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The mindfuck is astonishing.

Cut of his mindfuckery device NG. Cut it off with a rusty spoon.

Sit down somewhere quiet and cloak yourself in your self-love and in the love of your children. Visualise it as a force field around you. He cannot reach you there.

Do this as often as you need to until this feeling passes.

((NG)) Fuck I hope he gets hit by lightening.

Oh NG, I feel for you, been there not as bad as yours but some similarities,

Mine would ruin my clothes in the washer, think black top in bleach load, angora sweater put in dryer it became a sweater for my daughters dolls, leather coat that my dad had bought me, he got it wet then hid it in the trunk of his car, even my work uniforms, the company I worked for were going to start to charge me for my uniforms, cause every couple of months I needed to get them replaced, not because of size change

The nasty stuff, the worst I found in the garage was up in the attic, other then regular porn there was magazine's of barely legal girls, mine had a steamer trunk full, no pictures of him and others, which is too bad they would have made great target practice

About a year before I caught him cheating my mom had bought me a new stove as mine was very old, instead of securing it to the wheelie cart, he let it slip off going up the stairs and dinged up the side, all because he was spiteful

I have also thought that mine was grooming my preteen daughter, my kids are lucky they are old enough that they don't have to have any visitation with dumbass, infact they don't even speak to him, they ignore him

NG, sweetie, I went through something mildly similar involving the loss of a fish taken and probably flushed...the loss of a camera, etc. STBX had this crazy habit of just taking things straight out to the trash bin and it was just...Gone. But he also did this with his father's favorite pair of shoes, too, so let's just say Crazy IS Crazy.

I completely do understand your WTF feelings of shock, anger, grief and you cannot just not FEEL them and well...just carry on. This is real, it happened, and you are in the shock, processing, & anger stages, it seems.

Healing comes after. But you need to go through in order to come out (if this makes any sense). It will later.

I went through this with the man who killed my son as well.

There are 5 stages to experiencing grief and arriving at the final stage which is... acceptance.

You no longer reacted to the coke & blow job photos because you have processed it already.

Depending on what has happened and the magnitude of our personal loss(es), each must be dealt with.

Its okay to vent, scream, cry, break dishes...in fact, it is therapeutic.

Getting and staying *stuck* is not. Or just avoiding it and thinking you have indeed moved forward.

Its a journey and we all experience it albeit differently.

I still catch myself rife with the "why" questions and emotions also...but as the years go by, I think about it all, less and less.

However this processing takes TIME and I am glad you are in IC.

Sending you strength and huge warm hugs.

Naturegirl, I am so sorry he has done this to you. But I have to ask, if you knew he took your things to punish you, why did you never look in your garage or other places he could hid these things? Sounds like things just accumulated in garage and was never looked at or through. Not picking on you, but wondering where this disconnect came from?

We had things go missing too, assumed lost in storage stuff or trips or just thought they would turn up. You don't even think that the man you love would punish you by secretly ditching stuff, let alone screw some low life to Get you back for something you did or didn't do.

After I kicked STBX out of the house, it was all I could do to dash into the master bedroom and grab what I needed.

I don't regard this as a "disconnect". It was absolutely TOXIC to be in that particular bedroom and I would feel paralyzed...this "paralysis" lasted almost 2 years!

Then with the help of IC. I decided I needed to move to a brand new city over 300 miles away and set my sails, and focus, on this new course.

I needed TIME to process/recover...before I went into that bedroom where he mostly hung out anyway, and then when I felt strong enough, I put his clothes, stuff, into contractor bags where it was taken to the shed. Of course, while doing so, each new "find" would cause me to gasp because like NG, I had not seen his hidden ExLax pills before, or noticed he has placed MY photos UNDER his shoes. ah, yeh, the photos which he claimed to love and 'hold near and dear for forever'.

When they do spiteful and mean shit like this, it sends one reeling. I was like chopped liver. I felt practically crucified when he blindsided me and then wrote online about it.

To an article about why most D's are filed in February, the month of Love/St. Valentine's Day, he responded, "Because it stings more".

