SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello. You are being extremely brave and doing the right thing. I was where you are, with a WH refusing to 'be dictated to about who he could and couldn't talk to', refusing to go NC because 'she's a human being'. It was all bull and a MASSIVE sign that his heart was totally with her. You have no chance at all of reconciling with someone whose heart is not 100% on board with you. So your best bet is what you're doing, to cut the pain off at source. What I really hate is that he's doing this storming off in a tantrum thing. Just ignore it. He can't have this both ways. And I know I'm from another country, but the gun thing really alarms and disturbs me in every way. Why has he got a gun?

he actually has multiple guns in the house. He has done this to me before were he takes one and goes and drives around but he always has come home. I don't know if he's just trying to scare me into staying and playing a mind game with me again or if he's serious because now he knows it's got to be this way and he's scared of everything he's going to lose. I just don't know what to do. Should I wait it out and hope that he comes home should I call the cops and have them looking for him? I did call my daughter and told her that if dad comes home that she needs to talk to him and explain why she was so upset and that she would never keep his granddaughter from him.I feel so lost and scared and alone and I don't know what to do. I just can't believe how much more pain this man thinks he can inflict on main. All I can do is cry and I'm tired of it. I'm just praying but he will come home anyone hurt himself. I don't need that guilt on my conscience.

A lot of WSs threaten suicide when feeling the pressure. Trying to get you to back off so he can rugsweep and not have consequences. He is trying to take over the VICTIM roll.......villain / victim transfer is the term. If you are concerned then call 911 and let them know he is threatening suicide and the go get a massage. If he is full of shit and being manipulative....... He won't be so anxious to pull this stunt again. And if he is serious (which I doubt) at least he will get the help he needs. Either way lets him have consequences for his actions and relieves you of the nursemaid job.

All the poor me "won't see my grandkids again" crap is well....crap! He knows he can change the outcome.... All he has to do is do the right things.....but that would mean he would need to be unselfish and remorseful...... Seems he can't do that. He may pull his head out of his ass but not looking very likely any time soon.

First off...I have no idea if he will hurt himself, or anyone else. But I can tell you he is mindf*cking you. He is a very sick person. He tells you..."IO will do what I want, when I want...makes shitty decisions, and then blames you???OMG...you are in the grips of a sick and demented person. You need to get a restaining order against this man, and inforn the police when he indicates any form of violence. My first wife threatened suicide multiple times when things weren't going her way, as a form of mental abuse, so I know how you are feeling, and the anxiety that goes with it. It is a bitter pill to be kisked to the curb like many od us BS have been, but to be mentally abused like you are is horrific. Please be safe. Make sound decisions for you and your daughter to protect yourselves. Please don't feel guilty for the poor decisions that your WH has made...he is leaving you NO CHOICE in leaving. You deserve happiness...and when you have this sick man in your rearview mirror...happiness WILL come.

(((stilltrying))) My D-Day was a couple days after yours so I know things are still raw for you. My WH filed for divorce and moved downstairs in the basement. Couldnt get him to move out! But, the 180 will work for you. It will make YOU feel better about yourself. I got sick of crying and hurting too. I did the 180 because I was sick of it. He went NC but still was in a fog and not sure he wanted to be married anymore. Everything was my fault. So, my advice is start getting back in touch with friends, family, church group, etc. now. Start going places and having fun. Find something in your community that you can volunteer for or take a class. Take daily walks so you can cry and think - so he wont see it. Put up a front of resolve and let him have his stinking OW. Move ahead with your plans for moving on and moving out. He'll either notice or he wont, doesn't matter. YOU will get to feeling better a little at a time. You are still young really and can do so much in life and make a good path for you. YOU can do this.

And, I can honestly say that if my kids were not still at home I would have packed my stuff the next day and moved out.

(((stilltrying2025))) My heart is breaking for you right now and I know, because I was in the same awful, desperate situation a few months ago. I posted here asking for help, and the wonderful member/administrator Metamorphisis posted the following for me:

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Hi

I'm sorry you're going through this.

The thing I see here, and it may sound insensitive, is that his instability has taken control of the situation. So he gets to act how he wants and if you dare to say that you won't take it then he threatens you with *his* life. You aren't responsible for his drinking, his whoring or his suicidal gestures. He's an unstable man.

So what becomes the answer? To put aside your chance of health and happiness and healing while he continues the downward spiral? Sounds like emotional blackmail to me. It abusive to put you in a position where you feel forced to live in hell so that he won't hurt himself. What about you? He's already hurting you.

It can't continue this way. If he threatens to kill himself then call the police. It's all you can do. But you can't continue to try to keep your head above water while a drowning man pulls you under.

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I know your pain. But meta was right, of course. I wish you strength as you get through this mess - and you WILL GET THROUGH IT! I'm confident your H is being an emotional bully right now - and he'll be fine, but post back and let us know how YOU are doing, OK?

Sending so many hugs...

