SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It kills me to think that there's no hope for him. My god, he's only 20 and has no future if that's the case. I feel like I've failed him and that hurts so horribly much. It makes me feel worthless and horrible. I know that's self-pity, but it's true. I really don't have any control over who I fall in love with. It just happens when it happens. And it happens rarely for me.

Despite him saying he was not gay, did you continue to let yourself get closer to him because you felt a friendship with him was better than nothing at all?

I thought he was just in denial for the longest time. Noone who ever looks at him assumes he's anything but gay, tbh. And we did things that aren't entirely heterosexual...so that sort of didn't help convince me he was telling the truth about his orientation either. He's also a massive liar, so who knows. He could be gay and just lying about it even. I never know the truth with him. This whole thing's just such a mess and I put so much of myself into it (I'm sure that's said a lot here). It just seems like such a horrid waste for it to amount to nothing like this.

It kills me to think that there's no hope for him.

There is always hope for everyone. Many people here have been at the deepest, darkest bottom of their lives and literally crawled back to life.

We are just saying "YOU" can't fix him and will go crazy trying. He has to do that on his own. From what you are describing, he is not at that point.

He may or may not be gay....but he needs to be true to himself first before he can be true to you or anyone else.

I don't want to have to wait the 5 years or however long it takes for him to straighten up to speak with him again. That's just too long. There's something terribly wrong with this universe. I'm reminded of that every single day. I thought I could at least help.

I really don't have any control over who I fall in love with.

You do, actually. Part of learning not to get into destructive situations is learning how to stand back from our feelings and not let them control us. This is what you were asking for, wasn’t it? A way to control the painful feelings? It can be learned, and you can also learn not to let yourself be fooled by the good, validating feelings that sometimes lead to falling for others’ manipulation/neediness. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) works on this a lot. There are a lot of good books out there, too. You might still have a feeling of attraction to someone, but you do have control over whether that attraction is worth following up on. Our biochemistry is powerful, but the mind is more powerful still.

It kills me to think that there's no hope for him.

There is definitely hope for him, but it is not hope that you can change him. You can only control yourself, though you might influence him by creating your own boundaries in reference to his behavior. When HE wants to change for himself, it will happen. I think you have it fixed in your mind that if you don’t save him, he won’t be able to save himself. The problem is that you could exert all of your effort to saving him, but if he isn’t also exerting himself, it will not have any effect. It just runs you down and makes you feel awful, with no real effect on him.

Hi,

I think down in the I can relate forum there is a thread for people of the same sex that could also help you.

I think you are feeling the grief of having to let go of someone you loved when you don't want to but have to. We all understand this pain.

You will get through it. I am sorry that you are hurting.

Many blessing to you..

OH AND NO DRUGS okay

I'm glad you have made an appointment with an IC. I think you very much need to work on your self-esteem, and perhaps some co-dependency. It sounds like you are depending on this guy to make your life happy, and that's not healthy at all..

On the drugs thing, please stay away from it. From what I've seen with a few of my friends, they use the drugs to escape the pain. Then they have the uphill battle of trying to quit the drugs. And then when they finally quit the drugs, they still have to deal with the pain that brought them to the drugs in the first place. It will only prolong your pain and make things more difficult for you..

I have a 40-year-old friend who has been drinking heavily since he was in his early 20s. He is now 137 days sober (yay!), but emotionally, I think he is still in his early 20s.. Drugs and alcohol stunt your emotional growth, so please, find healthy ways to work through this pain.. It gets better with time, but only if you are using that time wisely..

Lots of hugs to you..

The thing that hurts most is I'm sure he doesn't really care. He's getting all the attention he could possibly want now showing his dick off to everyone. The next step is for him to become a sex-addict - I'm absolutely sure of that. It's all just so repulsive. He's not the man I thought he was at all. I don't know how to deal with that.

If you were not in a relationship with him I don't see how he was technically cheating. You seem very judgemental over his actions and what he is doing online. I could understand if he had told you he was only with you etc but if he didn't I don't really see how it's your business to judge him.

1: That sort of behavior is repugnant filth to begin with. It converts living human beings into entertainment meat.

2: I never said he cheated on me, that's why I wasn't sure if I belonged here in the first place. This forum was recommended to me by someone on another site.

3: I'm in love with him, so watching him become more and more vulgar and degenerate for the time that I've known him hurts and worries me. And I doubt very much it's going to stop where it is.

And frankly, this "everything is permitted" "noone's aloud to judge" mentality that is common now is disgusting and fractures human society.

If you think so lowly of him why are you in love with him? And I'm not saying your not allowed to judge him but I don't see anything being gained by it.

I understand being hurt by his actions but you can't control him or "fix" him. I hope the counseling helps you.

He only started doing this after I met him. And I don't know, for some reason I just overlooked the other stuff because he obviously felt so bad about it - he always said he did it because he was insecure. But it's clear now that he was just seeking attention - good or bad. And he just keeps ramping it up. I honestly believe there's little he wouldn't do to get attention. And that really worries me. And I never thought he was this bad. That's something I only found out later as well, so I did actually think I could mend him. But he was much worse than I had ever anticipated. I honestly feel he really is hopeless a lot of the time. Other times I feel there may be hope for him. And I hope it does also.

Broken Stag,

How old are you?

30

You're 30 and he's 20? You're gay and he's not? You're not now and never were in a relationship with him, but are so madly in love with him after knowing him for just a few months that life is not worth living without him?

I suspect a troll here, folks.