SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BTW...whenever you get pesky thoughts in your head like maybe if he just left his wife and got divorced.....just think of where you want to be in YOUR life down the line. If he could do this to the mother of his children...his wife of 11 years...what makes you think that you he won't do this to you? Let's be honest...he isn't going to leave her or his family or you would have been dating a divorced man. He isn't going to be your Knight in Shining Armor. If he wasn't cheating with you, he would be cheating with someone else. I say this to you with kindness.

I'm so sorry you were deceived. Please don't blame yourself - it was not your fault.

I agree with the advice to gather your proof, and tell her.

So sorry you find yourself here.

My FWH lied to all of the OW. They had NO idea. I felt bad for the ones I talked to. It wasn't their fault.

Yes, find a way to tell his wife. Or text her pictures of you two so she gets an idea of what the relationship was really like.

Wouldn't YOU want to know? I wish someone would have told me, I had to play detective because I was too busy having his babies, working full, commuting 3 hours a day to support us all, and breastfeeding to notice.

It's not your fault or anything you did. He took advantage of you just like my H did in the past.

So sorry you are here.

Good luck, sweetie!

I agree with giving his wife all the information you can. You may want to consider asking a 3rd party to do it for you, with the offer to talk to her if she wants to. It may be hard for her to believe you and/or trust your motivation at first. It is unusual for someone to show as much integrity as you have in this situation. As a BW, I think an apology, knowing that she will be hurt even if it's not your fault, along with the information that you never would have knowing gotten involved with a married man and that you have cut off all communication with him since finding out, would help her start processing things clearly. Please do let her know about this place. The secrecy around affairs is part of what makes people so vulnerable to them and the terrible damage they cause.

Please do not warn her husband you are going to tell her. He will make up lies about you. Those lies will hurt her further as she learns the truth over time. The sooner she knows the whole truth the better.

The integrity you have shown here bodes well for your future happiness in relationships and in general. You deserve better than what this man has put you through and by removing him from your life, you will be able to find it.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 9:47 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

As a BW, I like the idea of using a 3rd party or mail to tell his wife. I'm not sure about showing her pictures though. The mind movies that creates can be too much sometimes. I don't know what OW#1 and 3 look like. I know names, places, etc. But they are just abstract figures in my head. I do know OW#2 and 4 though - #2 was a friend. I see them with my husband in my head all the time. It's a total mind fuck for me.

In my opinion, a 3rd party talking to her with a timeline from you and your cell phone bills should be enough at first. If she wants more, she will ask or find a way to get it without you.

And I agree - you are probably not his first or his last. This is not your fault. I'm sure you are hurting over the loss of your boyfriend. I praise you for thinking about his wife right now, especially since he obviously doesn't.

I wish even one of my H's OWs had thought about me/kids before deciding to fuck my husband. All 4 knew about me - and just didn't care.

You're on the right track novahurts so keep the focus on exposing OM, telling his

BW. I would have preferred a certified letter addressed to me, yes, from the OW.

There's a huge difference in your case, you did not know the OM was married. I'd begin the letter with that fact along with a promise that you have established no contact with OM upon finding out that he is married. Tell her you will speak with her if she has any questions.

Enclose a timeline, she can choose to read it or not, with copies of correspondence, receipts, etc. to verify your account.

Are you worried about how the OM may react to you contacting his BS? Remember, your love life with him was a lie and he cannot be trusted. I would enlist a trusted friend, someone who is not emotionally wrapped up in this drama, to help and guide you through this situation.

I believe the sooner the better so those lingering "weak thoughts" don't creep in and change your mind. Never tell OM what you intend to do or threaten him in any way. Your mission is to eliminate this liar and con man from your life and to give the BW the truth about her cheating H.

Scary? Yes, it is the right path to take in order to regain your life and move forward. I appreciate your concern for his BW.

BS here - please tell the BS. She has the right to know. It will not be easy, but be honest and empathetic. As far as her husband goes, this is not a good guy to get involved with, even if he does become single. He will treat you the same way he treats his wife. There are better fish in the sea.

BS here...please tell. Please.

I received an emailed photo of a card my EX sent to his bf. It was the proof I needed to see...his handwriting.

I then responded to the email to get more information. I feel like that email saved my life. That man gave me everything I needed, FB chats, copies of emails, copies of plane tickets, everything.

BTW, my ex was telling guys (gay affairs) he was divorced. When one of the guys found out he was still married (by Googling me....), he immediately contacted me. He did it to hurt my ex, not because he cared about me and the kids, but the result is the same.

