I guess, for me, it feels like there are major pieces missing. I *hope* he will give me everything, but I doubt I will get it. WS is going back and forth between either crying on my sofa or being belittling and condescending. So, he is struggling with something as this isn't typical behavior from him. I know him well enough to know something is really bothering him. He hasn't cried in front of me since D-day, 3 years ago. So, I am hoping by pushing him just a little, it will come out. I'm not counting on it, just hoping.
My fSO and I had a...rocky...relationship. We started as friends at a MeetUp, and tried to hold back for 2 months or more. (This all went down this time last year.) We both knew he wasn't ready, he is a widower with 4 kids and it was very recent when we met. So, there was a lot of push/pull on his end, and me obviously not quite ready to let him in...partially because of myself and partially because I knew he wasn't ready. It ended last June, we knew it had to end, but I missed him terribly and was heartbroken. We ran into each other about 6 week later, and he seemed to be hinting at getting back together, and then he poofed again. I reacted by pulling all the way back, and started dating.
I've actually dated a fair amount, but really not meeting anyone who really caught my interest. Just before Christmas, I found out fSO was dating someone and it appeared serious. I was happy for him, but we didn't stay in contact at all. At the beginning of January, he sent one of my friends a message that he wanted to talk to me, and I sent him an email. He asked my advice about his relationship, sorta, and told me he was pushing/pulling this new girl the same. Apologized for how he treated me. I told him to let the new girl go, obviously he didn't love her, and to get his ass into therapy to work through why he was struggling. Never heard back from him, which is typical, and I was (at the time) dating someone and didn't really think twice.
So, end of February, I saw he looked at my Match.com profile. He sent me an email, and we did the "how are the kids...." check in. Then, a few days later he contacted me again and said he wanted to be friends. I said we could try. So, we have just been emailing/texting each other for...4 or 5 weeks now. Nothing serious, missed connections, not really able to find a time to meet. Both kinda dating others.
Then, last week, after a few beers he started texting me and it turned into 3 hours of him confessing how much he missed me, loves me, but is absolutely terrified of love. Beyond terrified. He is in therapy (IC,family and group) and is working his ass off to heal. (He said that what I told him in the email in January gave him the strength to end his relationship and focus on himself.) He literally said he avoids me because he is afraid to fall in love with me. So, it is confusing for me understand his fears. I'm trying. We have plans for coffee on Friday and we need to go very slowly and stay friends while he finishes his healing process. It is very confusing for him to fall in love with me, and deal with the death of his wife, now pushing 2 years ago. Their relationship was not good, but he did love her. So, there is guilt he has to work though.
He is different than last year. He is able to tell me his feelings (albeit tipsy....), yet confirmed twice sober that is how he feels. He is able to tell me he is scared and why he avoids me, and he is very serious about his therapy. So, I see some big changes in him, but he isn't ready yet. All of his emotional work is going into healing, he isn't ready to put emotional work into a relationship yet. I am well aware and we are just going to keep it very slow. Very. Like snails. Almost dead snails.
I want to finish on me. I feel very over WS. I just need to figure out why I keep men at a distance. I don't let them "in". I can date, and play with them, but they aren't allowed "in".