SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your WH sounds a lot like mine. Sorry. Friendly people pleaser, yes? My WH is also "soul mates" with his AP, who he is now living with.This is because of the praise. He loves it, just eats it up. Such babies, these guys.

I have gone NC on him, and he is finally acting remorseful, according to friends who have seen him weeping.

Can you order him out, and cut off contact for a while? Tell him if he's serious about R then he needs to go straight to IC, write the NC letter to AP.

So sorry you're going through this. It sucks.

(((hugs)))

I think he is still in contact with her. I believe the emails she is sending to the account,the one only you have the password to,are fake. He has told her you have the password,so she is still emailing him to make you think they are not in contact. He has told you her BH might get violent..and coincidentally she sends him an email saying the same thing. They're talking.

Tell her husband. You dont need your husband's permission to tell his girlfriend's husband that his wife is cheating on him. The poor man deserves to know,just as you did/do. Do not tell your WH. Just do it. Since she knows you know,she is watching her BH's email and facebook,waiting to intercept anything you send him. Call him. Tell him the truth. If you have evidence..which you do..the emails she has sent to your WH...tell him you will forward everything to his account. Save a copy for yourself.

Im so sorry. You have been through more than enough. Your WH is NOT a nice man. A nice man doesn't do this to his wife when she is in a crisis. A good father doesn't destroy his children's mother.

(((LearningToFly))))

When we went to counseling Tuesday, he was told to write her a letter to end it. We were arguing today and I asked if he had written it. He said he was too busy but he would soon. I told him that knowing how much this has hurt me and telling me that he was going to try to save our marriage should have lead him to write the letter that night. He got mad. He says a lot of words but his actions don't match.

He brought me a letter. It said. . .

"Returning your gifts. I'm working on my marriage. No more contacts."

Is this enough? I didn't think so. I told him that he should tell her that what they did was wrong. He wrote

"I'm returning your gifts. What we did has hurt my marriage: I need to give my all to it. There should be no more contact."

I am still not satisfied. Am I being to picky? What do you think? Does he sound sincere. I don't think he is. He told her many times that he wanted to feel like he gave his all to the marriage before divorcing me and being fully with her. It sounds to me like he is still saying that to her. Am I paranoid?

"I have realised I have made a terrible choice in having an affair with you. From this point onwards I will have no contact with you. I am in love with my wife and our marriage is now my priority."

Or along the lines of that...

You know why his letter isn't sufficient.

I don't think he could write that he is in love with me. He is really angry that I brought up the letter. I could tell that he didn't want to write it. He didn't write it willingly. Now I wish I had just let it sit until we went to counseling again and he could tell the counselor why he didn't write it.

I feel guilty that I don't think its good enough. It doesn't sound like he means it to me. It will just make him angrier if I ask him to write another. He is already sick of me talking about how he has hurt me with what he did. He says he did it because he wanted validation and acceptance and I didn't give it to him. I am still not giving it to him. He thinks I should just shut up and try to meet his needs. I am trying to be strong so I dont' go back and continue to be treated like an afterthought if anything.

Learningtofly...know you are sleeping. I am just getting back to our house from a movie and it is still evening.

When you go to a lawyer, have your questions with you as, for me, the stress was un-nerving. You need to know what rights you have, as it varies state to state in the US. Not sure of the ages of your kids but the care they need, seems to be of concern too.

Be proactive, if you stay or if you go...what rights, what support for you and your kids, how assets are divided, does your state have a no-fault divorce/separation or not(some do but still have financial penalties when a spouse is or has been in an affair---it was news to me!)

I had lots of questions and it was the best money I spent that I did not have!! Due to our situation, wanted to know about "alienation of affection" laws in our state as I was wanting to lay that on the other woman, but not where I live.

Take some time to think before you go.

About the no contact letter, make sure you "know" it was done...and how. My WS was going to personally deliver it---I said "NO WAY" and it was sent by registered mail.

(When I outed the OW to her spouse, I related about the no contact letter being sent by registered mail)

You do have a whole lot on your plate...grief from many perceptives and family issues. Remember, it is hard to help others until you take care of yourself...even the airline personnel tell us to put our oxygen on first, then help others.

You will survive it, so many wonderful people on this site have and are helping many of us through the healing process or the other options.

