SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

try 2 avoid it.it can be hard.i've caved myself.i think it just sets you back a little from truly moving on.

So I've been back to keeping to myself for a couple days (or a few? i've lost track). I feel much calmer and all the sad scary stuff feels a lot farther away. And I've been very productive at work.

It's really the attitude--if I have to communicate with her about my daughter, say, it's not that bad, because I'm keeping it brief and going back to my life afterwards.

Well done,, I like your attitude

Keep up the NC, it really does work. FR

Like someone here told me. If what you did made you feel like crap, Next time you know you should not do it again next time. I danced with my X once at a club and I will never put myself in that situation again. I was horrible for days. But some people don't know until they have hit the truth. I hope you did.

I think at the stage you are in now, you do need very strict boundaries. I don't totally agree that you need No Contact though when you have a child. No kid, yes total no contact. Kid, it depends upon what you want the situation to look like a few years down the road.

It does change over time. I'm almost 7 years out and my ex and I are quite friendly now and I'm very comfortable with it. And it's great for the kids to see how we get along, work together for them, etc.

I do agree too much friendliness in the beginning is confusing with a child that age.

I don't think a minute or two of chit-chat at pick-up is a horrible thing though. You probably don't want to do family dinners or anything!

I have always been somewhat open about talking about my kids with him--I want to know special things that happen at his house, so I've shared special moments that happen at my house.

Be careful, but do think about what you want co-parenting to look like a few years down the road.

Irony, that's good advice. I have been thinking a lot about how I want things to be for DD.

I think just keeping things businesslike, like we are coworkers, is best for now. It can be friendly. Our daughter sees that we're friendly to each other, and I think that's helping her.

We also went to a joint session with a psychologist to see if there's anything we can do to help our daughter that we're not already doing, and also the psychologist is going to see her at least a couple times. Stuff like that I'm okay with. But I just don't want to be doing things I don't need to that cause my feelings to go back into 'oh everything's back to the way it was' mode.. that hurts.

(Edit was: yeesh, I accidentally put my daughter's name in for a second towards the top..took it out.)

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 11:53 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]

I am dealing with the same thing here. I also noticed I talked to the ex more when I was feeling isolated and low. What I found happening though, was he was getting the impression that I was opening up to him and possibly willing to R. Ummm. NO.

It also made me backslide from firm boundaries, and everyone wound up confused.

I couldn't move forward in my life with him in it, in any way, other than co parent.

I don't want to share my life, How I spend my time, plans for my future,ect.. with him. That led to very controlled conversations, that I felt I had to censor what I said. It was awkward, and I know he does it too, but he is used to "withholding information", lol. (Lying!)

Sheese. I need to make a new best friend! :)

[This message edited by Safeguard at 5:32 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

I can't talk/see my XH because it takes a toll on me also. Just hearing about stuff from my children hurts me also.

I finally turned a page when I made the decision that XH NEVER gets to see me. I don't even go outside when the children are picked up. We communicate by email.

Maybe later we can chit chat, but it was hurting me SO SO SO bad.

C=hurts

NC=no new hurts.

Thank God you got custody of your child!!!!!

Be gentle with yourself because it is a process.

I thought at first that we could go do something together as a family. Like attend something and have a meal together. NO. PAIN. I realized he deserved nothing of MY emotional life and it got much better. Businesslike and about our kids. Me giving him good information about the kids also meant that I got good information about the kids--but some people won't be so fortunate. Some people are dealing with SUCH nasty people that no matter how civil they are the situation can't be helped.

So you do have to feel your own way. My mantra for years was "kids and finances".

Now I could go sit down in a restaurant and share a meal with the four of us--no big deal at all. He might irritate me sometimes, but I'm sure he would do it a lot more if we were together!!

I'm happy with my life and that helps a great deal.