So I can well understand the "disconnect" (my version of it anyway) when dealing with such a sick POS.

I cannot imagine having to go through an entire house and having children with such a twisted bastard!

Re: Quilt.

If you can do a spot test: mix up warm water, Woolite, & white vinegar. Soak, gently rub. Plain white vinegar is good for removing mold/mildew from fabric.

If it's really heavy (over 40%), I'd suggest contacting your local museum. If they have a textile department, then they probably have a conservation dept.

Sorry, he sounds like a real fucking ass-goblin, doing that.

Do NOT box up any of his stuff neatly anymore. I'd throw it all randomly into garbage bags without any rhyme or reason. I'd make sure that I didn't tie the tops right away and that I left them in the yard so that they were exposed to the elements. Then, if he didn't bother to pick them up, I'd close the tops and haul them to the curb. He didn't have regard for your things, so you shouldn't have any regard for his. I don't think that you need to be the bigger person here-- this isn't the same thing as not badmouthing your ex to your kids. This is your private stuff vs. his private stuff. Give his stuff the same level of regard as he did yours.

But then, I'm vindictive like that...

I'm sorry about your things. I hope that you can get the quilt and pictures restored.

(((N_G)))

I'm so sorry you are faced with the aftermath of living with and loving a nutjob. The only good and wonderful thing about all of this is that you are rid of him.

My XH also used to throw out/destroy things I treasured and claim he had no knowledge of them.

Please don't sort and label and tidy his stuff. You are the "bigger person " just by not setting fire to it. Dump his stuff in trash bags, give him a deadline for pickup, and if he doesn't meet it, kick it to the curb. He's responsible for it.

[This message edited by trebleclef at 3:43 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Im sorry,NG.

Your ex scares me. He is absolutely insane. I worry about you and the kids.

(((((NG))))))

NG -

I'm going to echo what a couple of others have said: yes, go ahead and go through the stuff in the garage to find what is yours, at least, as long as you can handle doing so.

But do not, I repeat, DO NOT box up neatly and in an organized fashion his stuff to give to him. Either just throw it out, or, if that seems petty to you, then toss anything that is not yours or you are not keeping into garbage bags and let him sort it out.

Do not think of this as sinking to his level, because it is not. He is the one that created that mess. You may have to spend time going through it to get out your stuff. But any time/effort spent on taking care of his stuff is just more time/effort you are giving to him. And you do not owe him that.

Throwing all the stuff into trash bags is the same amount of effort as you would put out just going through the stuff to salvage what you want and then throwing out the rest. So that is what you should do.

What you do with the bags after you are done with that is up to you. Toss them out, let him have them - it doesn't matter. It is just trash from your perspective anyway.

Remember - you are done giving him ANY part of you. And that includes any effort it would take to preserve items that he may or may not want anyway. Don't do it. If he wants any of it, he should take the mess elsewhere, as is, and deal with it himself.

Also, as others have said, do look into getting help restoring the items that appear to be ruined. There are places that specialize in restoring things like that. I would not go to a company that does general work (tries to restore everything after a fire, flood, etc.) My DH had experience with those after a fire in his family's home when he was growing up. He said they completely ruined things like books, pictures, etc. Find a place that specializes in restoring photos and one that specializes in restoring cloth articles like the quilt. Others have given some pretty good ideas for places that might do that. For the photos, I would contact a local history museum that would have to deal with old photographs and such and see if they have any suggestions.

And... keep good track of everything you spend to do that. Include it in the marital settlement agreement. He ruined the stuff... at the very least, he should "pay" for at least half the restoration cost (by reducing what he gets in the settlement if necessary).

ETA: As I thought about it a little more, I think you should keep a detailed list of all the stuff that was ruined to the point of having to throw it out. I don't know if you could or not, but from my perspective, since he ruined it, that should also figure into what he gets in the settlement.

[This message edited by osxgirl at 3:54 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Geez, despite the twin like quality of our ex-Hs, I think yours wins hands down for sheer petulance. It sounds for all the world like a tantrum of seriously epic proportions.