I understand about giving "passes" to long term spouses, but an affair does not deserve a "pass". None of us are perfect or without self esteem issues or wanting to look good. Guess the betrayal, deception and lies that an affair involves takes alot out of a person, a marriage, relationships and the people it hurts. My WS admitted when he got out of his fog, that a weight was lifted off his shoulders...but he did nothing to stop it until I and one of our children saw text messages and emails between him and OW. Reality hit him hard and his life was totally out of control.

That was 8 months of hell ago...but we are still together and working toward resolve. Never thought I would get through it, but I have and know I will....the worse pain my soul has ever experienced. YOU will make it through to whatever you decide....do take care of yourself, please!

Lots of hugs

LTF

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink". Don't try and nice him, he's no prize. Needs etc.. Is he meeting yours?

Anyway, if he doesn't love you, it demonstrates he doesn't know a corked wine (ow) to a classic (you).

I hope you are thinking about a lawyer.

He acts like a child? Ignore him

Play smart not hard.

Good luck

[This message edited by lauren123 at 1:00 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

He needs to grow a pair. Simple.

This:

On dday, FWH called OW and left this message on her answer machine: "Diva knows everything. I am not coming back. I am staying in Devon with my wife. I will continue to pay you the money (long story) as agreed". and put the phone down.

He gets a call from a chum he's made in his other life with the f***pig. The caller says, "You will probably get a call from f***pig, will you take it?" FWH says, "No, I can't"

These are NOT the words of a man who is intent on severing the A completely are they? In my case, H didn't want the Cee U Next Tuesday that he had been screwing to think that that is exactly what he was!

I had to suffer another 5 months of his 'talk without action' as she contacted him every month through even his new changed email, to say 'thankyou for the money' as he paid her every month.

I finally gave him the choice, loan to pay the bitch off, solicitor to send a NC letter or I would be using that solicitor myself in D proceedings. THAT changed the tune a little bit!

H looks back now and says he was definately caught in the headlights of discovery and couldn't see. Tough. Now he does.

A NC letter is ESSENTIAL to any possibility of R in my opinion, and should be written in the presence of the spouse according to the criteria the spouse sets out.

Your H is still full of himself.

(((LTF)))

Your story is very similar to mine. My WH saw himself as 'Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky' and a knight in shining armor and I was reserved, depressed and hard to talk, yet too independent. We also went thru 5 years of trauma; both of my parents died, his step-mother died, BIL had cancer, etc...

My WH hooked up with a woman (married with 3 kids under the age of 10) from college in mid-August last year. By the beginning of September he wanted a divorce. (Literally was willing to leave his family within 3 weeks from their first phone call). We tried consulting, we tried HB, we tried a trial separation but the fog of the A was thick and addictive. (They both said that what they were feeling was 'more than love' or MTL and she needed my WH to rescue her from her abusive BH.) The A went underground with secret emails, throw-away phones and clandestine meetings.

At first I lost myself. I couldn't work, I never laughed...I was barely a functioning human. I spent days trying to figure out what I did or didn't do to make the man I loved turn to someone else. I was the poster child for the infidelity diet, losing 48 lbs in 6 weeks. I eventually got myself together enough to see a lawyer and do other things for the D that I was sure was in my future.

It took a long time for the haze of the greatest pain I have ever felt to lift, but it happened...slowly, but it also made me stronger than I've ever been. I've been thru 5 false attempts at R because I wanted my family back. After the last false R I was ready to let my marriage go. Not my family but my marriage. For me the old saying "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be' worked. The second my WH realized that I was truly DONE his A fog burned off quickly.

My suggestion to you is to sit back and take some deep breaths, then start the process of making yourself stronger. Keep eating, keep getting fluids into you. Go for walks. Hang out with your kids and with people that will support 'you'. Do as much as possible to make yourself feel better, and more importantly..SAFE.

The best advice I got after the initial DDay was to not make any important decisions for at least 6 months. That advice saved me from having knee-jerk reactions to some stupid shit.

Take care and keep on posting. PM if you ever just need to talk.

Mack

I agree that letter to OW is underwhelming. I'm so sorry. He doesn't seem like he even wants to send a NC letter at all. Why would he be angry about you requesting he let OW know he loves you, and regrets hurting you?

Great post from Mack, solid advice,concisely written!

He keeps saying that my words devastate him. He agrees with what I say but he says my way of communication isn't okay. I am trying my best.

I think he is trying his best too. I think his best is that of a spoiled child. He wants to be able to do whatever he wants and not have to be responsible for it.

