SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your first priority should be to get custody of your child. You need to go to the court and do that ASAP.

^^^This is where all of your non-work energy needs to be focused right now. Do this immediately. Get this done before you consider anything that has to do with your fiancé.

A few thoughts about her text message.

1. This is how she feels today, or at the moment she sent the text...maybe. How will she feel tomorrow?

2. Yes, she does need help, but there's no help that you can provide. It's not as though she came to you with a plea for help BEFORE she betrayed you. No. She's making you her Plan B, her backup guy. Her affair partner (AP) and she must have gotten into an argument. She's feeling a bit down. Wait 15 minutes. They'll make up and then she's back to her Plan A. Does that sound like a fun game to play?

3. In her first text, she told you herself, "I'm afraid I can never change." Translation: "Heads up. I will never change. I'm really fucked up. You have no idea how badly I'm fucked up. I actually don't want to change, but I feel a little bit bad about hurting you, but, hey, that's me. I'm a mess and probably always will be. Leave me, for your own good. I will hurt you again and again if you don't."

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FoolishBeliever, You are at what will probably be the lowest point of your life right now, emotionally. But, you're a survivor. Exhibit A evidence of that. You've done a great thing for yourself by finding this web site.

Take care of your son. Take care of you. Get rid of her immediately. Keep posting here. You'll get through this. You will. I did, just like many others. Strength to you, my friend.

Everything you guys are saying makes total sense, and if it wasn't for you words I would most likely be giving in to her now.

She telling me she's moving to the country to live with her friend for a month, and sending me sprawling text messages about memories from our past. But in my mind she sure didn't remember all of that crap while she was sleeping with the other guy, and making my life hell, and she'll be over it and back to whatever is easiest.

I don't even believe her about where she says shes living now. I feel like she is only saying this because it all came out in the open and she can't keep me in the background for safety anymore.

I still hurt for many reasons, I feel like less of a man, I feel sorry for my son that his mom is crazy.

As far as custody of my son goes, I currently don't have the funds for an attorney. But I do know that she signed over full custody of her other son willingly. So I'm wondering if I should ask her to do the same for me. Or wait and save money to do it the normal way.

I know for sure I will not let her back in my life anytime soon, but if a year or two or three go by and she has fixed her broken self, I don't know, I feel I would still be afraid, and not able to trust her. I know for sure that what I need to do now is focus on financial success and the happiness of my son and I. And that any woman I meet or date in the future will be held at arms length.

I think you have a very good plan of action, particularly with reference to your son.

Your WW is the type of person who needs lots of male attention and I will lay a bet that she is not going to spend a month in the country with a female friend, rather another affair, or continuation of the current one.

You will never be able to trust this person; she will not and cannot stop cheating. Save yourself future pain and write her out of your life.

Most attys will give a free consultation.

If you can get her sign over custody of your child,, please do that. You can always give her more visiation later. This is probably a great time to get that because she feels so guilty.

Protect your child is your number 1 priority in your life now.

I still hurt for many reasons, I feel like less of a man, I feel sorry for my son that his mom is crazy.

Whoa. Full stop. Right now. There is NO reason for you to feel like less of a man. Her actions have absolutely nothing to do with you - and everything to do with her and her broken self. I have a snarky term for women that operate on her frequency (hope you don't take offense), I call them "attention whores". Willing to do anything and everything to get more validation from more men. There will never be enough men or attention to fill that hole in her soul. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Your son? The woman that gave birth to him probably is, in fact, disordered. If you play your cards right (ie: get custody NOW!), he will probably never really suffer much damage from her.

Given her track record, I seriously doubt that she will ever grow up and pull her head out of her ass.

You need to take the bull by the horns and take charge about the custody thing NOW, before she cycles into yet another version of herself. Find out if there is low cost (or no-cost) legal help available to you. Get some free consultations. Do whatever it takes!

And....go NC with her, like right now. She's toxic, and trying to reason with a person like that is like trying to sober up a drunk with tequila. Impossible.

In addition to all the wonderful advice you have already received.

I know for sure I will not let her back in my life anytime soon, but if a year or two or three go by and she has fixed her broken self, I don't know,

In a year or two or three you will find yourself a different person. Someone who is stronger and healthier for a true relationship. Please make sure you dont let yourself 'wait' for her. You deserve better.

So much great advice for you so far.

As others have stated please go see a lawyer YESTERDAY and start working on getting full custody of your son.

