SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks Skan for that. I will probably need to be prepared as the shock of these words finally coming out of my mouth will make it hard to think straight. Still cant imagine it. But getting there.

Hi Everyone,

Last Sunday I sat down and told my H all of it. It was the hardest thing Ive ever done, I thought I was going to vomit beforehand, and my hands were shaking so bad as I sat there with him. And as I started to tell him, I couldn't believe this was me saying these words, dragging them out of the shadows and bringing them in to the light of day. My H lay there stunned and barely saying anything, there was the odd question but he was in shock. He did say later that day, before I had to go to work, that he didn't know what to do with all of this and that he didn't know whether he could stay with me. As hard as that was to hear, I completely understood.

My H lay around in an almost catatonic state for 2 days,and slept alot. My stomach was in turmoil, but underlying this was a feeling of pride in myself that I had done it, and also some peace in that I could not control the outcome. We have talked on and off throughout the week, made difficult to get decent chunks of time as work, kids need to be attended to.

But a week after Dday, we are doing Ok and although there has been some HB, we are feeling close. My H's anger and hurt is still there but we are talking through it and although he couldn't touch me for first couple of days, he allowed me to stay connected to him physically by touching and cuddling him when we slept. A big thing for him and he did appreciate me doing this, even if he couldn't.

Its going to be an ongoing conversation, but for the first time in my life, I have a feeling of the fear Ive always felt seeping away and the slow budding of self-respect that has been seriously lacking.

Being here on SI played a huge part in my decision to confess and a wise member wrote somewhere "it is the confession, not the priest, that gives absolution". It is so true.

I wish I had done this a long time ago, but I think I needed to do a few things first to get where I had the courage to do it, and letting go of the outcome, knowing I would be OK no matter what, was an important aspect.

So thank you SI, and everyone who has given me such encouragement, and the odd wee 2x4 (UO). Just what I needed to start the healing.

Holding myself accountable and telling the truth has created a space of real honest dialogue between me and my H and it has also given me the sense that if I can tell my H these terrible things I have done, and survive it, that I can do anything. It has made me examine my boundaries, and the patterns of not only my marriage, but all other relationships Ive had whereby infidelity played a role in every single one Ive ever had, me as WSO or BSO.

Lots of stuff to reflect on.

Hope it's not too corny to say that I admire your courage and it sounds like Anais Nin was spot-on.

"Our lives contract or expand in proportion to how much courage we have"

Good luck to you and Mr Oph

Thanks Cheerless, and no, its not too corny. It is immensely freeing to tell the truth and trust that no matter what happens, it will eventually be Ok. I am also cognisant that although its a relief to me, my H now has this information and its incredibly painful. He told me I had 'given' this to him to carry, and I replied that I hadn't handed it over and then left him emotionally to handle it. I am right here to comfort, answer any questions, talk through anything this brings up for us.

Its quite amazing and beautiful to me how the truth can clear away so much crap that sits between people. All I can do now is continue to examine myself, protect and foster my boundaries that have been so sadly lacking, and strive to be the honest, truthful, transparent, faithful person I deserve to be. And that applies to all relationships in my life.

I hope in time, and with a lot of love, kindness and work my H can agree with a quote I once read - "someone I loved gave me box full of darkness. It wasn't till years later that I realised this too was a gift".

Thank you for your kind words.

Yes, you gave it to him to carry and that may mean your journey toward R or D restarts. And of course he is suffering again because of what you unloaded.

But at some point you would have dropped that heavy load and both tripped over it. You wouldn't have wanted him to find out by tripping over his friend.

I'm happy (for lack of a better word--I'm obviously not happy about any of this) when my WH tells me something new he remembers about his A. He knows it will hurt me but he's getting the whole truth out there (as he remembers the little details) and that's building a tiny bit of trust. Unfortunately, I can't think of any other way to rebuild it right now.

You are right Cheerless. I have handed him a burden that has him reevaluating our entire marriage. Which is to be expected of course. I am vigilant to opportunities to bring my A's up, as my H does have a tendancy to rugsweep and avoid painful thoughts. Although he is getting better at sharing these when they come up.

On the 2nd or 3rd night, I realised he had not asked me about the last A I had, kissing a co-worker about 5 years ago. I told him I was nervous to bring it up, but as he hadn't mentioned it, did he actually hear me tell him, as I suspected my first 3 bombshells may have caused him to go into shock. I was right. He hadn't heard my last confession so we then discussed this and it was like hearing it for the first time for him. Bloody hard, but I was glad I hadn't tried to get away with using the excuse "but I did tell you", suspecting his brain in turmoil had blocked it out.

And yes, rather it all came from me than him finding out for his friend, or anybody else who knew about my A's.

As Ive seen on other threads, it does happen.