Find her, send her something that proves the affair. For me, it was simply confirming what I suspected.

BW here. I'm sorry you find yourself here, and sorry for the pain you're going through. I also commend you on your ethics for ending the relationship, and your bravery for posting here. In my opinion, you are more a betrayed girlfriend than an OW.

I think a lot of BW's could sympathize with you quite a bit, and I think the BW in this case might do so - provided she believes that you didn't know. And she will have every reason to believe you if you give her the truth, your assurance that you will never be in contact with her WH again, and the opportunity to follow up with questions later on.

I want to say that you hold the power to simplify things enormously for the BW. In my case, both OW knew my WH was married. My rage at them was indescribable and long lasting, but ultimately pointless. I think if I'd been able to hold the OW blameless, as I would in your case, the emotional picture would have been less complicated for me, and I believe my healing would have progressed more quickly. All my focus would have been on my WH and my marriage, which is right where it should have been all along.

So don't sell yourself short. You're not at fault, and you have the ability to help the BW quite a bit. Keep posting and reading here. I think you'll find it a valuable resource.

novahurts

You didn't know. He LIED to you. And when you found out, you did the right thing.

You did nothing wrong here. Be a different story if you continued on with him, but you didn't. You can hold your head up high.

novahurts, your post took me back 30 years. I was in the exact same position as you are right now. My first physical relationship was with a (unknown to me) married man. I was 18. Looking back, perhaps I should have known but I didn't. I'd been involved with this MM for a few months when a friend (who'd introduced us) told me she suspected he was married (she hadn't known either). His *very* pregnant wife confronted him in my apartment, in full view of their 2 year old son. Things got... intense. A few days later, she came to talk to me and told me that it hadn't been the first time she'd busted him. She was very understanding considering the situation. The MM in my sitch was able to play single with me because his W was not only out of town but out of the country, halfway around the world.

I have no advice on how to tell the BW in your case but I would suggest that you listen to the advice you've received so far. Unfortunately (or fortunately) the people here are in a position to know.

Please do not blame yourself for getting into this situation. He lied to you as much as he lied to his BW.

As for your "weak thoughts", a trick that has worked for a number of WSs here is make yourself too busy to think about him. If thoughts start to creep in, find something else that completely engages your attention, picture a flaming STOP sign or DANGER! sign. After a while those thoughts will stop coming.

Best of luck to you. You're doing the right thing, dropping this "man" like a bad habit.

You need to tell the BS, but prepare yourself. Some of them just are not able to process this well, especially in the moment they find out, and yes, they may "blame the messenger."

When I was 7 months pregnant with our 3rd child, I got a call from an OW who did not know he was married, but she started to get suspicious. I can't say she called to "inform" me; she called to find out for herself if he was married because apparently some things were not adding up.

When I told her that we were very married and I was 7 months pregnant, she got to hear me burst into tears, etc. She hung up on me, but called right back and said she was sorry and never would have gotten involved had she known.

I believed her. Unfortunately she still chose to cheat with him again after knowing all that. Don't be like her.

BS here...I would want to know. I would respect you for the having the courage and integrity to tell me too.

Have lots of evidence, give her a way to contact you later, and make sure it is her you contact. He will try to intercept or deflect. When you finally tell her, just give the basic facts and be prepared for her to be in shock...especially if this is her first time finding out. Chances are it's not, or at the very least she suspects something is 'off'. Then tell her you know this is hard and a lot to take in but when she's ready you'll answer any other questions and provide evidence if she wants it too.

Good luck. It's the right thing to do. And it's not your fault.

I'm a BS, and I found out from the OW through FB. I am furious at her. I hate her.

But here's the thing. She knew he was married. She knew about me and my daughter, although WH had told her we were "not getting along". Ahem. She told me in order to hurt him, and then acted all victimized to try to slink her way out of any culpability.

The very important difference here is that you had no idea about his family. From your post, I'm inferring that he would have not enjoyed a relationship with you at all had you known. That is key.

Go ahead and tell her - she needs to know. Tell her what you told us - you had no idea, you are shamed and shocked, and that you no longer will communicate with him. Don't compare your pain/betrayal to hers - please.

And forget about him. You are innocent thus far for the pain his family will feel - don't trade that for being a willing party in this mess. Your weak thoughts will fade.

BS here.

I found out that STBX of 20 years was cheating and it was OW who gleefully announced this to me, via texting and ruined my holidays and my life.

If there is any way on this green earth that he would tell his wife, FWIW, it is something that remains in my thoughts, all this time later.

