SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Divorce is war brother. She is not and will not be your friend throughout this process. Afterwards, maybe, but during the process, absolutely not.

but my gut says it is bullshit

You see it on this site all the time. If you are ever in doubt, listen to your gut.

IMHO, she will do/say anything for an amicable divorce.

However, she knows that I could get her for adultery and alimony because I took time off work to remodel the home, to which she agreed. I also suspect that she has hidden money, somewhere

Do whatever it takes to get representation. Find out what your rights are before a move is made in any direction.

Brother, she's probably even going to tell you she's got a hot chick lined up for you when you move!

Stay strong!

I definitely don't trust her at all and plan to get a lawyer ASAP. I've asked her point blank if she wanted to go and be with the OM but as expected she denied it. At this point it's just a game and I intend to play along, being the poor sappy husband who only wants everything to go smoothly. That's what she expects so that's what she'll get. I am no fool and will take her for ll I can if she does what I think she will do.

On the other hand, if she is being honest, I will not make it messy. Either way, I absolutely will not grant her a divorce until I have concrete proof that she is not lying. At this point, I'm thinking a legal separation is my best move to stall for time, which is what I am doing... stalling for time. Playing the role she expects.

Oh, I so believe this is going to get messy, but I hope not. Time will tell.

Oh, and there is something else she and I discussed that just doesn't sound right to me. She said her and I could be friends with benefits. Come on, is she serious? Don't get me wrong, being a newly single male, I'd do it but again, I call bullshit. Would someone actually have sex with their ex or soon-to-be ex just to keep the illusion going? This is definitely not the woman I married.

Lol, lol lol

IMHO, she will do/say anything for an amicable divorce.

Brother, she's probably even going to tell you she's got a hot chick lined up for you when you move!

She said her and I could be friends with benefits.

Um

Come on, is she serious? Don't get me wrong, being a newly single male, I'd do it but again, I call bullshit. Would someone actually have sex with their ex or soon-to-be ex just to keep the illusion going?

Yep, they will!

ETA I just didn't think that she would offer herself as the hot chick. It's all rainbows and unicorns to her brother. Absolutely nothing wrong with her offer in her mind. Step back a second and imagine yourself listening to your best friend telling you that story. What would your reaction be?

[This message edited by 5454real at 3:01 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

To be perfectly honest, I mean brutally honest, I'd continue to have sex with her for no other reason than because I know how she is and because I'd be contributing to her cheating on him. I know, that kind of makes me the OM in this case but I don't care. The bastard is getting exactly what he deserves and I will relish every second that I'm putting it to her while he thinks she is loyal to him.

See, I know her, I know her well. Her loyalty changes constantly, and I know very well that she'll do it to him too. Often.

Am I one totally fucked up individual or what? Or maybe this is just the inevitable result of having endured this shit for so many years. I don't know, but will say this... from now on, my best interests will be my primary objective no matter what.

Welcome to the human condition.

Oh, and in the interest of full disclosure...

I was a bad husband for many years, so she is perfectly justified in wanting to leave me. That's right, I said I was a bad husband and I don't say that because of some crap she put in my head. However, I will not stand buy and let that OM prick fucking get away with this shit. I will fuck him sideways if I can.

Sorry, more senseless rambling from me. But...

I want to believe that her offer to work out the details of the divorce and move south together to reboot our lives is genuine, and I could totally accept it, I really could. Even the thought of her dating other men is ok with me because it would be AFTER our divorce and we would be living together as roommates.

But dammit, what if she is just playing me for a fool, or at least trying to? On the other hand, what if she is not?

Oh hell, this shit is a total mind fuck and I simply don't know what is real anymore. Two weeks ago I thought life was just peachy, and now I am facing the very real reality that everything I knew is bullshit. I will have to sell just about everything I own and have no idea where I'l end up.

Does anyone have any insight into this mess that is my life? Please?

Seriously, I'll just ask this point blank.

Is it even in the realm of possibility that she and I could go south and live as roommates? Maybe the OM is really just a friend? Oh hell, I dunno.

In some states, if you resume sexual relations after you find out about the adultery, you then cannot file for divorce listing adultery as the reason. It is presumed by the court that if you have sex after discovery you have forgiven the adultery.

Get the D. Find out where things stand afterwards. LAWYER!!! The like you said, FWB!

If she's so willing to be FWB with you, just think what she's willing to do with tons of other guys..

And honestly, if you guys divorce, I don't think you get any more say on who she dates. I get it, I would rather my STBX was with ANYONE but MOW, but it's just not my business anymore.. And guess what? He's cheating on her with a 21-year-old twink.. And I have a feeling your wife will cheat on OM, if she isn't already, with you or anyone else.

I think your best move right now is to DETACH from this woman. It seems like she's playing you, dangling sex and promises so that you will give her what she wants. IMO, you should close the bakery, stop talking to her, and lawyer up.. Stop worrying about what she's thinking, what she's doing, what her plans are, etc., and just focus on what you want. And I wouldn't include her in any of your plans. She sounds very manipulating, and I would keep my distance if I were you..

