SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow. You can't win here. You have no right to tell anyone how to live but to forgive yourself, it sounds like you need to tell how you were living.

I am not nor have I have ever been in a program that requires one to right past wrongs, perhaps someone can help you here with that insight, but if you are genuine and you are not doing this to get even, this heart breaking news is something that some of us here believe we would want to know. At least now I would.

I don't know if i could have handled one more ounce of grief at or around DD.

This is a quote I recently read:

I Would Rather Be Hurt By the Truth Than Comforted By a Lie.

This is appropriate for this situation, I believe.

t/j dov46 ~ I will stand by that is what I would have only wanted to hear from the OW. And, that isn't what I heard, unfortunately.

As a BW I would want to know. My WH#2's OW told me both times. The first time I was in shock. The second time with false R, not so much shocked as hurt that he was still trying to hurt me even after he saw my pain from DDay#1. The second time she left me a note in my jewlery box, just saying she had been back in my home and the affair never ended. I don't know why she wanted me to know. The first time she was mad at him and was trying to break up the marriage. I am sure the second time it was for the same reason, but I am really not sure, hopefully it was guilt that made her do it. Either way, I am glad she told me or I would still be living in a false marriage thinking my husband loved me, when obvusly he didn't. He didn't love her either which is really the sad part. He used her for sex and the high he got from having his ego stroked. I think he actually wanted us to fight over him.

If you do decide to tell her, tell her why you are telling her. It won't make her like you any more, but it may give her some peace in the long run that you are no longer after her husband. Maybe they can start to really R if that is what she wants and he is willing to do the actual work.

Now you must work on yourself to make sure you never let yourself get in this situation again. It is not worth all the pain that everyone suffers, including yourself. Peace be with you as you make better life choices in the future. ((HUGS))

TG. Re this : hopefully it was guilt that made her do it.

You must be inherently decent and it sounds like no matter the intent but there was no honor in this....it was driven by malice or childishness. Not goodness or decency.

If OW said that to me right now, I don't think I'd believe her. I know she is upset that he won't talk to her, and I would think that was her motivation.

Having said that, I still think you should tell her. She is trying to build a new "honest" marriage and he is still not being honest. I also think he is counting on you to keep your mouth shut and it will be a good lesson for him when you don't. Additionally, I think if he feels like he "got away" with anything it might plant seeds that he could again.

When push comes to shove, if he was truly and completely remorseful, he would tell her himself. He wouldn't be able to stand continuing to lie. On the off chance that he has, you won't be telling her anything she doesn't already know.

BH here. Looking at your story and how the WH kept fishing and lying to his wife even after she found out, I am also in the camp that believes that she deserves to know the ugly fucking truth about her husband. You had enough sense and guts to end the A. But that guy clearly wanted to continue the cake-eating. Now that you have moved away, he will continue to fish and find some other woman. And his wife continues living the LIE.

I look at it as doing her a favour by telling her. She can make a choice based on the truth. Of course, it should not be to get revenge on your AP (that does not seem to be the case), but rather for the AP's wife to know the reality of her life.

OW called me to let me know WH was "fooling" around--supposedly he had broken it off.

As a BS I would want to know that WS was still lying to me, so I am on the side of letting her know.

As a BW I would want to know the truth as well. If you chose to tell her please do it with kindness and about her, not you or your guilt...because if you your pain that will shut her down (unless she asks). I've spoken to a couple of my WH's AP's - the first one from years ago was helpful in giving me inside info about what my WH was doing and I was able to hear her as she was nice and matter of fact; the most recent one was awful and even though I heard some of the things she said (that he's had a girl on the side our entire M) I couldn't take her seriously and went off on her.

The truth can really set you free and she deserves it. As a BW in false R, your gut still knows something is off and true healing of the M cannnot happen if that is what they are attempting.

I did want to say how proud I am that you have the courage to post about this and work on yourself.

As a BS that would want to know if my H was not being truthful, I feel she should know that he was not being honest.

I feel the truth always has a way of getting out. One way or the other. She should know what was happening in her life, so she can make her own choices. I am sure this won't be his last time to do this.