One of the most difficult things for me to put to rest is the knowledge that almost everyone I know, knew about the A and about OW, but only two people had the guts to tell me-and it was not him.

One was a fellow BS and as I said, the other was OW.

FWIW, also, it makes my heart a little warmer to read your dismay, Nova. OW that Perv chose, as I said, is gleeful and stole my life and treats all of it as a contest.

I worked 20 years, my whole adulthood, to "earn" this place and she's known him brokenly for one year and is his "future".

I don't want to get long-winded or all about me, sorry, I wrote it so as not to generalize.

Then, I had a BF from teenage years contact me and give me the song and dance about "My awful wife", so I wrote him a tell-off letter. I notice that after he learned from a shared friend that I'm pregnant, I don't hear from him anymore. Phew.

You need to tell the BS, but prepare yourself. Some of them just are not able to process this well, especially in the moment they find out, and yes, they may "blame the messenger."

I agree, she may not receive it well if told.

But the BS should realize that she was an unknowing OW.

If a man came to me and told me he IS having sex with my wife, I'd want to punch his lights out.

If he came to me and said he didn't know she was married and ended it as soon as he found out, I would not be mad at him. Not his fault.

Hi Nova. As another BS I want to tell you that I think you have taken all the right steps. As soon as you found out you broke all communication with him. Keep it that way! Any reply, even to tell him to fuck off will be seen as encouragement. You deserve better than him and so does his wife.

I would recommend that you tell her also and like other people have already said, be prepared for her to lash out at you. This news is going to be extremely painful for her and you are the "safest" target for her. Try to not take what ever she says personally. Just remember that he lied to you too! Let her know that you have evidence if she needs it and that you are sorry that it happened. I think the sorry is really important even though it wasn't intentional. Because you really are sorry from what I gather from your posts. Assure her that you will not communicate with him ever again and be done with it. If she spews any venom at you, delete it. It isn't you really, it's the fact that she feels humiliated and stupid. It's mourning for the relationship and life she thought she had with him.

Hold your head up high and know that you didn't cause this. He did.

Peace

I'm a BW and effectively been on the other side of this. WH was in a LTA for almost our entire marriage with OW1 (altho there were many, many others along the way). She knew there was a GF (me) but did not know he was married or that we had children (born during their affair). One of our 3 yo twins found IMs from her on daddy's iPad, altho thankfully could not read them. After I confronted him, I had him give me his FB password and I changed his status to Married and added lots of wedding, baby, and happy family photos. She blew up and dropped him like a hot potato.

My advice to you is that when you are collecting the evidence for his BW, don't hold back anything that you think is going to hurt her. She needs the evidence to use against him. When I first confronted WH with the IMs, he denied anything physical happened--it was all fantasies. I demanded the pw to his "other" email, but there was nothing incriminating there. I was about to close the email account when I saw that he had emailed something to himself at yet another email. He still denied anything physical despite references to "seeing you again," "the last time we met," etc. It wasn't until I found photos in the 2d email account--including one with his face between yet another woman's legs--that he finally admitted to infidelity (ya think?). So altho you will be tempted to spare her feelings, she really does need all the "evidence" that you have.

my WH OW posted a picture on face book and told me about the affair

I appreciated it listened to her cried with her sent nice texts and emails to her and thanked her for being honest

then it turned out to be a game she played on me over and over!

you are innocent and a victim right now no one could think otherwise

you know better now do better and don't become the OW

good luck and so sorry this happened to you

A friend of mine was in a similar position. She is D, met a new guy, who traveled to her area on business and started dating him.

He told her he was D, with 2 kids. She usually met him out for their dates as she did not believe in having her kids exposed to someone unless it was a serious relationship.

The very day she decided she didn't have an interest in him and dumped him, she got a call from a friend of the wife letting her know the guy was married and had 5 kids.

My friend, who was unknowingly an OW, ended up speaking with the BW for hours. Gave her the entire timeline, etc.

The BW was quite grateful as she had suspected the WH was cheating. She found my friends phone number on the phone bill.

I think it is quite possible the BW in your circumstance could suspect something. It could also be he has been quite mean to her in order to justify in his mind the A.

I would tell her. You should have a brief timeline and "evidence" ready to email her should she ask for it.

Also, I do think there is a point where you have every right to say "I don't want to answer that question" or "I have answered all the questions I am going to answer. I wish you only the best in life. Good bye"

Think about what your boundaries are. You don't need to spill all your personal sex history.

But do tell her that the her husband is a cheat. YOU have not harmed her family. The WH has.