SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

MJ, you're probably right.

pft - probably???? Deep down, you know what you need to do.

pft - probably????

The "probably" is deflective. I'm rebelling. Comes from a lifetime of automatically saying, "I'm wrong. You're right. Yes Siiiirrrrrr."

And to think. I have two children. Scares the heart and soul out of me that I'm creating FOO crap for their future.

I have two children

that right there is reason enough. You can do this. Believe in yourself. Well all do.

Aubrie:

I get your not wanting to deprive the pastor of his desire to clean. Furthermore, I get your desire to want to stand up to your parents.

Have you considered telling your pastor and his wife what your family is trying to do?

You know, it's not even about whether he cleans or not. It's how I was approached and automatically expected to jump at the chance. It's how I was fussed at when I said no. It's the fight around it. kwim?

And no, I'm not involving the pastor on this. What would I say? "Well, just thought I'd let you know Dad is trying to be a suck-up and enforce wife-daughter labor for a pat on the head from you."

I don't know what tomorrow brings. Mom called later today and chit-chatted like nothing went wrong.

Dad texted me for the first time in forever to see how it was going with the truck. I gave him very little. He didn't push but encouraged me not to settle and a couple tips to fight the insurance. Decent conversation for once.

It's those rare, good moments that totally throw me off.

Totally know what you mean. Girl, put on your boots and simply say "No Mom, I anm not going to do it" When she starts the guilt thing say "Gotta go". Its hard. My Mom guilted me so much that I went on a 2 week vacation 30 odd yrs ago and have never gone back except for weddings!

Aubrie, I just read through this entire thread, again, and a light bulb came on for me.

I see my fiance in exactly your situation with his family. He cannot say "no" to his parents, ever. If he does, he hears how he just "doesn't want to help out" and how "ungrateful" he is because his parents have "done everything" for him.

He was lucky to go college for free--his mother was a professor---but his father dictated what his major/career path would be. My F wanted to pursue meterology and psychology, but his father decided there were no career prospects there so he was to be a teacher and that was final.

So, he is a certified teacher who hates teaching.

We're planning to move to Florida in THREE months. He has not told his parents because he's afraid of how they will react.

He said there is a good chance they will "forbid" him to go. He's 34 yrs old. His parents can't forbid anything, but he lives in fear of earning their censure or disappointment.

I don't know how to help him. I think moving that far away is the way to help him.....but he is so afraid to rock the boat.

He's an only child...and he was a late in life baby.

So, I know that when he does tell his parents, I will be the bad guy for a while. It will be my fault. Because before he met me, he NEVER "defied" them. (they have actually used that word, like he's a child.)

Anyway...I'm sorry to T/j your thread...the light went on for me, and I'm just sad for him right now.

I'm so glad you've built those walls...and that you're not letting them get knocked down. It has to be so scary for you to enforce those boundaries.

I know the thought of saying "no" to my fiance is crippling.

I went on a 2 week vacation 30 odd yrs ago and have never gone back

Oh that cracked me up.

itainteasy, I'm sorry you guys are dealing with that. I'm sure it's incredibly frustrating for you. I see (now) what an annoyance it is for my husband and it makes me cringe. Making this transition to freedom is sooooo hard. I hope you and your fiancé can break free. The move may be just what the doctor ordered.

I got a text this morning asking if I would mind watch the baby. Wait...you're asking!? What a concept. Now apply that to every situation from now on m'k?

The time she wanted wouldn't work for me. No, make it 30 minutes later. I am taking the kids somewhere for a few minutes. We agreed.

I stated that I had an appointment at X time, I will be home at Y time, and QS will be home at Z time and we're leaving again for business.

Wouldn't ya know while I'm out, that at the time she wanted, she's texting, "Your sister is here and we're fixing to drop him off."

*Look at my watch, push down the panic, knowing I was crystal clear in my earlier arrangements, take a deep breath, and text back* "I'm not home yet so you'll be sitting there waiting."

