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I don't understand how he can say this stuff about me behind my back. I could understand the bitterness if I was the one who cheated, but I didn't. Why does he hate me so much?

IMO he does this to justify his behavior. The is selfish behavior. Ask him why he doesn't value your contribution to maintaining an household.

"Every now and then he sends out little "feelers" to his friends. He'll drop a gripe about me, if they don't bite he drops it, if they do he now knows that he has someone he can bad mouth me to. He has said other things to this friend (who he sent the above message to) about me and they have a good laugh."

He does this because he is looking for support for how he as treated you. My WH also did this. His friend validated WH behavior and encouraged the A. The friend who validates WS is not a friend of your marriage. It is one thing to vent to a friend frustration about our spouse but it is another when friends validate cheating and join in bashing the BS. These are not friends of the marriage.

This behavior is hurtful and does not make you feel you are a true partner in your marriage.

This is no 2x4 to you - you need to take care of you and not let him get you down. You deserve so much better than what you are getting from him. I do know this is hard - I have been there.

[This message edited by Wonderingwhy11 at 9:19 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

I'd tell the Creep to just STFU!

Lie in bed...relax. You deserve it.

Sending you strength and huge hugs!

Hello Simply,

how are you doing today??

You know, your h hates himself, not you. you are who he takes it out on. More reason for you not to show your vulnerabilities, hard as i know that is to do. please dont let him belittle you and depress you.

I like running over the phone idea. My h has a fern he is particulary fond of (it used to be mine??) that i injected with ammonia. He is totally baffled as to why it is not doing so well lately

Only a suggestion, however, we do sometimes need to be able to smile to ourselves.

Hugs simply

he is trying to feel better by pointing out your faults. Even if he has to search high and low. In a twisted way, its a compliment thats all he can find. now lets point out his......

Thank you everyone for all of your posts. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this. Thank you for relating your own experiences with me.

I'm doing a little better today. It's hard to look at him and know what he's said about me.

dreamlife, I would love to say that to him. Believe me, I've said it in my head so many times

IMO he does this to justify his behavior. The is selfish behavior. Ask him why he doesn't value your contribution to maintaining an household.

I can't ask him anything relating to what I read because then he'll know I have access and he'll change his passwords.

Every now and then I get paranoid and worry that he knows I have access to a few of his accounts. But then something like makes me think he doesn't know because if he did I doubt he would say where I could see it. If that made any bit of sense.

he is trying to feel better by pointing out your faults. Even if he has to search high and low. In a twisted way, its a compliment thats all he can find.

Yes, my depression caused by him is all he can find. He did make some comments at a birthday party we attended recently, that was embarrassing enough.

I could run a laundry list of things about him, but I won't. Even though he treats me like this I'll still give him the respect of being my husband and keep his "quirks" private. One thing I will say, he's too damn lucky that I feel this way.

So when his friend doesn't jump to his texts - he gets offended and snarky...? Not a very good way to treat your friends... My guess is you aren't coming off as bad as you might think. His friend is likely thinking HE is one entitled jerk right about now, cause that's what I'd be thinking if I got that in a text.

Take2, his friend ended up responding and saying that he did respond to his message, but it wasn't were I could see it. I think they are texting/chatting through some other site that I don't have access to.

I could never win. He enjoys the *victim* role too much.

gonnabe, everything you said is so true. It's almost scary how much alike our husbands are. He does seem to enjoy being the victim. He's blamed all of us for ruining his Christmas.

allfalldown, enjoy your new hammock. Try not to smile too much

Thank all for continued support and hugs. I really need them right now.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 2:15 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

(((((Hugs)))))) I know how hard it is to look at WH' face every day, all day, especially knowing that he is badmouthing you behind your back...

I am thankful that my youngest son bought me a chase lounge with cushions to pay me off for a loan that I gave him last year..

When it isn't too hot out I escape the house, the doggies and I lounge in the back yard..Whenever I have to be in the same room as WH, I read or work on the computer..Doing both of these keeps me engrossed in something without having to look at or pay any attention to WH..Whenever I am energetic, I love to leave the house for the day :-)

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:22 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

It sounds like you have a nice little retreat for yourself. If I go on the computer or read that will just put me back in my bedroom.

Karma, most of the activities are scheduled through the library and the town pool has certain hours they are open. We're going to do a lot but it's during the day when he's working.

Another thing that's strange that I over looked before. The time of the message was at 6pm. He comes home a 5, so he sent that an hour later. WTH!

Plus, this morning I'm sitting on the sofa, minding my own business. He's getting ready for work and says "I'll be back later." He NEVER says anything to me. I'm not saying this is an improvement, it's just weird. The cat gets a proper goodbye in the morning instead of me.

When your confidence is at a ten, you might try playing some head-games with him.

You might say you were browsing through the library and saw this book that stated that there are no secrets. Especially between a husband and wife - there's an energy to thought (two books by Napoleon Hill talk about thought vibration, for example) and that you've been bombarded with thoughts of negativity lately - and since you don't think of him "that way" and casually drop a 3 word phrase he's used to describe you to his friends, you're wondering where it is coming from - if there's something to the book. Then shake your head and laugh and go do the dishes or something else.

Let him freak out for a change.

When your confidence is at a ten, you might try playing some head-games with him.

You might say you were browsing through the library and saw this book that stated that there are no secrets. Especially between a husband and wife - there's an energy to thought (two books by Napoleon Hill talk about thought vibration, for example) and that you've been bombarded with thoughts of negativity lately - and since you don't think of him "that way" and casually drop a 3 word phrase he's used to describe you to his friends, you're wondering where it is coming from - if there's something to the book. Then shake your head and laugh and go do the dishes or something else.

Let him freak out for a change.

^ This is priceless. I've done a few mindf*cks just for sh*ts and giggles.

(((simplydevastated))) I'm so sorry I know exactly how you are feeling. My WH is a typical martyr victim and embraces it like no other

It seems he has always talked about me behind my back, but since the A is when I came to this realization. I even caught him doing it just a month ago to a friend recorded on var and boy did he get an earful about it from me. It hurts a lot and we can only take so much until we completely shut them out.

I agree with the others start living for you. Get out and make some new friends or go out with current friends and just keep doing it. If it weren't for my friends post DDay I'm not sure where I would be. Same goes for SI, don't know where I would be without it.

Head up simplydevastated YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:24 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

He would never freak out about anything. He's void of emotions He didn't understand why I get upset things, big or little.

I would love to get out more but how can I when I can't trust that the kids will be ok? They fight too much. This past winter he pushed DS9 through the front door into the house then tried to convince DS9 that they were slipping on ice. Plus I only have one friend here and I only see her a few times a year.