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Also he hid this from me for almost 5years lying everytime

He believed it was wrong on some level or he would neither have hid it nor lied.

I'm not sure that I personally think it was cheating per se, but the lying CERTAINLY is a betrayal, manipulation and evidence of untrustworthyness.

[This message edited by JustWow at 7:33 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

In my opinion it is cheating but not for the reason you are asking. You were separated so I don't consider him having sex with someone else to be cheating. Now when you got back together and you asked him about it and he denied, that is where the cheating happened.

Unfortunately, I have gone through this exact situation.

2years after our daughter was born, I found out my H slept with another woman (this happened 13 years ago). I kicked him out and had NO intentions of remaining married to him, and I told him this. I allowed him to come see the children and I would leave and come back when he was finished seeing them.

Back then there was no SI, I had NO idea about all the horrible feelings and rollercoaster of emotions I was going through. I thought I was bi-polar and got meds for it! (come to find out..i was not bi-polar)

During the month WH was not living with me, I had a ONS (slept with a guy 3times). I was an emotional wreck due to his infedelity, finding out he tried to sleep w/my sis, his constant need for porn and strip clubs, I felt like a piece of discarded ugly trash...

All that being said, I did end up taking him back and we swept his infedelity under the rug. He asked me many times if I had "done" anything when I kicked him out. And here is where I really screwed up! I lied and told him there was no one else! So I became what devastated me, a effin "LIAR" and "CHEAT". He found out 7 years later and we never talked about it. Untill wh had an EA and blew our marriage wide open (5years later).

I regret the ONS, and I regret not confessing it when we got back together and he asked. He had a right to know, we were still married, regardless if I had no intentions of taking him back. As soon as I made the decision to take him back, he had EVERY right to know the truth.

Took SI, reading, and digging deep within myself to figure this out!

Silverhopes

Yes they had an EA for quite a while that I found out about, lots of fighting that led to a short separation because he didn't see the problem with it but had lied about even talking to her his best friend got close to me (my sister & I thought he was spying for WH because he wanted to go with us when we did stuff...weird right). WH & I got back together pretty quick but the agreement was neither of us talk to the EA person (I found out H didn't know his friend was hanging out so it really had become an EA though unintentionally). The OW then called our home phone (H swears he doesn't know how she got it) about a month after R Needing to talk to him because she might have cancer she didn't. He talked to her & wouldn't let me tell her not to call. I got mad & *wrongly* called his friend & bitched about it...his friend said some inappropriate things so I sent him an email telling him no more, I was back in my marriage & that was it. H found the sent email 5 months later flipped out & called OW. I tried to explain & apologize but he had me move to our spare room...I did, he was talking to OW while saying we'll see what happens. He then decided I needed to move out, I begged not to.

We kept talking he never commited to D or R. A month later he had a gf (OW's middle name) but pointed out I could check phone records he was no longer talking to OW. I found out two months later that OW was his "roommate" he needed the rent money she paid rent once in 8mo. He swore she was only roommate & said he and *middle name* did not have sex etc much less him & OW. We R'ed but OW did not move out for another 4mo (after he wouldn't make her leave I refused to go back, we moved from that house). Things never fit right but I wanted R...I love him.

Now 5yrs later when he gets caught sexting etc (swears he never met anyone just texted & emailed) I got him to admit the *middle name* never existed...he made her up so I wouldn't know it was OW & that she was living there and once I knew OW was there he just kept up the lie about gf They did have sex more than once in the house I was still helping pay for I feel like I paid her to screw my H

He (again) swear that after we R'ed but before he finally made her leave nothing happened but I struggle with that too

Idk I just feel sooo lost sick etc...I feel like I am dealing with two separate issues but at the same time one, I am having trouble separating what he was doing this time from that mostly because he lied to me so easily & I believed him because I wanted to think he wouldn't do either of the things he has done

It depends.

I'd consider it to be cheating if one partner considers it cheating.

But I've been separated for two years, and don't consider it cheating. I'm not dating (but am reaching the point where it's on my mind), but my husband is. And while I have utter disdain for his methods (he's still an Adult Friend Finders kind of guy), it doesn't feel at all like cheating to me.

Our marriage is irrevocably over. He can do what he wants. And I would not feel even the slightest twinge about dating at this point.

Other men, however, might view me as off-limits, and I respect that.

My personal opinion is to stop yielding the benefit of the doubt to morally bankrupt people... period.

It's this kind of crazy making that BS's fall prey to and it needs to stop when you put your foot down and decide to stop playing into the madness.

In a lying, cheat's mind, it's not cheating if you're separated. Or.. it's not cheating if you're in a different zipcode. Or.. it's not cheating if they did it drunk. Or.. etc. etc. etc. See the pattern?

You both have rings, you both still have 50/50 marital assets and accountability, you both are Mr. and Mrs. and nobody told the other they could go fucking someone else, or if there was any doubt in the matter, a simple phone call or email question could have sufficed.

In the end, it's just MORE wayward bullshit and we shouldn't even be asking such questions or getting into the CRAZY making cheaters try to spin on their betrayed mates.

#BOOM

#NufSaid

I guess it would be up to what the couple agrees to. When Mr Lucky and I separated we agreed "NO OW", or anyone else for that matter.

anv5, in your situation I would absolutely agree it's cheating.

Totally agree with MediumRare. 100%. And with solus - if you think it is cheating? It's cheating. And clearly, he set you up to make it "not cheating" but it is still cheating. And his defense of his actions show he is not at all remorseful. Be careful.

I've changed my mind with the more information you posted. It was cheating. He had a OW. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this at the same time!