SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

as far as ending the affair and repairing your relationship, both people (BS+WS) are either IN or OUT. If one even just has one foot out of the R box for awhile, it affects the process.

There is a book (a quick read) called "How to Help Your Partner Heal from your Affair" (Linda Macdonald). It talks about the importance of No Contact. My SAWH had an affair with someone he knew through work, with whom he had a weekly meeting and they went out afterwards. When the shit finally hit the fan, and he was still seeing her after I confronted him, he finally saw the light after reading the book. NC and adhering to it is truly the first step in showing the BS you regret your actions.

I think he's asking you these email questions because he is ashamed/feels guilty and at the same time, he is manipulating the situation. How is that fair to you?

Stand up for yourself. Put yourself as a priority. You will get through these difficult few months. Believe me...you will (I am 4 months out and feel SO much better now that the relationship is exposed and we are trying to work on things). I have a long road ahead but I feel I have a lot of control over my life...whereas 4-5 months ago, everything in it was spinning out of control.

Good luck. Hang in there.

An important distinction. Don't let a counselor try to tell you that secrecy is acceptable in a marriage.

Privacy, Secrecy, and Boundaries

There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is about making boundaries; secrecy creates barriers – and therefore reduces both intimacy and relating. Privacy is healthy. We all need it. There is a saying that we are only as sick as our secrets. Secrets are less likely to be healthy. They are also a burden to carry.

Privacy is about respecting our own and other people’s space; about not intruding or infringing boundaries.

Secrecy is a kind of withholding, a holding back, as opposed to sharing. It also implies guilt and shame. There is a qualitative difference between keeping something private and keeping it secret, especially if there is a withholding of information, because you need information in order to make decisions.

He countered that he felt like I was giving him an ultimatum

So what if you are? You can make any ultimatums you damn well please. It's YOUR life he destroyed, you have every right to demand whatever it is you need to heal.

It's not like you're asking him to do naked cartwheels on the front lawn as part of R. You're simply asking him to STOP talking to his affair partner - a request that is logical, respectable, and absolutely necessary for you guys to heal from this.

Stay strong, sister! You're doing great and we're all here behind you.