SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I made the mistake of confiding in a coworker soon after D-Day when my emotions were very raw. The only thing she said to me was, "You know, if you take him back no one will respect you." I had kicked him out on D-Day, and at that point had not even considered taking him back. A couple of months later she asked how I was doing and I told her it was really hard. She actually said, "Aren't you over it yet?" I've never said anything more about it to her.

No one will ever have a good response unless they have been there...

Amen!!!! That's so true! U get everything from awkward silence to complete moronic advice to feeling like ur the bad guy cause somehow its ur fault that ur spouse cheated!! I have two other buddies whose wife's cheated within the same year as mine (one even double dated her boyfriend with my wife and hers!!!!) and so I kinda had my own support group but none of us knew what the heck to do

It's very personal, it's sexual, and it's not funny. What are people supposed to say?

Of course it's not funny and I know it's personal - I give you an example - one of my coworkers confided in me that she had several miscarriages - not many people know about it - I don't have any experience with this topic but I can tell you what I did - I listened and let her talk - and I surely did not respond "that's life" or " aren't you over it yet?" or block her talking altogether only because it makes me uncomfortable. Nobody expects you to say anything, just the comments I do get sometimes just shake me to the core.

I know these 2 topics are not the same - it's just an example of an issue other people deal with and are deeply hurt by which I have no experience with but I can still show compassion

And I think that's what I experienced many many times - the lack of compassion which I find incredibly sad

[This message edited by bestrongforyou at 2:44 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

There may be several things going on here so I can't comment on every interaction. Some people don't want to get involved. Some people don't want to judge. Some people still buy that old line that there must have been something wrong with the marriage if he strayed.

But is it possible you really do talk about it more than is healthy? Believe me, I know this hurts and it hurts a lot, but I once knew a woman who just wouldn't stop complaining about her ex. You'd meet her and within a few minutes she'd be telling a perfect stranger what a jerk her ex-husband was. My mother-in-law complains about a woman at her retirement center who talks about her cheating ex during every conversation.

Do you have a few close friends you can lean on for emotional support? That's healthy. But I would suggest if your divorce comes up in casual conversation that you make a quick reference to the reasons why and then move the conversation to another subject. Why make people uncomfortable?

And if you really are limiting your complaining to good friends then ignore everything I just said.

I totally get what the OP is talking about.

I try desperately to be an isolationist but when the hurt is just too deep, it comes pouring out to anyone with a slightly sympathetic ear. Luckily, there aren't many people like that in my world as I haven't been completely unsuccessful with isolating myself but its almost always a mistake.

The last OW used my pain against me while pretending to be my friend. I've poured my heart out to complete strangers online just because they were willing to listen...typically men because it hooks their KISA instincts. I didn't realize what I was doing back then but it ht me one day so I quit doing it. The anonyminity was appealing to me because I can't trust the real people in my life. I've gotten far more care and understanding from faceless strangers than from any 'friend'.

And this has been true with my crappy marriage as well as two miscarriages, broken bones and physical illness. I've been made fun of for being sick, told I got pregnant and miscarried on purpose (for what possible reason, I can't imagine. Never mind that I was on Implanon at roughly 99% effective), told my well documented chronic illness was me faking it...actually, that little gem came from my exH's new wife to my kids...it gets hard to hold my head up.

People really can be that heartless.

But is it possible you really do talk about it more than is healthy? Believe me, I know this hurts and it hurts a lot, but I once knew a woman who just wouldn't stop complaining about her ex. You'd meet her and within a few minutes she'd be telling a perfect stranger what a jerk her ex-husband was. My mother-in-law complains about a woman at her retirement center who talks about her cheating ex during every conversation.

Do you have a few close friends you can lean on for emotional support? That's healthy. But I would suggest if your divorce comes up in casual conversation that you make a quick reference to the reasons why and then move the conversation to another subject. Why make people uncomfortable?

We are separated 4 years and the topic WH hardly comes up even in a conversation with close friends anymore - it has stopped hurting a long time ago.

But the 2 instances recently were previous close friends who were both at our wedding - I had lost contact to both of them over the years and met both separately by chance - and believe me I didn't even get the chance to get into any detail - I was shot down straight away by both of them. It wasn't even what both of them said - it was the look I got - not pity or anything - just complete and utter shallow disinterest.I don't really have a better word for it.

And that's the reason for this post as the last encounter was only a few days ago...

The frame of my life was bent, fractured by the sudden death of my husband of many years. With the discovery of his betrayal 8 months later my world was shattered. 10 weeks later I confronted his OW and learned that their EA had been going on since she had "left him" after 3 years. Then she told me that it "only" became PA 14 years before he died. I think my legs buckled and I came close to retching on her. The hard lump is still there.

