I feel so guilty. I know I shouldn't accept any of this but I do. I know he really doesn't want to divorce but he wants me to take all of the blame for everything. It's my fault I stalk, never mind he hasn't EARNED ANY trust. All I can say is she must be good.

Gotta, are you familiar with the concept of the 180? It is a strategy to assist you with healing and moving forward. Part of that strategy is NOT listening to that shit. Just because you are married does not give him license to berate you and lie to your face. The problem is not this supposed "stalking", it is the fact that he is cheating on you. Don't let him deflect.

Also, you don't have to have continual confrontations. Tell him that you are not going to discuss it further. If he continues contact with the OW, you will exit the marriage. And then walk away.

And I find his implication that you are a bad mother because you have caught him cheating to be abhorrent. Do NOT listen to that. Consider each statement of that nature to be poison. Don't let it into your system.