Divorce is war brother.

Hell yeah it is..

Is it even in the realm of possibility that she and I could go south and live as roommates? Maybe the OM is really just a friend?

To answer your questions point blank, in my opinion, no.

If he's just a "friend," he is a friend *with benefits.*

I have little doubt that the OM is more than she is letting on. But, and that is a big but...

Part of me is starting to think all that has happened will ultimately be a good thing. Sure, the OM is a dirt bag worthy of being burned at the stake, but when I look at the totality of my marriage I must admit that it was a bad mix and neither of us is truly the marrying kind. She has a roving eye and while I have never cheated on her I must admit that I do as well.

If, and that is a HUGE if, she is sincere about divorcing and moving south together as roommates, I am beginning to find the prospect exciting. Life has been stagnant and boring for man years and the prospect of facing the unknown for the first time in 20 years is very appealing to me.

How sick is that?

First, see an atty, free consult.

In my state, A= 60/40 split on assets and they get 60% of the debt.

Nature girl is right about NOT having sex now, it will make it impossible for you to claim A perhaps.

Here's how it works in my state...I filed for divorce. The petition read homewrecked has been informed WH is in an affair and she believes this.

Then we had a primary hearing.

The judge granted "discovery". I was able to subpoena phone record and bank records. I prob could have sub more stuff, but 200 texts a day sent me into outpatient status at a "behavioral center",, where incidentally 5 other women were there for the same reason. well, one woman ran her husband over with her car first!!! LOl

Anyway, once I got those records, my atty called his atty,showed him what we had, and then my XWH settled with me and I got lots more than I thought I would bc of the texting records. I could have gotten a PI, but I had enough at this point.

So, moral of story, go to atty first. Please.

Stop talking to her. She is mentally ill.

I stayed in the shower LOTS at first to de-stress.

Please read the first 2 chapters of Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. RIght off the bat he talks about how to handle your spouse if you've given into 3somes with your spouse just to try to keep them or for any other reason. Agreeing to have sex with your w and letting her be free to be with him is same thing. But, it's what many people here thought might keep their spouse.

Even if you sucked at being a husband, she could have filed for D, then got a boyfriend, just like a NORMAL person would have done.

She has been sick a long time. There is a "root"in her that is diseased and the "bloom" you are seeing is the "bloom" of her sickness. She was like this before you and will be like this after you.

HELL-- the OW in my story-her first husband KILLED the OM and himself. It didn't stop her-- she's doing the same thing with her current H and my H. Of coarse it's the "just a friend thing".

Keep posting here,,,we all feel your pain.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:39 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

In my state, A= 60/40 split on assets and they get 60% of the debt.

As I do the math, I'm beginning to see that financially it might be in my best interest not to fight her in the divorce. She is allowing me to keep a number of marital assets that are valued at around 30k and the most I'd stand to gain financially from fighting her is 10-15k plus the added cost of having to pay an attorney.

Granted, I do suspect that she has money stashed in a secret bank account but I'm relatively certain it's in her mothers name and I'd have a very hard time proving it was in fact her's.

The there is the fact that taking the easy way out would be considerably faster and less painful. Sure, the discovery process would reveal proof of the affair such as phone records or FB messages, but do I really want to see that stuff? Ive seen enough already.

So..... Maybe I should just stick it to her (sexually) and be done with it. At least I get some sort of satisfaction out of it that way. Oh hell, I don't know what to do.

So..... Maybe I should just stick it to her (sexually) and be done with it. At least I get some sort of satisfaction out of it that way. Oh hell, I don't know what to do.

More likely you'll get a nasty STD out of it, rather than satisfaction.

More likely you'll get a nasty STD out of it, rather than satisfaction.

It would almost be worth it.... almost. Then I also have my self-respect to consider as well. It's a nice thought but I doubt that I'd actually do it for real. I have a friend who I've known and trusted for years that would be willing to help me in the sex department. She is single and quite picky about men, where I just happen to be one she has never got lucky with. :)

The thing that nags at me most about my wife, is that I'm dying to know if she is sincere about moving south and renting an apartment together, but I have no idea why I need to know this.

Frankly? You don't need to know if she's sincere about the move or not. You just simply do not need to know. What you do need to do is file for divorce.

Listen, you're allowing her to get into YOUR head and spin her lies. You are allowing her to de-rail your recovery. You are allowing her to get close to you again, and you know from your track record that the only reason she wants to get close to you, is to stick a knife in you. Hell, if you did actually have sex with her, it wouldn't surprise me if it was the loudest, kinkyest sex you ever had with her, and your found that she had a VAR under the bed and was now sobbing about her violation by you to the police.

5454real has it right. Divorce is war. She is not and will not be your friend through this process. You need to focus on winning the war scoring on skirmishes will get you no where. Victory conditions.