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Good luck and strength to you blackkat. It's a big step on the way to being an honest and authentic person.

I was sick and literally shaking but my BH and I both lived through it and I feel like we are on the same team in getting through this mess now. He says he feels like that most days too.

I know I am in late on this topic, and only have one thing to add to all the good advise. As he has asked, give him EVERY detail. What I'm saying is, don't leave something out because you feel it was an unimportant piece of the whole story. Especially the details about the sex ( again: he has asked ). I can personally tell you that if you do leave something out, because you feel it doesn't add anything, or in your mind it is genuinely unimportant, and it comes out later..... you have just hit him in the chest with a sledgehammer again.Seriously. Give him everything.

Hi All - just wanted to thank everyone for their advice and encouragement.

I've wrote the timeline, sexual details and all - I felt sick writing it so god knows how BS is going to feel. I am now dreading sending it as we've had a really good couple of days together. BS asked for the details rather angrily a few days ago when we were not in a good place. I know its naive to think that sending it is going to 'set us back' cos we will go back and forwards, up and down regardless of this... it just feels even more tough after such a lovely couple of days...

Needing strength right now as I'm scared...

As you know- it won't disappear so just give all the details then work from there- as you hold it off it will just drag on another problem if you know what I mean.

I wanted all the details and they're horrible and it was awful hearing them BUT I know now so it gets dealt with. I personally self soothe sometimes thinking about how she's told me everything.

Stay strong and go for it- it'll be better in the long run.

Well, I've done - I had wrote down all the sorrid details as factually as possible; and sent to my BS. we are seperated at the minute so I know he is sitting in our house (I moved out) reading those awful details on his own and my heart is breaking for him. I also feel sick at his reaction to me. God please help us both tonight.

BS here, please answer the questions. Give details. If it helps to not have to be looking at him when you say it, then don't look at him. Turn out the lights if you have to. It's kind of like a splinter, I think. You can't heal and he can't heal until you get it out.

(((blackkat)))

This is one thing that I didn't think would help my husband at all. I didn't think that telling him details about my A would help him heal in any way.

One day though, I sat down with my husband and told him all the details of my A. And I mean all the details.

Everything from the text messages, to the conversations I had with him in person, to the actual sex acts and even the blowjob I gave my AP. I gave him all the details about it all.

Honestly, I didn't see how this was going to help my husband heal but after I was done telling him everything, he said Thank you and was relieved. Because now nothing was a secret and he knew everything little detail there was to know about the A. I know that it hurt him to know that I had taken part in 2 sexual acts that he wasn't part of but he was okay to know exactly what happened.

Even now, my husband still asks questions every now and again and I answer them. I know he is and always will be hurt with what I did, but knowing all the details has helped him and his mind movies. Mind you, he still has mind movies but they aren't as bad sometimes.

It was a relief to tell him everything about my A.

[This message edited by FR2012 at 8:45 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

How are you blackkat?

hi, I know I only found out the other day, but, I got answers today about the sex, every detail I could get, and it does feel better. the movies I was getting involved loads of things and were really hard to cope with, but now I know the truth the movies are easier if that makes sense!!

May I make a suggestion? Take an incremental approach. Write 2 detail reports.

The first one more basic: a list of positions, # of orgasms, etc.

The second one could be more explicit.

Your BH is looking for what was going on in your mind and heart. Make sure you annotate this description with what you were thinking THEN and what you think/know NOW. In fact, if you are doing this on the computer, use different font colors for "thoughts then" and "thoughts now" vs "storyline"

I discovered my WH's A by finding his skype chat window open and reading what they had been saying to each other. Basically I had to skim through MONTHS of sexting to find out who, where, when.

There are details I wish I didn't know that have affected my ability to R.

Tell your husband you have the 2 detail lists. Tell him you are giving him the more basic one first and that you have an even more explicit one available for him to read if he choses to do so after the more laundry list one.

He's free to PM me if he wants to talk about the problems associated with TMI.

Just like you can not undo the A, no matter how much you wish, he can not unknow details after he learns them.

Kudos to you for being willing to do this. Remember... honesty is the most important thing now.

