SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks wb! I was hoping to get a guy's perspective on this. I think you are dead on also....

You had been married 17 years... New guy's never been married... He's trying to figure out the how, what, where's and why's to a committed full time relationship... That's a big adjustment...

because that is basically what he has been saying. He actually said he is trying to figure out how to do this relationship and still retain some of his individuality and I can respect that....also, he told me he figures our first year will be the toughest for adjustment and working thru things....

You have a relationship narrative going on in your head and he has his relationship narrative going on in his head...

and this was dead on also. He said he was just worried about being able to make his own choices (he said he actually wanted to spend supper with me but he wanted it to be his choice) and I was worried about feeling 2nd best. We each have our own issues to deal with. But he said after he thought about it, he could understand how I felt about it and he apologized, and I apologized to him also, we couldn't stand being mad at each other and so we are moving forward.

Another funny thing, he talked this over with some friends and he said the friend whose opinion he listened to the most was the one who told him if this is just his pride messing things up, to swallow it. And I had Dr Phil in my head saying that you can either be right or you can be happy. So we both had already decided that it didn't matter who was right or who was wrong, we just want to be happy together.

Please read "Why Men Love Bitches". It will help you draw the lines, and keep you from becoming his "mother".

He had plans. You should have made other plans that went on longer than his, and were waaaaay more interesting.

STOP being so available!

He wanted to hang with his buddy? Fine and dandy. You needed to plan a wing-ding of a girls night out. Let him wonder what the hell you're up to. There is nothing less attractive to a man than a woman trying to mother - or smother - him. If he backs away...let him. But, be sure you're very damned busy with your own life while he's backing off.

If he's worth keeping, he'll be right back and wanting more of your company. If he's not worth keeping, at least you're having fun!

The moral of the story is.....never, ever make a man the center of your life. That's YOUR position!

NA... Glad I was able to shed some light on what might be going on in his head...

We menz are a different kinda beast...

Just last evening KD and I had plans to go to a live music thing outdoors near where we both live... About an hour before it was time to be there she let me know she was staying home...

In another time and place I might have been pissed or aggravated... Instead I called up some friends who go and I sat with them and enjoyed the evening...

If she thought I should follow her and go to her house to hang out and pick her up some dinner she was mistaken... I've got my own life outside of her or us...

I believe when we toss aside expectations of others and live the life we want we find who's on the same page and who's not... Doesn't mean someone needs to be on the same page all the time...

WB

t/j

Just last evening KD and I had plans to go to a live music thing outdoors near where we both live

You two are back together???

end t/j

(t/j... I was wondering the same thing, ajsmom. end t/j)

Answer to t/j

Oh yeah... Since that blow out things have been a lot better with her knowing where I stand on things...

I've been doing what I want to do and we make plans here and there...

She recognized the immaturity of what she did and sincerely apologized... I accepted and now texting a breakup is a running joke...

One of the things we've been able to do is communicate better since the butterfly/giddy early relationship feelings are past...

The most important lesson that was learned is that:

Hey we both have baggage but don't be slinging that shit around....

end t/j

WB

I dunno... To me, being backup means he's secure in your relationship and not in the initial courtship mode. To me, that's cool.

Once you get established as a couple, the default is to be together. So when something else happens (roommate returns, business dinner, equipment sale at Sear's), the relationship is by definition the "backup" and the other thing the "priority"... for that day, for that event.

t/j thanks for the t/j!! I was wondering the same thing. I even checked WB's previous recent posts to see if I missed something. I hope she's stopped talking about her XH and appreciates you as her SO.

end t/j

NA, I think if you 2 continue to keep your communication open you'll grow into a relationship together where you both can have your needs/wants met. It sounds like you're on the right path.

I think you're misinterpreting 'guy thoughts' (although not always guys; I think this way too.) His saying that he would come see you if his friend was busy was his way of being nice. He could have said, "No thanks, not tonight" knowing that he wanted to continue to visit with his friend if he could, but since he thought the friend might not be available, he was potentially making himself available to you.

Since this is unacceptable to you, you can disabuse him of this in the future, but by getting pissed off, you basically stole his chance to possibly make you happy (in his mind.)

Guy here -- I agree with this.

It sounds like something I might do, and never realize how shitty it comes across. Sometimes we are just baffoons, but there is no deeper meaning.

When I first read this, I thought - "damn, the guy was just being honest. Isn't it ironic that he would not be in a bind if he had said 'no thanks on tonight. I may go over to Buddy's."

And then I realize if a male friend had invited me to do something and I said, "maybe -- I want see if Bob is going to be home first" it would have been pretty crappy.

Allow for the possibility he was just not thinking and did not intend to disrepect you.

Two quick thoughts:

1.) If you are recently done with a "heavy" college course load/student activities schedule, don't expect him to jump in and fill the gap. Any summer free time doesn't mean he has to jump to fill your newly-freed time.

I was worried about feeling 2nd best.

2. I get this. I truly understand. But you have at least one child, (maybe??). There WILL come a time when something other than New Guy WILL come first in your life. Only a spoiled child would demand to "always" come first. Like others have said, look to see if his actions match his words.

You will occasionally come second. Pay attention to how he treats you when you are together.

So we both had already decided that it didn't matter who was right or who was wrong, we just want to be happy together.

Sounds like your first fight is over. Now smooooch and make up!

Have a good weekend.

exhausted lady, I have read that book and honestly, I'm pretty good at doing what I want and demanding respect. I don't play as far as allowing myself to be disrespected. I would STILL rather be alone!

Thing is, he didn't have plans. He wasn't sure what his plans were. So when he was wishy-washy about hanging with me for supper, I cut that option out for him (to make it easier for him to make up his mind.... )

He has apologized over and over for his behavior this past week

Sounds like your first fight is over. Now smooooch and make up!

Yeah.....we totally took care of that part.....

There is nothing less attractive to a man than a woman trying to mother - or smother - him.

I do understand this and I don't want to and won't raise another kid. One of the things he said he loves about me is when he has a problem I let him figure things out on his own. I don't tell him how to fix it (with the exception of his health because I don't play there either and if I feel he needs to go to the doctor I will push on that one....)

We menz are a different kinda beast...

Yeah but we luv ya guys anyway..... And I am also glad you two are doing well again!

Once you get established as a couple, the default is to be together.

Yeah, I do get this...I was married for 17 years to my 1st H and that is how it worked. We are only 5 months into the relationship though so there is still a bit too much newness for us to really start relaxing into it completely yet.

NA, I think if you 2 continue to keep your communication open you'll grow into a relationship together where you both can have your needs/wants met. It sounds like you're on the right path

Thanks little turtle! He is the best communicator I have ever dated .

Sometimes we are just baffoons, but there is no deeper meaning.

Yes, he does an awesome job communicating MOST of the time. The other times, he totally puts his foot in his mouth but he usually figures that out real quick (and when that happens I generally know what he is trying to say so I just give him a hard time about it to mess with him....I am so glad he has a good sense of humor.....)

Allow for the possibility he was just not thinking and did not intend to disrepect you.

Yeah, I do truly believe this.

There WILL come a time when something other than New Guy WILL come first in your life.

Yes, and this is true for both of us. I don't expect him to totally GIVE UP his life for me and I can't do that for him. We both have careers/friends/families also that are separate and need to be the priority from time to time.....

I think the most important thing is we are both committed to making this work and we do whatever it takes to keep moving forward. 5 months is way too early for any type of long-term prognosis but we both feel good about the long-term at this point.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:30 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]