SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Juanita,

Do not believe everything the OW says. In fact, assume it has all been embellished.

WH will say bizarre things like not wanting you for a companion, to justify their low behavior in their mind. An A destroys the BS, but it also destroys the WS's self image. The justification hamster in their brain has to run pretty hard and fast on its wheel to compensate.

I think your WH is not unlike a lot of people who go back to the person who once rejected them, not because they do not love their current spouse, but because they want to erase the previous rejection.

Once in the A, then they have to start justifying in order to preserve their self-image.

Your WH was infatuated with a fantasy because that JUSTIFIED the awful choices he made.

What your WH would say to you is part of this justification.

Yet he still never left you for this woman. She KNOWS she was not the love of his life. She KNOWS she was always just his dirty little secret. She KNOWS she could never get him to leave you.

I am so sorry Juanita that you have to heal alone and that you will not have your WH there to help.

But please listen to all that the SI people say. Once you read on here enough. You see that ALL affairs play out exactly the same way.

Josephine.

You give me another perspective. I have to contemplate it. I am grateful for it.

I just learned yesterday that the OW Mistress, who had told me in June that she had joined AA, had been on a bender last fall, after WH died. Drunk by 11 AM. Presumably in response to learning of my WH's death. I'm told that the early part of AA requires truthtelling above all. No more secrets!

Perhaps that would explain her "brutal honesty" with me? Or maybe she just wanted to be cruel.

So very hard to know when there is no one to corroborate or dispute what she says. Except maybe her children whom she informed of her assignations with my WH. Her daughter condemned. Her son was non committal. She told me this when we met. They are the same age as my children(40's) and the boys/men know eachother and like each other.

It is so so horrible. The hypocrisy. The deceit. My life being emptied of truth.I cannot shed this man. I really loved him so.Still do. " Once in the A, then they have to start justifying in order to preserve their self-image"

That statement from you is so important to me. My husband was under stress and clearly in conflict. He suffered terribly from hives,eczema. Was often physically incapacitated by this manifestation of emotional stress. Even to the point of being unable to use his hands even for driving;for writing; of getting blood poisoning. He did have his purgatory but he and his mistress have put me in my own special hell. I was/am of no consequence to them. They don't care what happens to me. Yes, you are so right. It destroys me. I have no desire for anything life seems to offer.

I have such an impulse to punish, to seek vengeance, retribution. Yet, when I put it together I feel as though to act on it diminishes the meaning and depth of my pain and suffering.

And your paragraph about his mistress/OW: she knows . . . .

August 1st is the anniversary of his death. We were home alone together. I saw him through his last moments and did not recognize the fatal heart attack until his death groan. No pain, only retching. I thought it was a case of food poisoning, so common when you risk the use leftover fish. Only then did I call 911. When he was dead. It took 35 minutes for the EMT to get here. That was my horror until I discovered his betrayal, 8 months later, and my life twisted away from me.That's when I learned I was robbed.

It takes a long time to process everything. I could not have made it thru without a very good counselor. Please do not be afraid to go to one. The next year is going to be many highs and lows as you come to terms with what happened.

I also would go NC (no contact) with the other woman for now. More contact=more hurts. No contact=no more hurts.

Please keep posting here because so many of us know your pain about the Affair even if we haven't had the double pain you have.

((((Juanita))))

(((((Juanita)))))

Juanita

While you are in immense pain right now, as an intelligent, caring, and beautiful woman - you will find solid ground again. Your own solid ground. And while it feels that way - you are not helpless, you have choices. To post here at SI. Perhaps counseling, perhaps anti - depressants, spending time with beloved grandkids? Spend lots of time outside, so so healing.

Give yourself the gift of time. Yes, you were robbed and you gave away under false pretense for a very long time. Your core self remains though, it is still there. No one can take that away.

Hugs from one old girl to another Juanita

BP

Dearest Juanita,

I'm very sorry, too.

Some things you've mentioned about the importance of OW to your husband ring in a similar tone to the situation I live in. I don't know if there is any comfort in knowing that there is common ground in being betrayed, but there often seems to be common threads or ground in each story and it's not to take away from your story, but an effort to show empathy.

I also have an in law who is a betrayed spouse and her husband died very young. He had a mistress for a very long time, too, and "knew" her when their children were really little. She would spend large amounts of money on divorce lawyers and have him served and they would get through the storm and he would be faithful for a time, but then she would have another discovery.

Over 50 years later she still wears her wedding ring and I have great confusion about her and her faithfulness, but I was faithful too and so were you (and others), so I guess I am trying to share that I don't know what makes it happen, even though I've heard all the theories.