He says he is hurting too so he can't be there for me. That has been the story of our lives together. He takes care of himself and asks me to take care of myself and him too.

Having an affair is selfish,and he is still being selfish and wayward in his thinking.

Find your bitch boots and 180 his ass.

Hang in there Learning, and don't be deterred by the OW's "abusive husband" garbage. I found an email from my WW's OM that suggested he was concerned for her safety. It's nonsense, I've never raised a hand to my wife in 17 years of marriage. But idealizing the BS isn't really how things go in an affair, otherwise they'd be even harder to justify. Thank God my WW has seen the light and is working on our marriage. But the OW's BS deserves to know, period. Sorry you are going through this nightmare. Best wishes.

Learningtofly

Many of us have heard the story of abusive spouse...no different here. There is where part of the inappropriate relationship began and continued. When I told OW's spouse, I thought long and hard wheither her spouse would kill my WS or his....everyone is still living. My WS nows understands that was part of the seduction....and the 5 year EA to be there for her, listen, support and on and on. He doubts all of it now...

Abuse happens, but it is used to gets one's attention, male or female. Don't feel responsible for the OW or your WS. My WS understand my anger, hurt feelings, betrayal was caused by his actions/or lack of...only because of my love for him. He is trying to make up for what he did or did not do for 5 years of our marriage.

One smart person on this website told me earlier on that I needed to decide if my spouse was a "good" person, who I wanted to be with....then to decide about our marriage. I would not have stayed (and continue to stay) if it was not a marriage worth saving. I am a person (64 years old) who believes every day is precious...I would not waste my time, my love, my being on a man that did not want to be in a marriage for us. I have to live with myself first....respect myself before I can expect others too.

I grew up in a family that there was no love, I wanted better for myself, children and spouse. Our children are grown but they know of the affair....and it has been hard on them. I wish I could have spared them the hurt....that is on their father and he is working on repairs there too.

I feel for you... you have so much to deal with. Are the kids in counseling?

Please take care of yourself!!

I am trying to figure out if my husband is a good man. I have always believed that he was. He likes to make people happy, he really loves our kids, he works in a nurturing profession. But, how could he be so cold to me. Why wasn't he willing to learn to listen instead of complaining about the way I communicated. Why was he so dishonest? How could he sneak behind my back while I was fighting so hard to save our family?

I went out with a friend who has known us for a long time. She said we have both been unhappy for a long time. Before the kids went crazy, before the family members were killed, before our daughter was disabled. These things have lasted a long time and with the unhappiness before, he is tired. She said I just need to forgive him and move on from here. I want to but I don't think it will make a difference. I think he still wants to be with her.

Yeah what is it about waywards using the Abusive Spouse lie? I can't believe how many of them use that! I spoke to ow once, (on the phone), and I remember asking her, if she was Xwbf loved her so much, why did he immediately throw her under the bus? She said He told her I was, "screaming and smashing things in the house, so he HAD to give me her name!

Ummm. No? In truth I just said you have about two seconds to live here, unless you tell me who it is. He gave me her name instantly.

They use that Abuse Excuse for everything apparently.

Learning2fly, If this out of character for your WH. But his core values are the same as yours, then maybe you could R. But your right, he would need to want that. I am sorry for the huge troubles your family has had to deal with. It does seem like there is a lot of love you two have shared. Certainly worth fighting for imo. If you feel he's someone you can respect and rebuild with.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 3:57 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

Your friend meant well,but clearly she has never dealt with this.

Infidelity..a betrayal of this magnitude, is not something you just get over and move on from.

My husband seems to think that I should be focusing on taking care of him because he is hurting too. He doesn't want to hear about my feelings because he feels like he doesn't have a voice.

Since my friend's husband is my husbands best friend, I am afraid that he will not be held accountable to think beyond himself and work to reassure me that he wants to work through this. I would imagine that her husband also thinks that I should just forgive and move on. I can forgive but I want change. I want my husband to value, respect, and care about me. He isn't going to do that without some accountability for how he has treated me.

When my fwh was pining about how much he was hurting, I blew up and told him it was all about my hurt...fuck him and his whore, they destroyed me and too bad he was hurting because he didn't matter.

Needless to say, he was gobsmacked and ever since then it has always been about me and never him.

Your husband did the deed and now he needs to man up. Start a hard 180 and get busy taking care of you. Good luck.

[This message edited by crazycatlady at 5:29 AM, April 29th (Monday)]