I'm so sorry, NG. My worst find after kicking out my ex was the notebook full of "journal" entries he deliberately left for my oldest two daughters to find. It apparently was so evil and full of his perspective on me, life, me, sex, me, my cruelty at separating him from, er, me, that I only found out about it a year ago.

We have a few big stainless bowls that I make salads in. One of them was blackened, like a fire was in it and had been missing awhile, but had suddenly reappeared. I said, "Hey, the bowl! Anyone know what happened to the bowl?"

The girls glanced at each other then told me about the folder, a carefully edited idea of what was in it, and how they burned it so I wouldn't see how bad it was.

I'd seen others over the years, but apparently, this one was especially gross, with his fetishes, his fantasies of me, his raging diatribes of how he was restrained from me unjustly.

And he left it for young teens. With their school things in the trunk of our car.

It's times like this, hearing more of your STBXWH that I wish I knew mafia. Or ninjas. Or had a lab full of genome specific bio-toxins.

Throw his stuff in big plastic bags with red crayons and wet rags. Leave them in the sun. For a couple weeks.

Hugs. I'm so sorry about the quilt. I would contact restoration clubs, if possible, like everyone said.

I'm certain the quilt cannot be restored. It is so badly damaged that has turned to dust in some places. The threads have stuck together and cannot be teased apart. It's much lighter than it used to be because it has turned to dust and is just "gone". It's dissolved & decayed beyond hope. Even if it could be restored - which I'm certain it can't - I wouldn't have the money to pay for the massive undertaking. Probably was a hundred years old but had been kept in good condition all these years through loving but gentle use. I finally put it away about five years ago when we bought new quilts for the kids' beds.

ETA: It was one of those quilts that was made from scraps of clothing from babies & other memorable articles of family members through the years. By the time I got it the stories of the scraps were forgotten, but I was comforted by knowing the love that went into the quilt, both in the wearing of those clothes and the making of the quilt. Which, I suppose, makes it's destruction all the more painful because it was done by someone who does not feel genuine love and cannot understand what familial devotion is like.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 5:52 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

NG -

I know it isn't the same, but...

If the whole thing can't be restored, can you find a section of it that is either still ok or at least in good enough condition that it could be restored?

If so, I would (either myself or hire someone who knows how to do these things) see about restoring and preserving a small section of it. Perhaps frame it so you at least have it as keepsake, even if you don't have the whole quilt.

ETA: I just saw your addition about it being from scraps of clothing. I have one like that from my grandma (who passed away a couple of years ago). At least half the scraps were leftovers from clothing my mom had made me, so when I look at the quilt, I also remember long-gone clothes that my mom made me when I was a child! I completely understand the loss.

Given that it's from scraps, saving just a piece of it won't be nearly the same, but still.. I'd think if you can, it would be better than having nothing.

[This message edited by osxgirl at 5:59 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Oh, I'm so sorry. That does sound like it's mortally damaged. What a bastard!

Willing the divorce finalization to finish up for you. Then willing an asteroid to fall directly on him.

(((NG)))

Then willing an asteroid to fall directly on him

Not that I would seriously EVER wish harm on another human being, but if this happened BEFORE the divorce is final it would certainly make for an easier transition of assets to me & the kids.

An asteroid is totally impersonal and a sign from the universe that your extinction has been signed off on. So it's not like wishing ill will. (It's SCIENCE.)

For what it's worth, I still maintain the life insurance policy on my ex. The universe is wise.

Edit: I was mostly kidding about the mafia thing, too.

[This message edited by Reality at 6:12 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

If there is any part of it you can salvage, take it and add to it.

Make him reimburse you for all the items he damaged through the settlement agreement.

Just to give you an idea. When my grandmother died someone(to remain un-named) through out a lot of priceless heirlooms and photos. These things couldn't be replaced. This person lost $5,000 from the settlement for each item they destroyed.

Make sure you take pictures of anything he destroyed.

You need to be taking pictures of all this and documenting EVERYTHING.

This idiot is a sick bastard.

((((NG)))) I am so sorry. I fucking hate him for you. I have my great grandmother's quilt and it is very special to me.