SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Gently, why are you protecting him at your expense?

FYI: If he's raping you, and you scream loud enough to wake family, the next course of action doesn't have to be police involvement.

If he's raping you, spray him in the eyes with pepper spray.

Protect yourself. Protect your child.

I never condone violence, having said that in your Wh's case I might consider it. You are being raped and he knows it. Rape is not about sex it's about power and he loves having that power. If he has "sexual tension" tough cookies. he has a right hand. tell him to go visit Mary Palm. Under no circumstances shuld he be touching you without your permission. Please get some help.

CL, I know everyone is being pretty blunt with you. Frankly, it's because this is a BIG BAD THING. After everything you've been through with the affair and freaking CPS being involved and giving you a fish eye, I know it seems like adding one more thing to the pile is just more than you can take.

Please know that people are worried for you. I know you don't want to do anything that might make things even harder.

So it may start to feel like it's easier to explain it away, to think, "But, guys/self, this isn't even the worst part of my day and you guys want me to throw everything I've worked for away for 'just' that?!"

I've been there. I totally understand feeling like one more thing is the thing that finally kills you dead.

CL, this isn't an embarrassing thing. This isn't something that makes you weak or that you're letting him do it by not screeching the house awake when he touches you.

You aren't making this happen. That it IS happening isn't a sign you're responsible EITHER.

I think you need to get to a place of calmness. Where the cacophony of trauma in your head can calm enough to think of this without connecting it to everything else.

Can you find that place? Can you take an hour and sit and think and breathe? It doesn't matter if you cry or not. There is no right or wrong response. Just find YOU for a second. FEEL YOU. See what makes you the most sad. See what you'd like to change about the situation, that's in your power.

Just pick one. Just start with one. Is that doable?

[This message edited by Reality at 3:36 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]

Thanks all.

Threnody He was out of town during the time period in which they think the baby was shaken

Hardtimesinlife fortunately the baby is doing well!

I have been in denial about this issue and I don't think as forceful as I should have been. I don't think he is taking me seriously that I don't want to fool around at all. It is true that in the past i've said no but not meant it and i'd like to think thats what is he is thinking not rape. I will lay out my boundaries clearly and sleep elsewhere

1faith thanks for your suggestion. I think I'm afraid to give a deadline because after he misses it there's no going back and our family is lost forever. I will consider that after our court date at the end of the month.

Butterfly girl you are right I haven't been taking the subject seriously enough.

Thanks Reality. I will think about this. It seems more doable to try and change one thing than to ponder my whole situation.

My mom is gone for a week so I'll sleep in her room until he goes out of town after we talk. It's only his family in the house right now, none of them would defend me anyway. I am better off putting my foot down and moving out of the bed. I thought about doing that last night but didn't because he had t touched me in a while but then it happened again last night (no sex but still!)

First of all, read some of the info here about the possible diagnosis of SBS:

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/02/28/more-doctors-questioning-shakenbaby-syndrome.aspx

There are other sources too. I did a search for "diseases that look like shaken baby syndrom" because I seem to remember hearing that there were other possible causes.

The other serious issue you need to deal with, and I understand that it feels secondary, is that this IS marital rape. Just the fact that you are not reacting more strongly to is does speak of grooming behavior you have likely been subjected to. Healthy people with healthy boundaries do not allow those boundaries to be crossed of make excuses for them.

I've experienced what you describe. It wounds you, even if it seems like it's not as harmful as other abusive behaviors. It is wrong. The fact that he's not respecting you about the STD testing OR about refraining from sex reveals his selfishness. He could easily get tested and have a wife willing to get tested. Instead, he does what he wants. There is no R with a man like this. Looking at your history, I wouldn't be shocked to learn that he has strayed in many ways that you haven't learned about.

Please don't allow him to continue to wound you.

Just wondering how you are doing careerlady?