As a BW I'd rather know than not. Would I want to hear it form the OW? No, but I'd still rather know.

The more complicated thing, over which you have no control, is whether she believes you and/or whether her WH convinces her you are lying or fesses up. She may prefer to tell herself you are lying and she may call you a liar or worse. Or she may ignore you so that you have no way of knowing what happened. Please, if you do tell her, do not try and engage with them any further afterwards, no matter what provocation. You are no longer part of their lives and it is better for all of you if it stays that way, once you have told her.

Also, just a quick aside: Telling her won't make things right, you can't make this right and that's a consequence that you have to carry with you. But hopefully you are working on making better choices and learning to respect yourself.

Take care

[This message edited by Fidelia at 9:50 AM, March 14th (Thursday)]

I think his BW should know the truth, even if you, the OW is the one to tell her. Personally, I would prefer a letter written to me by the OW rather than a phone call with such painful news. It would give her a chance to receive the news and begin to process the devastation privately.

This would definitely be an example of you having to let go of the consequences. Even though she may not want or accept an apology, even if it's sincere, I would do that also. If it's the truth, tell her you will remain No Contact with her H forever.

You need to tell her, and try to be date and time specific as you can be. That way when she goes to confront her WH, she has enough ammo to know he's lying.

I agree with everyone else, the BW needs to know. And even if he's not with you, it doesnt mean that he's not with someone else and still cheating on her.

another BW who would want to know this. Please do not call her.. that won't go well.

Send her proof via email or snail mail. That will help her confront him, in the event that he tries to paint you as the "crazy" OW.

She deserves to know.

As a BS - you can bet your behind I would want to know. No, you are not the ideal or even just a bad source but a horrible source would be better than me believing a lie. Maybe I am just totally abnormal. To me - honesty comes before anything else as far as any chance for R with my WH. Anything less is my hard boundary now. So, again - yup - I sure would want to know.

Please tell; I would want to know.

But I wouldn't likely believe it without proof so as others have posted, send it to her with proof.

bbw

... oh and by the way... I wish every AP were as remorseful as you are. From what I've read it sounds like you will never allow anyone to make you "that person" ever again.

Kudos!

bbw

Hi Shameful1,

It's really great to have you here and I'm confident your journey will end with you as a happier, better person and a much more fulfilling life!

On this current topic, if I understand correctly, your WS/MM you had an affair with was discovered, but then convinced his BW that the affair was over, into reconciliation, etc. etc. but simply took the affair underground?

Yes, his BW needs to know this since he was lying and gas-lighting her, while conducting false R that entire time. That makes it pretty clear this guy does not deserve R nor really in R if that is how he conducted things.

The problem you face is that a BS will generally not believe the AP (i.e. you). And if her wayward husband was able to lie and gaslight her to believe they were in R, he will likely work his snake oil to convince her you're just being vindictive or jealous and making the whole thing up.

Do you have any proof? And of so, is there a way to get it to her anonymously? She deserves to know what she has gotten into and his true motives as these are important. He could very well start up another affair without his wife's knowledge if he was able to do this with you...

Anyways, good luck to you and welcome to SI!

I would like to add my voice to those that would want to know. What he has done with you he will do again and again with someone else. The BW needs to know.

Do you know what you want to gain from telling the BW.

I gain nothing by telling her. I out myself as being *that person* and I have to face the woman I have devastated. She does not know who I am, she only knows *a woman* existed.

For those who believe I should tell; do I do it by email or snail mail. The phone feels very inappropriate and I couldn't show her the proof. I do have proof. I have the texts, emails and IM logs from the time after he told her he went NC with me and after I left him in October.

I almost deleted everything, but I thought if he didn't go away I would need them.

I'm not sure what to do. I understand her having the right to know and being able to make choices about her future, but I also understand coming from me it is even more pain for her. I don't know anybody from their lives that I could have pass on the info for me.

I can't even figure out what I would write...

Why is anyone saying not to tell?

It makes you wonder why you are saying that.

IMO Shameful1, you should find a way to contact her and tell her. I know it will probably be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but she deserves to know. She already knows that her husband cheated, she just doesn't know what happened after she found out. She deserves to know.