SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, he does have my pass words. I also bought a new lap top that he decided to set up for me . This was a surprise to come in from work and see Hun on computer. He said he was setting it up and asked me what my email addresses were and then set up the email on my lap top. He also set up a main sing in two actually on my lap top. So he has all my pass words. I will try to change them all. We do have a desk top Mac and he has a IPAD and IPHONE. Told me yesterday to go get one.

He may already know what you are up to with all this synced technology. Here is my advice. Go buy a $199 chrome book. Open a Gmail account which is what you need to log onto the chrome book. He will be unable to see anything you are doing. Anything you're doing here on surviving infidelity and any communications concerning your situation, whether it be talking to family about the situation, your emailing about the situation, or anything should be done on the chrome book. I say a chrome book because keyloggers and spyware cannot be installed on them. It's not possible. You do not have to worry about him spying on you at all with a chrome book. In the meantime you need to find a very Apple literate person to sit down with you and your devices and change your Apple ID to a new one and a new iCloud account and a different email account and totally separate your devices from his. There are quite a few things you can miss in this process and you need someone who really knows what they are doing.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can feel your heartbreak over the miles. I wish you peace.

He's been cheating on you for 20 years (almost your entire marriage) and has barely lived with you for the past 15. He will not magically change and be a loving husband rather than a lying one? I don't think so.

When has he ever been there for YOU in sickness and while raising kids on your own and helping you, other than providing an income and wasting a whole heckuva lot of family money on his OW, and then makes you the stereotype wife who gets a new fur coat or ring whenever her husband cheats.

That's how I see it. I might be 100 percent wrong. But I think with him, you can't expect a happier life "one day" because his past behavior as indicator of future behavior is that he is who he is, and this is a good as it gets.

I am angry FOR you at him, when you don't seem angry at him at all, just fearful, and that kind of worries me, too, as why you would be so scared of losing him when you're 20 years in and would get some of his retirement so wouldn't be destitute, and since you're already alone nearly every day of the year, that wouldn't change if you or he walked out. You'd still be alone either way.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:19 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

Given what the others are saying I think it is safest to assume your communication through your computer has been compromised.

I like the idea of a chrome book (didn't know that) - but take in the computer you are using and have it checked for a keylogger, ask about the limits of syncing, and what can be seen through a router if you use wireless. It will be better to know than to wonder, and maybe there's nothing to be concerned about.

But I do think given what you have shared, and the fact that the request about an Ipad and Iphone happened "yesterday" - that you need to look into it.

((Penny)) Stay strong!

Well, today has been a hard day . I did speak to my husband by FaceTime 2-3 times. I did a ton of work and now I was feeling down and decided to check and see what the OW had wrote to him about. I turned computer on and it now says he changed his pass word yesterday. So maybe he does see what I write. He is pretending . He told me today he was calling someone in DC tomorrow and telling them he is done. He wants the job in Boston. Well the OW wrote that she needed him so badly and to come to her. Maybe she now knows I know what they have been up to. Either way, I can not see myself ever trusting him again. He has shattered my heart to many times for him to heal it or for me to ever trust him again.

Penny -- as you are beginning to understand, the man you THOUGHT you were married to, is not the same as the man you are now married to. Separations are difficult. Separations with situational stress are VERY difficult. Your husband appears to seek escape in others. From what you write, this is his default "make-me-feel-better" mechanism.

My prediction is he is splitting inside. There is his life gone, with OW and the promises he makes to them. And then there is his life with you, home. The two are separated in him while he is away. At home, especially now that you have found out, the separation is not possible.

As is often true in infidelity, the affair partner knows about the marriage and children. But only through a clouded lens as shown by our cheating mates. Affair partners seem to be able to rationalize their actions, no matter who they are, and what the reality of their professional life, or home life is. Take note of General David Petraus, and his affair partner Paula Broadwell.

If you make the decision to stay with your husband, I think you need to decide what YOUR conditions are. If you decide to divorce, be smart.

Either way, I encourage you to follow the good advice of those here who recommended you get a SECURE communication mode and change all your private passwords once you do this. Pay to have someone help you with this, as has been suggested here. It could be critical as you move forward.