[This message edited by noprincess at 8:32 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]

Even though your WH has pulled this *leave with a gun* stunt before and come home fine.....I also vote for calling the cops on him. He's either serious (which indicates that he needs help) OR he's a manipulative bully to the nth degree (which is horribly cruel behavior). Either way, WH having to deal with the cops about it will give you the best method of dealing with it. Whether you call the cops or not.....if/when your WH comes home--do NOT make one single mention of the fact that he left with a gun or that you were worried.

But what I really wanted to mention was this:

I did call my daughter and told her that if dad comes home that she needs to talk to him and explain why she was so upset and that she would never keep his granddaughter from him

Please tread lightly here. Perhaps your DD doesn't *want* her DD around your emotionally abusive WH. If you push too much for your DD to placate your WH and to *cater* to his messed-up emotional needs, you may end up estranged from her. Because that can come across as you putting your WH over and above the emotional well-being of your DD and your precious GD. Just be careful with this, k?

so proud of you for getting your ducks in a row

and glad to hear you have the support of friends/family

of course he suddenly felt like he wasn't in control anymore so what he's put your through this morning was him trying to take control again

*sigh*

i know -- i know -- this sucks so much

and sorry that u been through all those years of abuse -- i can relate although i had less than 3 years

I can't help but wonder and question, constantly, "Why is he picking OW over me?" I asked for no contact and he refuses to do that. So why her?

This is gonna hurt me forever...........

i know it feels that way now -- i feel like that too though i may seem all strong/tough... i find myself fighting back tears --- reading your thread this morning actually really really did a job on my emotions ((((still trying)))

worrying about you hon...

plz let us know ur okay when u can

[This message edited by haleyscomet at 12:15 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

So he's so distraught you're separating that he talks of ending it all, but won't go NC with OW? He's manipulating you. Call the police everytime he plays this card...but don't back down. You're doing the right thing and this is his tantrum to bring you back in line so he can continue to cake eat. Stay the course still trying...

Sorry I haven't been able to respond. i went to my father's house which is 2 hours away and sat with him and cried and talked and cried and talked. I'm also babysitting my precious granddaughter so it's hard to find time to pee much less post!

He did come home and we talked more. He blames me for everything. He says that because I've told a bunch of people about what he has done that I'm making him look like a "fucking asshole" (excuse the language). I told him that it's not my secret to keep and that there is an easy way to fix this......NO CONTACT! I know he's blaming me to take the guilt off of himself....I get it. I just don't understand why he can't just admit he's doing something wrong and be done with it. He is manipulating me and trying to get me to change my mind but I've got my mind set, I am leaving. There's nothing he can do to stop it other than give me what I want, NO CONTACT!

I honestly think that when I told him that I had found and apartment, that I was going to take it and that I would be out by the end of next week it made his whole world crash in front of him. I honestly don't think he expected me to go through with it. I'm giving him 3 months to figure his shit out. It's either me or her; not both.

We've made a few agreements like child support, visitation, what possessions I'm taking with me and certain boundaries. I told him I would not contact him unless it was regarding finances or our daughters. I did leave it open to him if he wants to contact me about other things that's fine, I won't not talk to him, but that I will not harass him at all.

He's going to slowly figure out just how much he's losing and then hopefully he will decide if he can deal with the loss or if he wants his "old" life back....but without her.

I also told him that I want to meet with her, him and myself at a neutral place and talk. I don't think I can get any closure until I talk to them both together. I want them to hear exactly how I feel, I want to put them both in my shoes and see what I'm seeing. It may not work to my advantage but at least I can say I tried and that's all I can do. I can't control what they do or think.

I'm really not doing okay emotionally or mentally, even physically, but I WILL be okay. I just have to get through this grieving process; the loss of my husband, the loss of my marriage and the loss of the life I had.

Thank you to everyone for their support!

(((stilltrying2025)))

You are being so strong! I'm glad you're Dad's there to support you...

BTW - he only looks like an asshole because he's acting like one. If you're ashamed of your behaviour then you shouldn't be engaging in it!

Whatever happens, you'll be strong enough to find happiness - but I suspect he'll come out of the fog when he's alone and this "friend" can't fulfill in him everything you do. If this happens, there's a lot of wonderful people here who can offer advice on how to proceed with R if you still want to!

You need to read the book "Not Just Friends" It tells you if they are hiding anything they are more than friends. Plus who can be "friends" with the OP. It doesn't even make sense do you want to have her over for lunch someday and everyone sit around and talk about the past. I think not! Anything that is hidden from the spouse is a way to further their relationship. How can he just meet her for a little chit chat. He should be as far away from her as he can. NC

Sorry to say it's time to put your foot down. Everyone here has been thru and experienced extreme pain and some of us are lucky we could pick ourselves back off the floor.

My WS said his co-worker was his "friend" and I shouldn't be mad at her. Well I was mad as hell when I read her love texts and saw pics of herself with see thru clothes on "FRIENDS"??!!

Read the book we all think we are the only ones till we see a lot of info and people on this site with exactly the same history.

Good Luck!

Stilltrying, Im sending you a pm.