SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so sorry Miss M. I found out almost two weeks ago that my husband has been contacting people on CL for over a year and a half. I also had to get tested, which was humiliating. Hang in there...you're not alone.

Just got my test results and they are all negative. What a relief! I do have a bacterial infection, which is what my doctor saw. I've had a few cases of BV over the years, so while annoying, I'm so glad it isn't something else. WH gets tested today. He's still in selfish poor me mode. I haven't seen true repentance and remorse yet. Also, today is a hard day for me, as it is the sixth anniversary of the death of our first child.

[This message edited by MissMarple at 2:40 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

MM,

I'm happy to hear the results are negative. As a precaution, you both should be tested in 30 days and again in 6 month.

We had our 6 month test on my birthday. What a way to celebrate. Thankfully they were still negative. I always felt sorry for myself having to take a STD/HIV test on my BD because FWH f..ked a prostitute. But that doesn't even compare to the feeling of finding out news on a sad anniversary date. I am so sorry for your loss.

Your H is still in the "fog" and may be there awhile. Mine was in a fog for about 9 months. The first 3 months were pea soup fog and the next 6 months the fog was lifting, but not as quickly as I'd like it to. During that time, my FWH said he was sorry, but didn't act like he was. These were definitely waters I didn't know how to navigate. Thank goodness I had a lot of SIers in the crows nest looking out for me and helping me head in the right direction.

so sorry to hear you are going thru this :( I have been in a similair situation myself and its so daunting to always hear the WS says "i wasn't able to complete or it was only oral" I too got the same shit stories, after 1 yr still getting the same shit stories. 4000 in bank withdrawls for someone to talk to who would let him be drunk and not bitch at him? Pahleez, you can go to a bar and talk to the guy on the barstool next to you, you dont have to be naked with a girl your daughters age. He said he came one time with oral but does admit having sex all 6 times with her, but not "finishing"...i am not sure how that is supposed to make us feel better...

Just oral? ohhhh, well glad you didn't trip and land on your dick while her legs were spread...idiots!

Hugs

I don't know if I've gotten to the bottom of all the truth yet, but I am slowly getting more details. I kicked him out for a night and he remembered more things. Now the story is that he had oral sex three times with the same prostitute, and the prostitute that stole from him, he gave a lot more money too. There is another woman that he met at her house, just to talk with and watch movies. More disturbing are the inappropriate FB chats that I've discovered with three female friends. People that I know. In fact, one of them stayed at our house last week. I called her, and while she says they didn't have sex, I told her to get tested anyway. He has been sexting and talking very dirty with her for four years. Chatting while watching porn and masturbating. Asking her for naked pics. Discussing filming a porno together (serious plans, WH does brocasting/film work). Another friend that we both went to college with, and she's married. And a old childhood friend of his. Apparently, my WH problems have been throughout our 7 year marriage. I found out about his porn problem our first year, and we went to counseling. Apparently, he just got a lot better at covering his tracks.

MissMarple,

I SO feel your pain! Anybody out there got a magic wand to make this all go away???

(((MissMarple))) I'm so sorry you find yourself in need of this (great) source of support.

My husband, too, used the services of sex workers.

Please do follow up with repeat STD testing, at the intervals your doctor recommends (unless you are not 100 percent certain your husband has achieved and maintained monogamy, when testing every six months should be continued indefinitely, as should condom use).

Please keep in mind that BV is quite often sexually transmitted; I never had any bacterial or yeast infections until my husband was unfaithful; I can identify the periods of infidelity, in fact, based on when I had these seemingly innocuous infections. A woman's normal flora are pretty unique; even "healthy" bacteria can cause infection in another woman.

Gently, in other words: prepare to learn that the "few infections over the years" may have been associated with infidelities earlier than those you now know of.

(If your exam did not include Pap smear, it would be a good idea to ask your doctor to test for trichomoniasis, as it is often overlooked.)

I agree: an IC with a great track record with trauma is a godsend. If you can find one, do. You won't need to go forever, but even short-term therapy with a terrific therapist can make a world of difference.

Millions of hugs to you. We're here for you.

(((Miss Marple)))

My heart breaks for you. I know what you are going through.

Here's the thing. You are always going to find more. He's not being straight with you now. If you think you are going to find the bottom of this bucket, it could take years - trust me on this. At the end of the day, you are not going to find the last piece of evidence and know the whole story so you can finally know what to do. The question is, what are you going to do now? What do you need now, other than more evidence, to feel safe and move forward?

My advice? You've done the STD tests. Now see a lawyer. Find out all the options, including what happens if HE files first. And he just might, if for no other reason to avoid having to tell you the whole truth. In the L consult, many of the options presented (S, D, post-nup, etc.) you will be required to gather financial discovery, both on your own and probably some from him you can't access on your own. That is really the only further investigating you need to do right now. You need to know what your financial picture is now, because he has lied so much about everything else you don't know what the real financial picture is. And I promise you as you collect evidence for financial discovery you will find out more about his history (sexual and otherwise) as you do, and that's enough for now. You have to be able to protect yourself and your child financially, and the longer you wait to get that started, the more time he has to cover his tracks. As for any other kind of evidence, I would not make it a priority unless your L says it should be.

Absolutely IC. This is critical for you. And possibly follow up with your regular doc (if your IC is not a psychiatrist who can prescribe drugs) to discuss meds for you. A little anxiety and sleep meds can go a long way for your healing.

As you are collecting financial info, seeing your IC, eating/drinking/sleeping, figure out what you need if you were to consider staying in the marriage. What are your dealbreakers? What will you need to do to feel safe in the same house? What will you need to even consider R? You don't have to make any decisions today, but you need to start thinking about your needs - not the neverending trickle of evidence you think you need right now. I know it's hard not having all the pieces of the puzzle. But you have much higher priorities at stake at the moment. And by the time you address those...you may not need to have all the pieces any more. Or he may give them all to you willingly if he does the work to fix himself. But right now, your energy is better spent elsewhere.

Keep posting. You can do this. We will help.