SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think a part of it is intense rage, and another aspect is a desire to let the WS understand the extent of the devastation they have wrought. Sadly, when that happens, appropriate words sometimes fail us and some pretty ugly French spills out.

Infidelity is an ugly thing that demeans all involved. The trick for the BS is not to be dragged deeper into the muck. Easier said than done.

This is an interesting one. I can't think of any specific names I called my WH after discovery. However, the "F-word" became a very common adjective and verb.

What I really, really have to watch out for is sarcasm. It is my defense mechanism and, trust me, I can make completely G rated sarcastic comments that can cut to the bone.

I am at least to the point where I recognize I'm leaning to the sarcasm and apologize because I know it doesn't help. Like Sal1995 said, easier said than done.

Ummmm, yeah. I had a pretty foul mouth. Not good or productive. But oh so hard to control.

What I really, really have to watch out for is sarcasm. It is my defense mechanism and, trust me, I can make completely G rated sarcastic comments that can cut to the bone.

This is 100% my issue as well. I can keep it completely kid-friendly, while taking aim at someone's self-esteem and hitting the rapid-fire button.

As far as avoiding name-calling, we've always managed to do that, more or less, but sometimes it's a real struggle to stay respectful after someone has shown a complete and utter lack of respect for you with their actions, you know? It only makes it harder when the person asking/telling you to be respectful is the one who did it to you.

One really weird thing that has worked for me? I call my cats the names that spring to my brain. I don't hit them or anything crazy, but if the cat's bugging me, or in the way...I'll be like "Move, whore." "Get out of here, slut." I have yet to decide whether this is healthy or not.

I'll be like "Move, whore." "Get out of here, slut." I have yet to decide whether this is healthy or not.

If it helps you and you're not abusing the poor animal, I tend to think that it's healthy. I had a cat once who was a bit of a slut, maybe you have one like her. Besides, cats don't care what you say anyway.

My husband has said some nasty things to me. He apologized but you cannot take them back once said. He said they were just words, but he has no idea how much they hurt.

If it helps you and you're not abusing the poor animal, I tend to think that it's healthy. I had a cat once who was a bit of a slut, maybe you have one like her.

Lol. Well, she DID just have kittens. But no, I'm not hitting or even yelling at the cat. Just calling it names.

Besides, cats don't care what you say anyway.

And also, if I ever die suddenly in the middle of my apartment, my cats will surely have no qualms about eating my face. None.

Yep did the name calling over here. My WH is a doozy. He was unremorseful until 5 months ago so I have said more colorful things to WH this past year than I have in my entire lifetime. I know he can't unhear them and I have to be honest I'm notsure I care given what he has put me through.

I don't name call anymore because I don't like how it makes me feel. I still call the MOW names when talking about her with WH.

My sarcasm is deadly though and it creates a lot of fights. I have been working on that part lately.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:12 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Crazyblindsided,

Thank you.

I'm a big name-caller definitely not proud of it.

Sometimes I surprise myself with the horrible sentences of rage I direct towards my wife. I'm working super hard to calm it down and bite my tongue.

I have had a few successes and I find it really helps getting over the particular argument- name calling seems to drag it out and take it deeper and deeper. I feel sad- she feels worse- no winner.

My WH calls himself names. The other day called himself the asshole, bastard for inflecting me so much pain. I've called him LIAR, con.

There is a difference between name calling and using descriptive nouns. It is not name calling if you use the word correctly. If the shoe fits...

Count me in too. I called my FWH all kinds of names after DD. I called him a coward, a liar, a cheater, an adulterer, a bastard, and some french words too. The f word became part of my vocabulary overnight. I could have made a sailor blush and it infuriated my FWH. I was never one to talk trash or cuss and suddenly he was being bombarded with nasty names and curse words during arguments about his A. He said I was acting beneath myself and I disgusted him when I used certain words. I told him that it was his fault for traumatizing me and that my hurt and anger were seeking an outlet. He said my behavior change was all on me and not him.