My own experience with a cheating spouse who was ex-military, and then working in a career that had him away from home A LOT, was there will be lots of covering, lots of lying, lots and lots of things you never, EVER, imagined possible in your mate. Once they are exposed for the fragile, very imperfect humans they are ... things can get very dicey for you.

BE SMART now.

[This message edited by luv2swim at 6:27 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

Hi all..I wanted to let you all know that on Memorial Day I went to pay my respect to the soldiers who we have lost. I found myself feeling as if my husband has died In IRAQ TOO, or my marriage anyway. It was a sad day. I came home and was worried about what he was doing as far as spying software. I have changed passwords but so far can't figure how to change my apple Pw. So I have shut off GPS closed email on IPAD, I use my phone now. I changed all my other PW. My computer all of a sudden stopped letting me print from my lap top. This was strange because I had just printed off funeral flowers I just ordered. One of his good friends and former room mate was killed overseas. Then when I tried to print stuff I found about his affair it would not print. .... This made me really worry he has some spyware so I started taking photos of what I have . I emailed them to my other email account and by mistake I sent one to him!!!!! He saw it and never said a word on FTime when we talked. He changed his PW so I can't are anything. Then he sent me it back and just said Really u hacked my FB. ( which I did not) and then he says to me we did Facetime after and you never said a word. So he was trying to turn it around on me. I was bad for looking and not saying anything!!! Can you believe his BS. He never said he was sorry about cheating once again. As he has realize I have seen more and more he still has not said sorry about affair but just regrets I saw all I did on FB. He said he wanted to have this conversation in person like 2 adults. Its been a week and I asked him what his plans r and he said in all caps to ATOP I CANT DO THIS FROM HERE (IRAQ) THAT I HAVE INVADED HIS PRIVACY SO MANY TIMES OVER THE YEARS AND HE WAS DONE AND WOULD BE COMING BACK TO MA SOON. I was so pissed because this is what he has done all our life. When he gets caught its my fault for snooping! He has sent some letters telling me I is not me I did nothing wrong, its him he knows he is selfish but can't live the lie anymore. .....

I had my computer looked at and they said to do a complete recovery. Erase all that is in it n it will rest to factory default settings. We started this 7 hours ago and it is just now done. I was told it should not have taken so long and that it must have had something on it. .....Great this freaks me out that he is so sneaky.

I'm not putting anything past him. I'm a little afraid. He has in the past got very angry and scared and threatened me with different stuff when he gets backed into a corner. He has 3 guns and keeps them loaded. He said he was going to loose the boat when he gets home. I asked if he wanted me to put it out for sale and he said no he had a plan. When I asked what this plan was he never replied again. Oh and he said he was going to be coming back to this house and has no plans on being any place else. When I asked about His post about getting married to this OW he said OMG how much did you read? I told him enough to know they had sex 3 times and talked of being soul mates. He just said OMG OMG. Then he did not write for awhile. Next time he said he was going for a drink. He had many I guess. I don't write him now because when I wrote to him yesterday telling him I wish he would just talk to me be honest and tell me what he was going to do. He was so bitchy to me and complained about me invading his privacy. God that really pissed me off. I was having a hard morning and trying to hide it from our daughter and he is yelling at me to stop that I should have not looked at his account and he wanted to wait n tell me in person. I said you had two weeks still home you could have told me. Then I thanked him for being bitchy to me because it helped snap me out of the sorrow and now I am just really pissed but also afraid he may hurt me or try some shady stuff with boat when he gets back. I just don't know, one minute he is saying I'm a wonderful women and been a great wife and mother but he can't lie anymore and it has never been me. He said he would see a counselor and told me to be honest and tell mine everything. ( like I would lie) he is the one who has lied all our lives together. I'm done don't want to reconcile with him, just want to be done with him, but need to fight for alimony and child support and he has military pension. My children or 2 of them know about some issues, my family knows as well and are very supportive. They too think he will not go away calmly and fear a little for me. If I did not have this home business I would just leave. May have to keep him from staying here. If I resport him for any abuse or violence he would loose his job and this would hurt my daughter and myself as well. Trying to get my ducks in a row.