SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think this

But, then it makes me go back to....why? Why did it scare me? AM I terrified to let a guy in? If I'm over what WS did, then why? G is the only guy I dated that "got in" at all.

is where you should be focusing your energy, not on your ex.

Also, rebuilding trust and the like isn't something that's easy or straightforward. Not being ready to trust doesn't mean you're not over your ex or what he did - the two aren't necessarily sides of the same coin. And the path isn't usually linear.

for what it's worth, I think that this is pretty spot on:

You can tell your story. What you're asking for is his story.

But I also think you are asking yourself many of the correct questions:

But, then it makes me go back to....why? Why did it scare me? AM I terrified to let a guy in? If I'm over what WS did, then why? G is the only guy I dated that "got in" at all.

And I think focusing on those questions, not the ones surrounding the whole story from the ex.. those are the questions you will get somewhere with.

I see your point. In my head, it is all interconnected. I'm not letting the guys "in" because of something that isn't healed. I "trusted" G in the traditional sense, I never felt he was cheating on me....but I didn't "trust" him enough to let him all the way in sexually.

Fodder for my IC, I guess. I'm trying to tackle this stuff more on my own now. Not relying on IC as much.

It is all interconnected. If you burn yourself on the stove and you are scared to cook, the stove can't really answer your fears for you. If you get comfortable on the cooktop, what do you need to open the oven door and reach inside again without fear? Some oven mitts and some courage.

So to carry this analogy full circle, when you are ready to face this particular fear, do it with all the tools at the ready... have a shower, be comfortable, be safe, and then find your courage!

WHEN you are ready. This is not a sprint, this is trust and trust is built over ...... (wait for it......) TIME.

I know the analogy is weak. The stove is inanimate. Rejection is personal. But I think in this case the gay ex husband burned you as carelessly as the stove. It was NEVER about you. You got burned because he had issues that made him dangerous to you to love and care about and trust. You got burned by a stove really... in the way I see it. How many times do we tell the BS it isn't you? It isn't your fault? you don't deserve this? still true.

cmego, I'm not up-to-speed on all of the aspects of your new relationship, but one thing that struck me was when you spoke about oral sex. I think that your X has given you a serious complex in this realm that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Your X didn't want to do *that*, and so he came up with whatever type of excuse he could in order to get out of it...including making it *your* issue. If a guy tells you that he's fine with it and wants to do *it*, then take him at his word.

As far as asking for the entire truth from your X...I *get* that. As a matter of fact, I refuse to have any type of conversation outside of pure logistics for the very reason that Sultan played *keep-away* with the truth for so long. I have no desire to have anything outside of a frighteningly civil and abrupt relationship with anyone that *plays* so readily with my life. If he wants to lie and play games with me...then he can go pound sand.

(((cmego)))

The emotional and mental abuse that went on in my marriage was staggering. The physical rejection seems to be lingering, though. So many years of just being rejected on every level.

I had the same thing. My WS is a SA. He couldn't have sex with me. He came up with every excuse in the book to avoid sex. I walked around topless and he wouldn't even look at me. Then he tried to pressure me into 3somes and exhibitionism. And he was very cruel during sex. I used to O easy and now it is more difficult because of the crap he pulled.

Your new guy needs to understand this and be gentle with you. Mine told me he will work with me as long as it takes and he is constantly reassuring me about stuff. It is much easier to give yourself completely when you feel "safe" with the person. I am thinking maybe you don't feel completely safe with your guy at this point. I know I could not completely let go with my new guy if I didn't feel completely safe. But I have let go with this one more than any other in the past because he does everything in his power to make me feel safe and secure. It makes a HUGE difference.

I'm sorry for the damage your WS idiot did. It isn't permanent though. It can be worked thru with a loving and caring partner.

((cmego)) don't expect in divorce what you didn't get in your M.

You're right, you DO deserve the whole truth - we all do.

You have your truth. Unfortunately you also have some hang ups from that toxic M. They aren't permanent - you weren't born with them. You can overcome them.

The wondering will make you crazy if you let it. I've accepted I'll never know the whole truth for the same reason I never knew the real him. They are simply incapable of giving either.

Yeah, I understand that WS's choices have nothing to do with me, they were his choices. But, the fallout is an altered sense of reality and myself.

I'm still processing...keep em coming.

You will not get the entire truth. Youmay get some of the truth ... the truth as he sees it, but you will never get the entire truth.

My ex promied me "the truth" after we went to Retrovaille and were supposedly in R. He did tell me a great deal, but it was - by no means - everything.

Hearing his "confession" seemed necessary to me... and maybe it would have been if were were to ever R. But really? All it did was send me down a rabbit hole of "if only" and it served to make him feel like some kind of hero in his own mind..

Don't do this to yourself.

Wolf

I guess, for me, it feels like there are major pieces missing. I *hope* he will give me everything, but I doubt I will get it. WS is going back and forth between either crying on my sofa or being belittling and condescending. So, he is struggling with something as this isn't typical behavior from him. I know him well enough to know something is really bothering him. He hasn't cried in front of me since D-day, 3 years ago. So, I am hoping by pushing him just a little, it will come out. I'm not counting on it, just hoping.