The MC explained to us about how chemicals were being released in my brain due to the trauma and overloading it and shutting down the rational side and the emotional side was in charge. I forget all the medical terms he used but bottom line is that it is involuntary. It took a while but I got control of myself and was able to change back to my normal self. Sometimes it still comes out but only when I post on SI. Things trigger me and I use bad words in my posts especially if I have had a glass of wine or two. That pretty much loosens my tongue. Not ladylike or becoming of me. I hope it all goes away completely one day. I no longer call my FWH names or curse when we have a spat now. We don't have those bad arguments anymore like we use to. I am sure moving helped as a lot of the triggers are gone.

I’m an introvert – shy at heart, quiet by nature – I often measure my words so I don’t hurt someone unintentionally – cursing just isn’t part of my everyday vocabulary. My H used to complain sometimes that I was *too* quiet. Well – after DDay – I’m sure he was wishing I’d be quiet again!

After DDay – I was angry, hurt, etc. But the epithets and vile words started after broken NCs – once I got started, I couldn’t seem to stop. Words and phrases came out of my mouth which would have made a sailor blush. Even *I* didn’t know where those words came from- I called him every low down word I could think of- used every disgusting word and phrase I could conjure up to describe his affair and the things he’d done with her. I wanted to use ugly words to describe the ugly things they did. In the moment - it felt WONDERFUL.

But of course, I’d feel bad afterwards – I never once apologized to him and I never will – but I found out what I didn’t like – and that was ME – I didn’t like who I was becoming – and I discovered that all the cursing and name-calling wasn’t getting us anywhere and really, it had become a habit with me – one I stopped. When I would feel that rage of name-calling and insulting coming on – internally I would tell myself – in a split second – no..no, don’t go there. And really, after a few times, it worked.

My H also was always so proud of his ethics and integrity. I think that’s what hit him the hardest – when I calmly told him he had no integrity and I’d lost all respect for him – and *he* changed how I would forever feel about him. Actually – I soon discovered that when I was raging and screaming, sure – he was upset and hurt – but he really *heard* me when I was clam and matter-of-fact.

Ooops sorry didn't realize I name called on the name calling thread

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:11 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

UGH! *SO* guilty of this. I have had some major sailor mouth years in my life and I had gotten so much since for years before Dday. Since, it appears all bets are off :-( I was just apologizing to WH today about this. RAGE is here like a mad disease and I WENT OFF on the way to IC via text with a new memory. Promptly swore like a sailor at IC. It sucks. I don't want to be like this.

Yes! I just blew up at my WH last night after a trigger hit me, I tried to explain my emotions and he just dismissed them and I lost it!

This is so out of character for me and I feel so ashamed after I call him names! I beat myself up for days after a blowup but I'm trying to work on my anger.

Sure, I have name called. The sad part is that just calling the behavior by the appropriate name makes my WH think that it is the same thing. I am not particularly shame driven and don't have guilt over the name calling. If I said these things to someone that didn't have disgusting behavior, sure I would feel guilt. Calling a spade a spade isn't abusive, in my book.

Wayward husband here. I've been called a lot of things, I've been told to look forward to explaining to my daughter why she should never be with someone like me, and that I will hopefully burn in hell, alone. I do my best to take it in stride, to recognize the anger as an expression of the hurt that I have caused. I know it's my fault, I know it's an outlet of emotion and not really what she believes, but it stings...and not in a way that affects the way I feel about her, it really is most difficult because of how it affects the way I feel about myself. I hate myself. Hate what I've done, hate how I've acted, hate that I deserve to hear all those things and worse. It's part of what makes it feel impossible that I will ever reach the point that I forgive myself (though my wife has said she has forgiven me). She often speaks of the importance of that...me forgiving myself...but I'm not sure she understands the obstacle presented by hearing those things.

I hope very much this doesn't come across as trying to sound worthy of pity, I promise it's not that, just trying to share my experience of being on the receiving end of the well deserved anger and the ways in which it has impacted me on this journey.

I was called a bitch, a whore, a slut. I was cursed and at one point his face was inches from mine while he was yelling. In return I've yelled and raged and I called him an asshole twice. I immediately apologized after doing so and told him I do not want to insult him. He never apologized and I never expected him to. I thought it was expected but those memories stand out for me and sear me when I think about them.