Do NOT believe anything this woman tells you. She has shown you who she truly is so BELIEVE her. All the texts you receive are all bullshit designed to keep you as a back up plan. Don't be anyone's back up plan. This is going to be very hard but you need to do your best to get this woman out of your mind. She is NOT safe for you or yrou child.

So:

1) Go see a lawyer immediately to start getting full custody of your son.

2) Go No Contact with her immediately. So don't respond to texts emails or calls.

3) Go get tested for STD's as soon as you can.

4) Talk to some people in real life to establish a support system for yourself.

5) post often it really does help.

6) you are not married, you may not realize it now but at soem point in the future you will be so thankful that you avoided this landmine. Right now the only thing you have to legally deal with is the custody or your child and child support. Get a lawyer and listen to the lawyer. Do not let your feelings get in the way. Dealing with lawyers is all about taking care of business.

7) THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

No matter what she says she is the broken person not you. Believe me when I say all of us understand where you are right now. I felt the same way almost 2 years ago and I can tell you that it does get better. So make sure you eat something, stay hydrated, and take care of yourself and your child. If you can't eat buy protein shakes and drink them. And try to get some exercise even if it's jsut walking. Take care, you will get through this.

Please listen to the advice you have received from other BS's here and see a lawyer to protect your child's wellbeing.

As for her texts, if she truly wants to R (reconcile) and more importantly if YOU want to R, she has to roll up her sleeves and do the work, not just say she's sorry. That means NC (no contact) with the OP (other person), transparency in your relationship, counseling, et cetera -- whatever YOU need to feel safe. Otherwise, you're just setting yourself up for more heartbreak. Trust me, I know.

((hugs))

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 9:15 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]

that she signed over full custody of her other son willingly

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NOW might be the best time to do the same. While she is in "the fog", and not really thinking clearly (not sure if she can). The old saying "strike while the iron is hot" just might apply here for you.

You are doing great. You will be OK, no matter what.

Sending strength

God what is wrong with me,

For some stupid reason this betrayal is causing me so much more pain than what I have ever felt before. I guess because we spent everyday together. I know that no matter what I will survive, but I feel so damn lonely. I'm doing my best to keep my son happy, but I feel so drained. Before this happened I was working out 3 - 5 times a week, building muscle, studying for a certification, going to work, spending time with my son, and now I can barely get one of those done in a day without feeling completely drained.

I know its dumb to be so damn upset. I really did love her,I felt happy, I was naive. I'm so tired of her sending me messages about how she is so sad about all this and so sorry. It means nothing. Shes only upset that I'm not there to be her backup plan.

I guess the hard part for me is I don't make friends very easily. I usually stay very quiet when I meet people and just listen to them, which usually leads to me being ignored or talked over by loud people. But once I get to know someone I'm actually a funny and happy person. My one saving grace is I do go out to house parties and get together with my younger brother (22) who is very outgoing, and has lots of friends. But I feel like a tag along.

at this moment I don't have a single friend that I actually see on any type of regular basis. which makes me feel like a freak. I had way too much invested into the relationship and now I'm paying the price for that bad investment.

On the topic of custody, shes agreed to the idea of signing him over though initially she responded by saying she just didn't want to talk about it. So I know I need to take the steps to actually get that done ASAP. Before she transitions into a different personality again.

Thanks for all the kind and supportive words. I try to be a strong person. I feel like a shadow of myself right now.

It's not dumb to be as upset as you are. You're grieving the loss of a love.

(((((Foolishbeliever)))))

I feel exactly the same as you do most of the time FB. The betrayal hurts you so badly because you are a loving person. You loved someone more than just about anything else and they stabbed you right in the back and through your heart. You've been betrayed in the worst way by the closest person you know. All you are feeling is completely normal.

I hope you can have an outlet for someone to talk to. Talking to people (and taking up smoking lots of cigarettes) has been my biggest help through all this as well as reading in here. Post more, dump the thoughts from your brain here. At times I have to get it all out. I have been texting my good friend (who is an SI member and mad hatter) constantly. He is just over a year out from his DDay and he has helped me through my hardest times. Talking to those that know this pain is vital IMO. Keep talking here.

You are making the right choices right now. NC is the absolute best thing for you and you son right now. You can't fix them. Their words are weightless. Actions are all that matter and her actions say plenty right now.

[This message edited by Brokenheart777 at 7:26 PM, April 12th (Friday)]