I commend your actions and hope that they will bring any amount of closure to you, for maybe once some closure starts to come, sleep will, too? I haven't slept a full night in two years, if I sleep two hours in a row it's a feat.

Prayers to you in your search for closure and I hope that a light will soon shine on your world again.

No words of wisdom just ((hugs)).

Also, you have a beautiful way of writing, I know you probably don't care about that now, but I really admire it.

You will receive a lot of helpful support here, I sure did when I needed it,and I've always been thankful.

[This message edited by dead_inside at 2:58 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Juanita, my heart really goes out to you. You were robbed. I am so sorry for the betrayal you are enduring with no way to confront your husband.

Whoever the OW was, she lived as an OW. Not enough self-respect to make the changes to gain self-respect. For whatever reason, she was willing to accept the tid bits your husband threw at her.

Don't allow the shock of this redefine the word "mistress". The role of a mistress is one of lies, deceit, user & someone who does not deal in reality. They tell themselves it's ok. They have conversations with themselves justifying their position.

Can I just throw something at this? Not knowing all of the circumstances, what did your husband actually offer the OW? I get visuals of her waiting by the phone. Who helped her with her own children, like when they were sick? Maybe your husband drove by & threw some cough medicine their way. How could he do much more? He had a wife & children to get home to. What about when her kids WERE told. No wonder her daughter rejected this for her mother. Can you see her son? "Oh yeah, my mom's married boy friend, cool dude." Not. That is not the conversation this boy has. She is-did willing hurt her children no matter the age. This woman has bad, bad character. If your husband wanted this, he would have gone for it. I truly believe people do what they want. She sounds like a convenience of a "side piece" to your husband. Does that fit?

I would be willing to bet he was "righting" the original "wrong" of her rejection of him. But he

didn't want it so bad he inconvenienced himself too much. As far as duration, I would not take the word of this OW. She is a proven liar etc. She has bad character & not your best interest at heart. Hers. Just like she was selfish for the duration of the cheating.

He does not sound like he was a very nice person. Now you do understand better, why. He left you a lot to struggle with & forgive. I'm so very sorry. Please take care of yourself as best you can. Pamper yourself as much as you can stand & afford. You really, really need it. This is huge, like a train hit you. Take lots if care. Please, please, stay in touch. No pressure or guilt from any direction but we do care. Hugs to you Juanita.

Juanita,

Please be gentle with yourself. Do not romanticize their time together. It sounds like total b.s., he had a million reasons why he couldn't be with the love of his life? Really? See what I am saying? They sound like a couple of delicate geniuses, (sarcasm) or foolish children.

Tonight, in rereading all the responses to my story I am so moved by the cumulative wisdom carefully and lovingly offered. Knowing this wisdom has been tempered and strengthened by the fires of raking searing pain certainly equal to, if not greater, than my own, gives it a particular patina. I have found a great treasure here in S.I. I only wish I had found you all sooner, before I made threadbare so many friendships with my storming thrashing anguish and despair. Yet, on the other side of that thought,it is important to me that people, his friends, hear that the wonder man they all respected so was not so honorable as to merit the pedestal they made for him. Everyone thought they knew him so well. Ha!!! (myself included) It's nice, and so much easier to eulogize with praise. Leave out the seamier side of it.

I have a quote I want to add to my profile

"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort, you will not get either comfort or truth, only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with, and in the end, despair." C.S.Lewis

This really seems to me to underscore the understanding that in the end we're all on our own. Let's make the best of it, whatever "it" may be.

Juanita, this is a heartbreaking and cruel story and I'm so sorry, in your grief, that your cowardly deceased husband has put this burden on you. I am praying for you, that your spirit will experience deep, deep healing and peace.

You have done the right thing. You have followed your heart and followed your principles. Any person can cheat if they want. They are the weak link. You had the strength to go thru your marriage even during the hard times. Focus on yourself. You need the strength.

Juanita- I am so sorry for what you are going through.

This is so heartbreaking for you.

Are you seeing a IC (individual counselor)?

That was crucial for me.

I found a wonderful psychologist who helped me process all the pain etc.

I ended up seeing her for 4 yrs.It was a life saver for me.

Betrayal on this level is very traumatic.

A book that might be helpful for you is : Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder.

I also read another book: Perfection by Julie Metz.

I don't know if it's too early for you to read it.

But, it's a memoir written by a woman who finds out about her husband's infidelity after his death and how she processes this news and eventually comes to a point of acceptance.

Not sure if this is something that would want to read?

I tend to find solace in reading stories of survival of others in the same position as I am in.

Juanita, I echo what many of the others have said, you sound like a lovely person who writes very eloquently.