My fSO and I had a...rocky...relationship. We started as friends at a MeetUp, and tried to hold back for 2 months or more. (This all went down this time last year.) We both knew he wasn't ready, he is a widower with 4 kids and it was very recent when we met. So, there was a lot of push/pull on his end, and me obviously not quite ready to let him in...partially because of myself and partially because I knew he wasn't ready. It ended last June, we knew it had to end, but I missed him terribly and was heartbroken. We ran into each other about 6 week later, and he seemed to be hinting at getting back together, and then he poofed again. I reacted by pulling all the way back, and started dating.

I've actually dated a fair amount, but really not meeting anyone who really caught my interest. Just before Christmas, I found out fSO was dating someone and it appeared serious. I was happy for him, but we didn't stay in contact at all. At the beginning of January, he sent one of my friends a message that he wanted to talk to me, and I sent him an email. He asked my advice about his relationship, sorta, and told me he was pushing/pulling this new girl the same. Apologized for how he treated me. I told him to let the new girl go, obviously he didn't love her, and to get his ass into therapy to work through why he was struggling. Never heard back from him, which is typical, and I was (at the time) dating someone and didn't really think twice.

So, end of February, I saw he looked at my Match.com profile. He sent me an email, and we did the "how are the kids...." check in. Then, a few days later he contacted me again and said he wanted to be friends. I said we could try. So, we have just been emailing/texting each other for...4 or 5 weeks now. Nothing serious, missed connections, not really able to find a time to meet. Both kinda dating others.

Then, last week, after a few beers he started texting me and it turned into 3 hours of him confessing how much he missed me, loves me, but is absolutely terrified of love. Beyond terrified. He is in therapy (IC,family and group) and is working his ass off to heal. (He said that what I told him in the email in January gave him the strength to end his relationship and focus on himself.) He literally said he avoids me because he is afraid to fall in love with me. So, it is confusing for me understand his fears. I'm trying. We have plans for coffee on Friday and we need to go very slowly and stay friends while he finishes his healing process. It is very confusing for him to fall in love with me, and deal with the death of his wife, now pushing 2 years ago. Their relationship was not good, but he did love her. So, there is guilt he has to work though.

He is different than last year. He is able to tell me his feelings (albeit tipsy....), yet confirmed twice sober that is how he feels. He is able to tell me he is scared and why he avoids me, and he is very serious about his therapy. So, I see some big changes in him, but he isn't ready yet. All of his emotional work is going into healing, he isn't ready to put emotional work into a relationship yet. I am well aware and we are just going to keep it very slow. Very. Like snails. Almost dead snails.

I want to finish on me. I feel very over WS. I just need to figure out why I keep men at a distance. I don't let them "in". I can date, and play with them, but they aren't allowed "in".

Reading the entire thread for the first time I am struck by the evolution in your thought processes from your first post here to this most recent one. It sounds like you have moved from "I need the entire of WH's story to heal" to "I need to heal". And that is cool.

Knowing is a process and you can discover the reasons for keeping men at arm's length a little bit at a time. I don't know that we ever completely figure everything out and move on with it never coming up again. It doesn't really work that way. I know it doesn't work that way for me. And knowing it will keep coming up, makes me feel less "broken" when it does come up.

Each time it comes up, we have a chance to make some sense of it, learn a new part of the lesson, deal with it now, AND know that just because it comes up again doesn't mean we aren't healing. KWIM?

You are already okay...this is just another piece to life's puzzle, you don't have to have it all "healed" to be healing...

I think I'm also frustrated that I allowed him to hurt me. I am frustrated that he still "wins" because I am still hurt. Does that make sense? I want to be all healed, and I feel like I"m missing something for that to happen. Then I'm angry because I have to do this in the first place, and deal with a new life, new issues, trying to date all while working on myself. AND be nice to the asshole that did all of this to me. Forever taking the high road so everyone is happy.

Well, I didn't this weekend. He asked to bring the kids home 2 hours early so he could go to a party...and I told him no. NO. Fucking figure it our for yourself.

I also wonder if being in a good, stable, relationship will simply heal these last layers. Fully letting someone in, all the way. I am almost 2.5 years from S, over 3 from d-day, and I haven't really let anyone in.

Thanks, you guys

after a few beers he started texting me and it turned into 3 hours of him confessing how much he missed me, loves me, but is absolutely terrified of love.

He is able to tell me his feelings (albeit tipsy....), yet confirmed twice sober that is how he feels. He is able to tell me he is scared and why he avoids me

Drunk texting. Avoidance issues. Terrified of love.

He may make you *feel* good ... but right now it doesn't sound like he'd be any good for any woman.

A man with intimacy issues is NOT the right man to help you with yours. Neither broken hubby nor broken SO.

nah, I'm not using either to help me. I'm working on me.

WS sent me a message that after we filed...he will "give me something". I have no idea if he will fully fess up or not. But, I will know how much is real or not. I lived it, I have my hunches, so even if I get a few more pieces to the puzzle, I think I will feel better. Weirdly, knowing I wasn't crazy, that there IS more, already makes me feel better. Not once has WS said, "I've already told you everything", which is what he has told me for years. I *knew* there was more, and I already have confirmation. Part of me wonders when he sends it to me, if he really does, if I will actually open it.

SO and I are just trying for friends. He has a lot to work through on his end. Until he is more stable, I'm not interested in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, it is nice to hear a man tell you he loves you, but I want him to say it to me in person, sober...and I told him that. He said it scares him. I've told him I will know when he is no longer scared of me, otherwise...friends.