So...update.
We mutually decided last week to D. After this he saw her twice (as I knew he would) and at first begged her back, then supposedly told her he needed space and couldn't jump through her hoops.
He then came back to me and said he'd been hit with a baseball bat during his conversations with her and realized what I was asking for was what he could give me.
He's been NC (as far as I know HAHA!) since last Friday. But she's been out of town. I have his cell code and put gps on his phone and some other things.
Today I realized that he'd deleted a few texts from their conversation from last Friday and I asked him about it.
He was defensive of course. Said they were short "idk" answers. Whatever.
He seems different now and more like himself. We've spent a lot of time together talking and he's shown true remorse.
Yet, he's also aware that there's no guarantee this can be fixed.
He says he thinks I am leaning toward D because he thinks that's the only way I will heal.
I see changes, but is it too little too late?
This back and forth is hard on our boys. They are teenagers and see us talking, me crying,him holding me...they know the basic situation that this is all his fault and he is the one who has hurt me.
This limbo is killing them.
My 11 yr old said "Either way, divorce or staying togethr...I'm over it!"
My 14 year old said "Anything is better than this limbo, just decide something!"
I have been living in my own apt since May, so trying to R at some point would mean moving back. I am not ready to do that.
It also means that the boys would have less of a transition to D than R since we've been sharing custody etc this whole time, even though we've spent time together as well.
I told WH yesterday that he's put me in an impossible situation of trying to decide.
On one hand I have divorce-holidays alone, single mother (he's an involved dad, but still!), worrying about the dating scene again etc.
On the other hand I have the impossible task of trying to R and the roller coaster that involves. As we can see from any R thread, it's hell in a handbasket.
I just want to be out of these circles of hell...but he put me here and even he can't pull me out.
He's very frustrated at this limbo, not having a direction.
WTF that's where I've been since April. How does it feel?
I am angry and hurt and disgusted that he's destroyed everything.
I ask myself if this is too little too late. I want him to comfort me (and he has) but how can I trust him with my soul when he's sliced it to pieces?
I can't.