Please just know that what your husband did in no way devalues who you are. The life that you have lived still has the same value, all the good that you have poured into those years still exists... what he did is about him it in no way reflects on you or your worth. Please know that. You may not feel that way now, but in time you will see that it is true.

I am busy reading a wonderful book called "How can I forgive" by Janis Spring. I urge you to get a copy. It has a large section about Acceptance - how to make peace with an injustice when the person who committed that injustice is either not willing to ask for forgiveness or (as in your case) is not available to ask for forgiveness. It is SO powerful. She lays out in practical terms, step-by-step, how to achieve acceptance and move past the pain and anger. I am finding it immensely helpful.

Sending you {hugs}

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 10:17 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

(((Juanita)))

No further advice, just hugs. Take care of yourself. We're all here for you.

That statement from you is so important to me. My husband was under stress and clearly in conflict. He suffered terribly from hives,eczema. Was often physically incapacitated by this manifestation of emotional stress. Even to the point of being unable to use his hands even for driving;for writing; of getting blood poisoning. He did have his purgatory but he and his mistress have put me in my own special hell. I was/am of no consequence to them. They don't care what happens to me. Yes, you are so right. It destroys me. I have no desire for anything life seems to offer.

As Jos85 has stated I wouldn't place any value on a recovering alcoholic adulteress. It burned her panties to no end knowing that everyone was giving your props and praise as the dutiful wife while she didn't get a footnote as the side ho. Sure he held on to his little collection of memories...only to stroke his ego but it seems he was destined to keep her shady ass in the shadows under a pile of manure. Hives/stress your hubby was so conflicted about his side ho it made him miserable, his little hell on earth. Doesn't seem like other ho was worth the effort or time to wife.

I know it doesn't make it any better but with his health issues the sex with the ex ho wasn't all that either. Poor health, stress does an erection wonders so I'm sure she said all she could to stroke his ego.

Many years of cheating, and lying affected his ability to perform he blames you for his misery instead the stress of not living true.

I would be willing to bet she became a cruel harpie before it ended. Hold your head high and start to live again.

Sometimes men notice their waning sexual abilities and instead of aging gracefully he went outside the marriage. Take all the time you need to forgive him because you are still here!

[This message edited by ifinallyfoundme at 2:15 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

Hi Dear,

I am so sorry for what you had to go through. I believe what is most important here is that he chose to have a life with you not her. If he had really loved her, more than he loved you, he could have chosen to get a divorce and lived with her for the rest of his life.

You may find this wierd or too cruel but I sometimes wish that my husband had actually died instead of making me go through all this mess. He would at least save his dignity and I would moarn for him and tell my children what a great father they had.

(((Juanita)))

Your story is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for the multiple losses and the unanswerable betrayal.

I'm new to this site myself, and I don't have any good advice, but I had to let you know that your writing is beautiful - even within such a tragic story. May you be lifted up in comfort - and please, keep writing.

((((Juanita))))

Dealing with insomnia and thinking about you.

Your story is heartbreaking. Awful. However, I had a few thoughts.

One--you talk about wanting vengeance. Well, gently, your H died. I suspect his stress over his double life contributed. The OW is an alcoholic. She spent years in the shadows and ended up with nothing. She got to see you acknowledged as the widow, get the pension, house, condolences, etc. She got an addiction. You lived an authentic life, were a loving wife. You have your life ahead of you, to live however you choose with your head held high. I would say that you have your revenge.

Two-- the A ultimately did not make your H happy. True love inspires us to be our best. If they truly loved each other they would have been together honestly and in the open. The fact that he could not find the strength to do that tells me anyway that she just wasn't worth it. And since the A made him feel badly about himself he took it out on you, as weak people often do to those closest to them. Don't romanticize what they had. Ultimately it was cheap and destructive. Just look at what it did to them!

Finally, I suspect there was some pathology left over from their early breakup. He was young and clearly not well differentiated to be that devastated; that is sign of poor mental health, not true love. So I suspect he had lasting damage from that that he was attempting to deal with in an unhealthy way.

None of us can change the past. We can process iit to the best of our ability but then we need to move forward. Take comfort and pride in your own integrity and resolve to make the rest of your life authentic and as happy as possible.

My advice, anyway, in the middle of the night. I wish you the very best.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 1:35 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

Juanita,

I came on again tonight to check on you. Please eat and drink fluids, it is important because you can become dehydrated. What we share on this forum is empathy as most have been in same or close situations. That gives us a common basis to understand the pain.

Please share and vent we understand. Sometimes writing it out

Oddly makes it reality,

Hugs