SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Gawd, what DON'T I regret about D-Day, and so many months after that...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=472433

The shock was a huge factor for me, and for many others here. I still have nearly daily thoughts and flashbacks regarding that night... and they all devolve into a fantasy-land of what I would have liked to have done.

Totally, I would have told him I knew and cut off all conversation, immediate 180 and filed.

Instead, I tried to beg, plead and reason. What a waste of time and energy.

Yes! I was just barely pregnant with my daughter-middle daughter-it was in the middle of the night. I left, bought a pac of cigarettes ) drove to a church parking lot (was afraid I'd punch him in the face if I saw him-which wouldn't help).

And (the guilt from this weighs fifty pounds ) I sat there smoking 5-6 cigarettes and continued for the next few days. Smoking and pregnancy soooo bad. After the first five days or so-I stopped. OF course everytime she gets a cold --I relate it back to smoking.

You know-that was cathartic- that's always been little dirty little secret-I smoked a few smokes a day for a week. Yes, bad. But I'm human, and I nursed all three for a year (while working so pumping), and made them baby food from organic fresh food-I think all and all I did pretty good.

And I bet you guys did too.

Wish I'd kept his phone, wish I'd thrown his shit out the door, wish I'd called OW from his phone & told her to expect him, wished I'd have filed the next day.

Wished I hadn't wasted the last 3+ years expecting him to morph into the person he so clearly isn't.

On the plus side, should I ever find myself in this sitch again, I know how to handle it.

Long story, sorry.

I really do wish I had. Its supposedly an EA only not a PA.

I felt things were broken. I had asked him for some time to "talk about us". He put me off for weeks.

One day he was in the shower crying. He'd gotten fired from work because of "her" (not really but how he was handling his feelings for her). He was stuck. He could try and lie to me and give me some other reason he was fired but he was too distraught to do so. So I got to hear all about how in love with her he was and everything.

I told him "awww, I'm so sorry for you, that sucks" when I heard that she acted interested then wasn't because she was married.

I told him I understood how it would be tempting to fall for someone who made you feel special, who acted happy to see you and all that kind of stuff. I had nearly done so myself. But I said "no, I want these nice things from the person I took vows with". I explained this to him.

So then the next few months only became a bigger battle. He'd totally twisted things in his head that I was the enemy and all I did was try to forgive and show I could understand.

I should have thanked him for being honest and shut the hell up until I had time to go away and think and maybe get some IC.

Its been a year since that first confession but I'm still feeling like its all brand new because we've gone no where over the last year.

I've been busy because I decided I wasn't working myself into misery anymore taking care of all of us and went back to school while I work.

He doesn't care enough to make an effort. He thinks it should be "forgotten" and we should "move on".

I'm now trying to squeeze some IC in with summer school. I hope things get better from here and I can at least talk over what I'm thinking and working on decision wise before rushing ahead and being foolish more.

Yes! I wish I had taken the phone and read the content of the texts. Now I can never know the extent of his involvement with those skanks.

Oh, yes, I confronted within an hour. He was able to hide so much after he knew what I had found.

What I wish I had done...Kept my mouth shut and gathered the evidence I need to make my decision. Cleaned out more than half of the accts. (he spent $200K+ on affairs). Then got an attorney and filed for divorce. I knew on dday he would never fight for the marriage. Once he made up his mind to find a replacement, it was over for us.

Too bad my emotions and I still loved him got in my way.

Gma

The only, ONLY thing that I wish that I had done differently, was to have copied off everything, and I do mean everything, on his phone and computer. I took a representative sample (which still left me with loads) but now, I wish that I had gotten absolutely everything.

Other than that, no. My confrontation was strong, accomplished it's objectives, and frankly, kicked ass and took names.

Huge regret since I could have gotten arrested & thrown away a 27 year career.

I found out via her phone call. I then called him while i was at my DS's house 60 miles away. When he confirmed it I don't know why, people tried to stop me, I jumped in my car to get to him. Did I mention I picked up a bottle of vodka on the way there/

Yes I cracked when I was about a mile away OMG!! All I think is if I had cracked it earlier - well I don't want to think about it.

the only thing I regret is handling the 2nd DDay the way I did. I should have kicked him out, filed, worked on myself for 6 months and THEN think about possibly recovering with him....

Oh, heck yes! I immediately reacted to what I saw. I stomped out to his home office and confronted him. At that point, I feel as though I handed over some of the control of how things would go, and I wish that I hadn't. If I could do it all over again, I would have printed out everything that I had found after doing a thorough investigation and then gotten my ducks lined up (visit to L, money taken out, etc.) before I ambushed him with divorce papers. I suppose that would have been messier and harsher in ways, but I think that a little more shock and awe would have allowed me more power over the situation.

Much like everyone else - I would have demanded he log on to his email account and changed the password. I wouldn't have handed him his phone back after I confronted (I read almost a years worth of texts before I woke him up). I would have kicked his butt out right then and there. Had I done those things, I may not have been lied to for 6 months and maybe his fog would have lifted sooner.

Yes!!! I wish I hadn't been such a weakling. I read a post last week that described exactly what I wish I'd done. I should have been direct and unwavering and said he had 24 hrs to come clean with everything and then insisted he get into ic or mc and hand me that fn phone that I hate with mt entire being. I was so afraid he would choose her that I didn't want to push yo hard for fear f losing him. I wish I had found SI sooner. I handled it probably as wrong as possible. I panicked and thought foolishly that I could wish it away and things would go back to normal. How

naive is that?

T/j I notice a lot of us mention the cell phones. I have this fantasy in my head where I grab the phone, jump in my car, ans park in secluded area and spend hours going through it. It holds the answers to all of my questions

I wish I had bounced his shit into the yard Andries for D immediately. I wasted 2 years of my life waiting for him to nut up and be a man.

I would have gone to a lawyer FIRST; would have hired a PI to get unassailable evidence of both affairs (And whether there was any more).

I would have hit him HARD and FAST. And, then waited.

As it was, I did okay. He came home to all the kids gone to dinner with the sitter, me throwing his emails at him, and his suitcases packed on the bed.

I just wasn't ready for him to refuse to go.

Well given a do-over I would have dialed back the "bat shit crazy" and gone more with a "hurt but dignified" approach. But hey.. you work with what you've got.

I remember long before d-day my MIL saying to me that nobody should ever fight in front of their kids and if we were ever going to fight then to call her and she would come pick them up. I kind of just rolled my eyes inwardly.

But on D-day? Exactly 30 seconds after I got my confirmation I called and said "Remember when you said ... well come pick the kids up because we are going to fight and you'll be lucky if I don't kill your son."

So I at least had the presence of mind to have the children picked up. After that is a blur.

DDay 1 I should have investigated more, but DDay 2, I should have kicked him out and gotten a D immediately.

Here I am 4 years later, many DDays and TT and totally depressed and trying to get ME back.

We all have to heal whether we are R or not. But it takes longer to heal with an unremorseful WS.

I have so many regrets. I wish I had took the time to read the texts and send them to me. I wish I demanded passwords. I wish I kicked him out again when I discovered he was lying to me again. I think we all have regrets. Like anything if only we can go back and handle things differently.

Yes, I wish I had handled things differently, but I was in stunned shock and couldn't even speak for about 30 minutes. I just kept saying to myself "I knew it, I knew it..." I let a lot of opportunities to get more truth go by. But that'll never happen again, SI has taught me well...