Her - "Well then we'll be sitting. You're only giving us an hour and a half to get the job done."

(Oh, you mean the job that you didn't have to do in the first place? Sorry about your luck.)

I took my time. Gathered the kids, drove home semi-leisurely, pushing back fear. Stupid fear. Here you are again. But then...she knew going in. I wouldn't be home till Y time. She'll have to get over it.

It gets better. My sister comes over, completely normal, very friendly and chatty, drops off the kid. Fifteen minutes later, Mom texts. She got all the way to the church to realize, she forgot the key...

Am I completely evil for laughing hysterically? By the time she gets a key (which I'm totally not taking to her. I don't have the carseat) She's going to have even less time to get the cleaning done. I already know I'm going to hear it tomorrow. How sore she is because she ran around like a maniac to get the cleaning done. Should I say, "Hmmm, have you taken your Tylenol?" or "Can't handle the pain of intense cardio huh?"

I feel this sense of anger or rebellion. Ohhhh the dreaded rebellion. I got hellfire and damnation preached at me when I tried to rebel. It's not "rebellion" per say. It's teenagers and young adults flexing their muscles. They're realizing they are becoming adults and trying to make a way for themselves, out of their parents shadows. Why does that have to be a bad thing? Isn't *some* rebellion good? Why does it all have to be bad? Why is becoming an independent adult so "bad"?

I cannot wrap my mind around it.

ETA: After forgetting the key, finally getting one, they get in the church...and it's already been cleaned. Looks like someone won't be getting their ego kibbles. I'm sure he'll find another way.

All that drama, and it's already been done. But hey, all is not lost. I stood up for myself and she is starting to learn that she can't push me around anymore.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 12:53 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

After forgetting the key, finally getting one, they get in the church...and it's already been cleaned.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *thud* I laughed so hard I fell off my chair.

This couldn't be any funnier!

I don't think what you are doing is rebelling. I think that you are establishing and maintaining boundaries for a sane and orderly life for you and your family.

Manipulation is drama making. If you feel that tightening in the gut, etc. you know that is your sign you are being manipulated. Pay attention to that and learn to disengage at that point by saying, " . . . whatever works for you, I'll let you know if I change my mind. Gotta go."

Remember, all families have a rhythm and dance that they are used to performing. When you try to break out of that rhythm they will attempt to pull you back in. Don't worry, it is just part of the process. Continue to stall the manipulation and live your life authentically.

The more you let your parents continue to treat you as a child the longer this will go on. Only you have the power to change this because up until now you've given them permission to do so. They aren't going to suddenly change. They may never change.

You've written very logical things here, but at times it reads a little like you are a victim of your parents behavior. It's very easy to fall into that trap. You have to lose seeing yourself as that. It's the helpless child-role. Remember, you are allowing this to continue until you FIRMLY and REPEATEDLY say no.

I know you are afraid to say something to them or to disappoint them but every time you allow them to undermine you as an adult they are undermining your marriage. QS is in the middle. His hands are tied because they aren't his parents and they aren't talking to him, they are working you instead. He has to listen to you complain about them and get stressed etc. It puts stress on you, him and your marriage.

You know what a straight shooter you are telling WS that an AP is an enemy to their marriage? That the couple needs to be a team when under attack from a pushy, demanding AP? Well Aubrie, your parents are being pushy and demanding and entitled and trying to force their way into your marriage. It's up to you to recognize this threat when it happens and keep them out.

Start looking at this from how disrespectful it is to you, but equally to your husband and your marriage and I bet you will find the nerve to stand up to your parents more often.

Why is becoming an independent adult so "bad"?

It's not! It's only seen as a negative to parents who are too insecure to let their children grow up.

I stood up for myself and she is starting to learn that she can't push me around anymore.

KEEP IT UP!

Well done, Aubrie. You're absolutely right in that you shouldn't involve others in your personal drama, but from my point of view, the pastor was already involved - he just didn't know it yet.

Still, nice to see the resolution. I, too, am laughing at the outcome. No pats on the head for your family!