Good luck.

BS- here, I am so proud of you for managing to muster the courage to put your BS needs in front of your own fears and needs on this. I desperately wish more than anything I could convince my WW to do this, it is constantly on my mind. I just want the whole truth every detail so that I can move past this mental block for me, right now I am stuck in a constant loop of making shit up in my mind, and then replaying it over and over looking for things that I have missed.

Please give us an update on how this is going for you.

Hi All - a few of you have very kindly asked for an update... so just wanted to check in.

I did as asked and wrote two documents - one with all the thoughts and feelings, why I felt the A had happened etc; the second one was a detailed timeline including when we met, where and sexual acts that took place. I can hand on heart say that writing and sending it was one of the hardest things I have ever done - I was absolutely heartbroken and hysterical. I'd love to put anyone considering / verge of having an A in that position - and they would run a mile!!! It was horrorific - all I could think of was... if this is what its like for me writing it - how the f@@@ is my BH going to feel reading it.

As I think I've said - we are seperated and so I spent a very long 15 mins in a seperate apartment waiting for him to read it - before he emailed back with more questions - which I answered immediately and then the said - OK - now I know the details ... we can focus on why it happened!

I couldn't believe it.... its like an element of peace was instantly restored. I felt so blessed in that moment - that he could read those things, take a deep breath and go OK ... so now what??!!

All, I can say is that the collective wisdom of SIers proved to be spot on and thank you so much for encouraging and supporting me to do it. Blessings to you all xx

((((BlackKat))))

I physically broke down and cried for a good 10 minutes after reading your update. I had to step outside and get some fresh air.

I am so happy that you found the wisdom and courage to do this, and that you realize the impact of your actions. I'm so very glad that your BH had the ability to ask the questions and to receive the answers he so desperately needed. I hope you don't mind if I say that you two will be in my prayers.

Please keep up the hard work, and continue to shine a light in those dark corners because evil thoughts and deeds cannot exist in the light.

I seriously cannot express to you how moved I was by this, and pray that one day soon my WW can manage the same courage.

Oh thank you Darkinious - I've had so much support on SI; and I wouldnt have done it without the guidance of SI members that it was the RIGHT thing to do.

Is your WW on here to get the same messages? I dont think I could have done it without SI - NO WAY!! But, more to the point - I wouldn't have realised that it is the RIGHT thing to do to move forward - its very counter-intuititive.

I hope you both get to where you need to be

Yes she is a regular on here, though I am not sure she receives the messages being delivered with as open of a mind. She is still very hung up on "protecting me" from the truth and doing things that she thinks are in my best interest, rather than listening to what I say my needs are. But we are slowly working on it.

Again I just want to say I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU!!

Edit: Spelling

[This message edited by Darkonius at 2:26 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

I would have been the same Darkinous in terms of 'protecting' my BS. But then, something that JustForgave posted gave me a good slap - in that "please do not make any more decisons for your spouse - you've already made decisions for you both by having the A" (or words to that affect). Hit me like a bolt from the blue - it wasn't my call to protect him - if I was serious about that I wouldn't have friggen done it in the first place!!!

And then it was a case of getting over my shame as I realised that by not doing it I was still making it ALL ABOUT ME!! I hope the penny drops soon...

Nicely done, blackkat.

blackkat,

I so wish my WW had had the strength to do for me what you did for your BH.

The last thing I want to do is interject negativity to your hard fought for outcome, but you need to be prepared for a swing of emotion when this information starts to sink in.

He's desided to work through this with you, but digesting it is going to cause an unpredicable amount of indigestion.

Hugs in advance and a big thumbs up.

If he asks, you give them. You owe it to him.

Having said that, I don't think it will help. I don't think anything will. This is why I'm, more times than not, against reconciling. Even if you don't give him details, he will make them up in his head. And whether he makes them up, or you give them to him, it will eat away at him. This is the kind of pain that infidelity causes, and in my opinion more so with physical affairs.

So the problem is, will it help, or will it hurt things? The answer is it really doesn't matter. You tell him what he wants to know and pray. You owe it to him, even if he doesn't know if its the best thing or not for him.