Most of his oldest friends were reluctant to believe he could behave like this. Then there were those who thought I should make light of it, "it was just a fantasy he stayed with you", or else it was my own "flaws" which drove him to secret A (my sister and one of my dearest friends). My WH's oldest friend, who had introduced us, believed my instantly and even acknowledged WH's gratuitous cruelty. There have been plenty of platitudes

and urging to forgive for memory's sake. I am learning to make myself crystal clear, when it is important enough to a friendship I value, when people's responses are disrespectful. Everything is so so hard. Everyone respected and loved my WH so much there is in me an impulse to tell them how he was not that honorable man they thought. I mostly restrain it. I can not fathom a state worse than the hollowness of betrayal. My heart is with you, Thiscantbhapning and bestrongforyou.

I got reactions like I was over reacting..."oh you know Mr ostrich loves you, you guys have been together forever"

yep this...

also, "you know it wasn't a real affair because he didn't have sex."

For a time, the platitudes and generalities bothered me, too. I agree with the posts that tell us that it is hard for people, even those who have like experiences.

Maybe it's one of those things where so much is said about a subject that only a bit is remembered and repeated? Or a person finds a comfort zone within themselves and that's their standard issue reply.

FWIW to share, I have two relatives who actually say on my answering machine, "I hope you are off having a wonderful day!", or "I hope you had a good day". In my different states of mind, cheer and platitude are difficult to accept, and I understand your frustration.

P.S. Someone also said to me, "If it doesn't work out for Peckerwood/Perv and OW, he will self-destruct!"

What about Peckerwood/Perv and wife/family?

That's a horrible reaction from an old friend.

I would have to say that I have not yet experienced that.

I will say, however, that the friends I have were all completely shocked to hear my WS did this to me based on the way he always treated me and the way we were together around them.

I do want to say, however...that seeing a "happily" married couple go through these things can cause people who really aren't that happy to question their own marriages.

I had a friend in a "I settled" marriage tell me that she always looked up to my marriage and that if we couldn't make it, how could they?

People who are in happy marriages get even more terrified. They look at me, they look at themselves, they look at my WS and they look at theirs and say "Oh my God, if HE of all people could do that, then my husband could!" I think it's a huge eye opener for them. They begin to doubt the institute of MARRIAGE altogether.

We all know unhappy couples who end in divorce-that's bad enough...but to see couples who seem to have it all-love, romance, commitment, loyalty, affection, teamwork, communication...and they STILL cheat on their spouses- NO ONE wants to believe that this could be their life.

But it could.

I think that's why some people look disinterested-they are afraid to look into their own marriage and see that yes, it could truly happen to them as well.

I believe that's why divorce is contagious-people begin questioning the validity of their partnerships through the experiences of others. They gauge what one person will stand for against what they are settling for and vice versa. They realize when a friend divorces that their own marriage has many of the same issues or worse and so and so didn't put up with that...well then, why should anyone?

Either that, or they knew your marriage was doomed from the start and really don't care about the circumstances.

((hugs))

I think my favorite comment was a coworker who, when I broke down the morning after dday, looked me straight in the face, rolled her eyes, and said, "That's nothing - my husband left me just because he felt like it. At least yours had a good reason to leave." and then turned and walked away.

Bitch.

"If it doesn't work out for Peckerwood/Perv and OW, he will self-destruct!"

You already know what happened when it didn't workout with Peckerwood/Perv and wife/family.

He self destructed and ran off with OW.

Financial infidelity is pretty devastating on its own. Know a couple whose wife's spending cost them their house.

No other people involved but husband and kids were destroyed. Looked very much the same as couples where a third party was involved.

This is dead on. I've got a buddy who's going through this right now -- his wife didn't pay the mortgage for like two solid years without telling him. He found out 3 days before they were being evicted.

They're divorcing -- the lying and cover-ups were deal breakers for him -- and he's going through the same type of rollercoaster every infidelity-BS would recognize.

WAL, does your buddy live in S. Florida by any chance? I have an old friend going through the same thing. I thought that was a very rare, bizarre situation, but I guess it isn't so rare.

I see the connection to infidelity, though. I asked my wife several times about her affair and what happy ending did she foresee, especially considering that she never wanted to lose me.

I think I'd probably ask the same question if I found out that she had neglected mortgage payments for years - what exactly did you think the outcome would be?

I think both types of betrayals require a huge disconnect from reality. Sleeping with another man, not paying the mortgage...what could possibly go wrong?

If people ask why I'm D, I tell them "I didn't like his girlfriend." That's usually enough. I can't imagine even my closest friends quizzing me about the infidelity and me giving gorey details--that's why I'm on SI; that's why others go to therapists. (OK; it happened once IRL, but it was a taxi driver in Los Angeles; when am I ever going to see him again? )

I don't expect outsiders to listen to my story and therefore I don't judge them harshly.

Ever heard of Brene Brown. She does shame research. Her book "I thought it was just me (but it isn't) Explains how people can't/don't talk about things because the topic "hits too close to home" Not just in matters of infidelity but in general. It is a very interesting read (i'm in the middle of it now) Check it out. Also, look her up on TED.com under "talks". She has 2 talks there which I think are awesome.