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The file cabinet analogy is the total opposite of what I experienced with my spouse.

My fWH and I are both in IC and in MC. The therapist has encouraged us to look at the here and now. My H is remorseful and doing everything he can to R. But, I thought if I could understand the behavior, choices, mind-set, I could get past it.

Thanks for all the help!

I'm not so sure about the file cabinet analogy. I'm not denying that some people work that way, and perhaps most of the people for whom this is true are male, but I really question whether this is an issue re men vs women or healthy, integrated personalities and sicko compartmentalizers. The ability to believe A and B at the same time when they are mutually contradictory is a mental health issue, not a gender difference.

Put it this way: I've gotten very good at compartmentalizing my work. I want to be able to focus solely on work when I'm working. I have learned to shut off thoughts re family responsibilities, to the extent that sometimes I piss myself off because I forgot to mail that letter or make that phonecall. And I do -- I completely forget about it once I'm in the work environment. I've trained myself to do this and it's a good thing.

I've thought long and hard about my WH's compartmentalizing. I still do not get it, and I continue to ask him how he could have lied straight to my face about stuff without feeling guilty or thinking about the pain it would cause me. How could have have told me all about the great restaurant he went to with OP, and discussed the wine that her BSO recommended? The mind boggles. And all I get from him is a mumbled, "I don't understand it either." It is INFURIATING. Honestly, it makes me want to hit things! GRRRRRRRRR.

I fully agree with the file cabinet analogy. That is what exactly happened in our case. Just that my trust in her had blinded me and it took me some time to figure out the complete extent of the A.